Ditching The Fear Of Speaking to Someone You Like For The First Time

We are all nervous of speaking to strangers, especially those whom we might like or fancy. There is usually some apprehension of how the other person might react: whether they might be wondering about our real motives for contact; whether we are doing the right thing in seeking a friendship with that person and, deep down, a fear of being ignored or rejected by them.

Public holidays, like Christmas or Thanksgiving, can be the loneliest time of year for many people, because of its emphasis on the family, which does not take into account the people who are estranged from their families, who live alone (32% of the population in the UK), or who have few living relatives. It can be a very hard emotional time for them. However, if you are alone at any time, it also presents a golden opportunity to meet someone in a similar situation in your locality, at a pub, event or other venue, if you can pluck up the courage to do so without feeling too self-conscious. This scenario applies to a face-to-face meeting, perhaps at a venue or somewhere local. But if you see the person online, a zoom call can be suggested using the same steps to progress the introduction.

No one likes to expose her/himself to the embarrassment of not having a positive response to an approach, so many people focus on the bad things that might happen, instead of just going for it and hoping for the best. Another important point to remember is that every time we talk to someone we are improving our communication and interactive skills. We learn what works for us and what doesn’t. By resisting contact with others, we rob ourselves of that crucial experience, and any kind of appreciation.

All friendships start with a contact of some kind. That’s the only way strangers turn into friends. If you see someone you like and you’re not sure how to approach them, there are five key things to remember:

1. They are likely to be nervous, too.
2. They might even like you, too.
3. Honesty and sincerity is best! Don’t try too hard to impress. If s/he doesn’t like you exactly as you are, it’s not going to work.
4. The worst outcome is that the person ignores you or tells you ‘no’. Your world won’t collapse, and you’ll still be the same great person you are. Better still, there are tons of other people waiting to be asked!
5. Mutual attraction is what drives any kind of connection. If the attraction isn’t there on their part, too, no matter what you say, your interest might boost their ego, but it won’t make the slightest difference to them.

However, as an opener, the following simple steps should be helpful:

STEP 1 – It is all about confidence in the introduction. Your main aim at this stage is simply to establish a rapport between you. To feel comfortable communicating with that person.

• Ask yourself why you wish to talk to this man/woman.
• What immediate result do you want?
• What exactly are you hoping s/he will do in return?

Try to see the result in your head, see the person smiling and talking to you already. By visualising what you wish to happen, it should give you greater confidence in making the approach. The power of thought is phenomenal for delivering the reality, because you will begin to act in the way you think, so visualisation is not trivial. However, before you say anything at all, remember that showing an interest in that person is the gateway to their attention, nit focusing on yourself. Find something about him/her to comment on, for example, a chain, a bag, a bracelet, etc.

STEP 2 – Say something like this, in your own words, and with a broad smile:

“Hello, I was admiring your chain – or whatever. I think it is lovely (or unusual). Was it a gift, or did you treat yourself? Was it made in this country?”

Always end that first comment with a question. It means s/he has to come back at you with a reply, if they wish to. That observation can be applied to anything visible, and not too personal, on which you can make an interesting comment.

Another question could be, “Hi, sorry to trouble you, but do you know any good coffee shops nearby? I’m parched for a drink but am new to this place.” The lost-boy/lost-girl look can often work wonders, as you obviously need some guidance and they won’t feel too vulnerable or self- conscious helping you. The great thing about the coffee shop question is that, if they give you directions, or volunteer to show you its location, that’s the time you can casually ask if they would like a cuppa too – the least you can do in return for the help!

The first reply is the most crucial, because the tone of voice, whether he smiles back in return, and what she actually says, will tell you if it is worth continuing. If they are a little abrupt, impatient, or doesn’t smile, but is polite and answer your question, be careful in going further. However, if they’re keen to answer, they give added information, or ask something about you, that’s your cue to go with with gusto.

STEP 3: Always remember that people love to talk about themselves, so try to listen more than you talk, and ask questions wherever possible. The more you listen and show interest (regarding hobbies, interests, leisure, studies, etc.) is the more s/he is likely to feel relaxed and comfortable with you, to trust you more, and to see the possibilities for him/herself, too. Moreover, the more they speak or try to impress you, the more you’ll learn whether they are really the right type for you, and how comfortable you feel in their presence. Humour is always welcomed, so keep it lighthearted at this stage, but don’t try to be a comedian.

STEP 4: At some point, casually mention that you have an online presence (like Facebook, TikTok or Twitter) and ask if s/he has one too, and can you link up? By offering online information first, it appears more detached, matter-of-fact, and not too pushy, or desperate. It also shows your desire to be honest and open from the beginning. Too much secrecy is an off-putting barrier. If s/he seems receptive, you could add that you you have enjoyed the chat so much, would they mind exchanging texts or emails to continue it? If they don't react as you expect, emphasise being friends online instead, and leave it to them to make contact again.

If they do seem keen to progress it, too, you could immediately move to the next stage, which is getting their number, with this line of humour, and another big smile.

“I guess I should tell you that I’ve have just won the lottery (pause for effect!) and, as you have been so helpful, I was hoping that we could splash the winnings on some more coffee! Does that interest you at all? No hurry, if course. But I need to celebrate my $10 win with someone interesting like you. Shall we exchange numbers to arrange the next meet up?”

If s/he isn’t amenable by then, and reacting with some major laughter at the lottery part, they really aren’t for you, and you should just wave them on!

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