Diary of a Tired Christian

The bible says "they will run and not grow weary", but I have to admit that I have been feeling pretty weary these days. Especially with the events of the last 5 years, I'm downright exhausted. I feel that I have been running the race my whole life, trying to stick by God and hold onto His hand in the dark, while the enemy slings all kind of obstacles at me. Everything from childhood trauma, fighting through the conditioning of that childhood trauma in adulthood, more trauma, and on top of it all being unwelcome at multiple churches because I am queer. Yet I'm still here, beat up and all, but I am tired.

What do you do when you feel like you don't have anymore fight in you? Maybe that is the point of it all, maybe the point is not to fight. Maybe I was running along with God, when the whole time I should have just stomped my foot like a sleepy toddler with their arms raised upwards, pleading with God to carry me. Surrender. I'll be 40 this year, which means it took me 39 years to realize I just needed to stop and put my hands up. As I look back at the past 39 years, I cannot help but be incredibly amused by the simplicity of that. And in my exhaustion, I finally understand the rants of the prophets, their surrender to the reality that they couldn't even "direct their steps" successfully, exasperatedly giving all the control over to God. And not how we say we will on Sundays, but then the compromising and doubts come in and we are back to doing things our way, but really letting "Jesus take the wheel". Embodying a "when you move, I move. Just like that" mindset in the biblical sense.

So here I am, now readied to be carried by God through this next chapter of my life. And while being carried is easier, it definitely won't mean that I don't have to do anything at all. Anyone who has every carried a dead weight sleeping child knows that it brings a lot more back ache and sore arms then a child who is actively holding on. So then what does holding on look like for me? I am not completely sure. Again, I'm clinging to God for direction on that, but where I have been led is to just show up. To show up at church, whether the Pastor goes on a side rant about lgbt people being "delivered" from their homosexualtity or not, because I have a right to be present in God's house. To show up in how I communicate with God, making sure that I don't ghost God and pop up when I need help. To show up in how I spend my time, am I doom scrolling or I being productive towards things that would help me to hold on tighter. And showing up in building support and fellowship with others also trying to hold on, which literally requires me to just show up for chances to serve or bible study groups. And in all of this to show up authentically as who God made me to be.

So I'm tired, but I'm resting in God. Hoping to find more being carried along side me , especially other queer christians because it sometimes feels like a deserted path where my lgbt fam is concerned. Which, I of course understand and relate to as well. And meanwhile, I will keep you all updated on the latest diary entries of a weary traveler.