Diary of a Tired Christian

"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."

Matthew 6:5-6

I have seen the above scripture several times in the last week. I've seen it on IG reels, on a christian video game I play, and in reading the surrounding scriptures while the pastor at the church I attend was focused on verse 8 in an attempt to soothe the parishioners that they could give freely to the church without financial worry. Each time I've seen it, it has caused me to pause and reflect on if I'm showing up in my relationship with God noisily or quietly.

In this day and age of social media, the general trend is that most of the couples who are constantly providing us with carefully edited and filtered versions of their relationship highlight reel are actually struggling once the cameras are turned off. Struggling to find real intimacy with one another and harboring resentment for the feeling that their partner is showing off for the cameras, yet is not able to continue loving on them once the reel is filmed. So I have to ask myself, is my relationship with God giving YouTube couple's page?

I actually grew up in a religion that instilled in us that to follow God was to be performative. Of course it wasn't said so plainly, but it was relied to us constantly by the remarks made (and sometimes punishments doled out) when you fell short in the show you put on. We were required to speak a certain way, look a certain way, attend each of the 3 weekly meetings, participate in those meetings, host bible studies, brag on the hours spent in ministry, bring in new members, and not to dare spend time with "worldly" people unless we were converting them. If you missed several meetings or were caught associating with "worldy" people you would be pulled into a little room and chastised by the elders of the congregation. So must worked diligently to keep up appearances and escape being ostracized , but they were living double lives.

That intense pressure to be performative, that painting of a uncompassionate God who cared more about my field service hours than me, and my being queer, caused me to leave this church in my teens. Thankfully, in my early twenties I learned about grace and how God's grace moved in my life. How God's grace in itself made me enough. Yet, I sometimes feel myself being led by that inner voice that tells me that God is measuring me by my works. By my show.

The church I attend currently, has seemed to trigger that voice, that voice that calls for me show up in a performative way. I hadn't even realized it. I have been attending this church for about a year, and it is a highly Pentecostal church, although they are listed as nondenominational. I have been going watching the show and thinking I was separate. That is until a few weeks ago when I became a performer.

Almost every church I've attended has some form of an alter call, where they call people to come to the front of the church and accept Jesus. Some also call parishioners who are burdened (by life, health issues, etc) to come down to the altar and receive prayer. I'll be honest, I normally do not go to the altar, as performative as my childhood church was, loud displays were not encouraged, altar calls would have been looked at as disorganized, so the altar call aspect still felt weird to me. Yet a few weeks ago when they made the call, I decided to do something new, I decided to show up and walk down to the front of the church. I don't know if it was the music or the high emotional state I was in, but i knelt down began to pray and cry. An intercessor came and prayed over me and while he was still praying, I felt moved by the music (and probably my emotions) to jump up from my kneeling position, raise both my hands in the air and jump up and down wildly.

At the time it felt completely freeing, but as I calmed back down, I suddenly noticed all the people screaming around me and those "speaking in tongues" and the part of my mind that is constantly questioning, wondered if I had just experienced God or a music driven fervor. And honestly I still am unsure, but again I reflect on the scripture where Jesus called us to come to a quiet place and pray with God in an intimate setting. I have to wonder, what would Jesus have thought of the scene at church that afternoon. Funny enough, I went to Google looking for the church page to look up something else and saw a review left for that same day where a newcomer called the church service a "spectacle" and "performative". All I could do was nod and agree.

So now I have spent the last week looking for "open and affirming" churches for my family and I. Which, I am trusting that God will lead me to. Examining how I am showing up with God, to make sure I am emphasizing real quality time with Him. Ensuring that my time with God is personal and intimate, not performative. And taking time to reflect on God's grace, so that I am not swayed by that voice that wants me prove my place with God, but instead have genuine connection. Because I do have a genuine connection with God and for that I am very thankful. And I have also been inspired to create a prayer corner or cubby in my room, which my creative mind is excited to do as a fun way of worshiping and spending time with God.