Diary of a Tired Christian

In my last entry I talked about how I had been called to "just show up", I felt encouraged and confident, because it was such a simple task. Right? Well, last week humbled me on just how hard showing up actually is. Not only did I fall sick with a cold, but mother nature decided to come through bringing all of her extra baggage and demanding I let her stay with me for a few days. So then set in my hardship of showing up.

I may be the only one, but being sick puts me in a horrible mood. I mean just a feeling of being vulnerable, uncared for, unable to care for myself, and lonely. I am sure that it stems from childhood trauma, which is being worked on in therapy, but those negative doubts can come knocking on the door pretty quickly if I'm really down and out. So come Sunday two weeks ago, I was in my feelings and fighting the urge to just stay in with snacks and a warm blanket. Doubt tried to convince me that I could just watch online, that no one would notice that I didn't come, that "showing up" could also mean opening up my laptop.

Yet, I dragged myself up and out of the house, I was 5 mins late, but I made it to church greeted by smiling faces. Ironically, one holding a sign with the hashtag "you belong here". I sat through service, still moody, taking notes and following along with the pastor. But, in my head doubt was telling me that the Pastor didn't really want me there. That as a queer woman, living in my femme invisibility, they would ostracize me if they knew.

The pastor had alluded to the "sin" of "sexual confusion" a few weeks back and now in my doubtful state, his words were preying on my mind and my resolve to show up. But still I sat through the service, grimacing when he mentioned how we needed to be proactive in fellowship, staying after the service and speaking with others to really know one another. Again, I felt that familiar nagging of apprehension that I would be accepted. All of me, the queer God girl. My doubts and church hurt getting to me, I left immediately after the service. As I was walking out, I noticed an older brother at the church that often greets me, looking at me with concern in his eyes, I wondered if he really "saw" me.

When I left out (or more accurately, finished fleeing) from church I decided to walk for a bit. I walked and prayed with God to remind me that I belong, even if imperfect humans in church try to make me feel as if I don't. I recently saw a quote where a gay teen expressed that when they came to terms with the fact that they were gay, they left the church, because it had been so ingrained in them that they could not be both gay and christian. That is such a relatable feeling, especially growing up in a strict religious sect where people were literally "disfellowshipped" as a way of ostracizing them for any act considered a sin. That guilt and shame now inadvertantly turned on self, creating a barrier between you and God. A barrier to showing up. Yet God never said that we are barred from Him. Jesus never said it either, in any of his recorded words.

While I was walking, praying and trying to remember this, I stopped at a light, looked up and saw a church in front of me with two giant pride flags flying high. I had to laugh, because sometimes the way that God answers us is so boldly in our face. I had walked that way so many times, yet missed that church. I stood staring at the church door, their service was over according to the sign, but in an effort to "show up" I started walking towards the door.

I wasn't sure why or what I was looking for, but just as I got close, the priest walked out. Like a tourist, I looked at him and started pointing at the pride flags, finally managing to ask if they were "affirming". His response that ,"Well, the priest is gay so..!" made me chuckle for the first time that day, immediately beginning to lift my mood. I stood outside speaking with him for a while, having him pour into and affirm God's love for me, as well as inviting me and my family to the church. I was so happy in that moment that I had showed up, if I hadn't gone to church, I wouldn't have walked by and talked to the priest. And even if I never make it to visiting that church, knowing it is there ready to welcome me as my full self is comforting.

Yet, I still had more showing up to do after that and it did not get easier. I needed to show up in my daily bible study. I needed to stay out of my head whenever a pastor mentioned sin, waiting for the homosexuality lumped in with murderers rant. And I needed to show up to my fellowship group, which I didn't make due to mother nature, BUT I did reach out to the facilitator to get the lesson for the week, instead of ghosting the group like I wanted. In fact, I still feel an urge to ghost the group, but I intend on showing up this week. Showing up simply because I have the right to be there. Again, intending to show up as all of me, maybe not wearing a pride banner, but I will not hide it. Mainly because I am tired of letting others discomfort influence my comfort when it comes to worshiping God(and beyond).

And of course I could easily go to one of the few affirming churches in my city, but I have spent years looking for specific factors in church. Mainly, I want to grow in my walk with God, I can't do that if the service is preaching protests over digging deep into scripture. Unfortunately, for now it means that I may come across imperfect humans who are like those Paul wrote to and are worried more about tradition instead of evolving. Who don't take time to study the history and realize that in Paul's time there was a practice of keeping male child sex slaves, which he was admonishing. So until I find an affirming and teaching church, I will show up where I am now.

I have to say that this past Sunday, I showed up to church, way less moody, as myself, and worshiped out in the open...again, I was not waving a pride banner. I even enjoyed some fellowship, staying late after church this time. And I felt resolved to meet any rejection or tolerance of my queer presence, when and if it happens, with confidence. Showing up has definitely been a harder task then I originally imagined, but it is bringing with it lessons in my confidence as God's child, faith in receiving God's love, and strength to come as I am.

And as I show up, God meets me there, every time. Sunday's message was fittingly titled, "how to fight when you can't stand" and covered how to navigate doubt and have faith in our walk (or in my case being carried) with God. Again, I had to laugh, because God never lets me down in boldly showing me that He has my back and giving me help to walk with Him. All I have to do is show up.