Dear Gianna

Q: My friend told me that I am a pushover, that I am never able to say no to my boyfriend. I don’t think I am a pushover, just want to make him happy, and I don't want to disappoint him. Also, I have said to him that I didn't like some things, and I was very clear about it. But he got upset, and I didn't want to create problems, so I decided to let it go. In love, we need to be able to compromise. Am I right?

I agree that love is compromise, but there is a big difference between compromise and an inability to set boundaries. Your letter sounds to me as if you are scared to ever say no because if you do, your boyfriend will like you less.

According to author Jack Ito, we become needy if we lack self-love and are anxious about not being enough. Needy people are not able to implement boundaries because their main fear is losing their partner.

Boundaries are the limits we put between ourselves and others to avoid things that could damage us and ensure we are comfortable in a specific situation.

But if someone is insecure and needy, they will put up with hurtful behaviours even when they said they wouldn't. Instead, they will complain, nag, and argue but never really stand up for themselves and never leave when they said they would.

The truth is that being a pushover creates an even more unstable relationship for us and those around us. We create healthy patterns for our relationships when we draw a clear line that cannot be crossed without consequences.

The myth Amor and Psyche tells us the story of a beautiful princess, Psyche, who falls in love with the God of love himself, Eros (Amor or Cupid for the Romans).

I won't be telling you the whole story here; however, Psyche married Eros without knowing who he was. She had never seen his face; they had always met in the dark, and Psyche had promised to never try to find out his identity. This was because Eros' mother, the goddess of beauty Aphrodite, really disliked Psyche, so Eros wanted to ensure his mother never learned that he was married to the woman she hated the most.

Anyway, overtaken by curiosity, Psyche, one night holding a lamp, shone a light on her sleeping husband and was shocked to learn who he was. He woke up and, hurt by the betrayal, flew away, leaving her heartbroken. To find her lost love, Psyche went to her mother-in-law, who told her that she would reveal where her son was only if Psyche overcame four almost impossible tasks. Psyche managed to come back victorious from the first three. The fourth task is the one I want to tell you about: Aphrodite wanted to assign the cruellest task she could think of, so she sent the girl to the Underworld to convince the goddess Persephone to give her a box containing a beauty ointment. Psyche thought this was the end of her journey; she would surely die and never see Eros again. But, while she was despairing, a tower spoke to her and told her step by step how to get to the Underworld safely, most importantly, that she should not stop for anyone who asked her for help.

Psyche's story can be seen as a metaphor for the inner journey we have to go through to find self-love. I find it incredibly interesting that the only way to get to the Underworld was to not stop for anyone who asked for help. Does this mean that we have to be selfish? Not at all; It means that if we want to descend into the most buried corners of ourselves to find who we really are, to be successful in our growth journey, we must be able to set boundaries: we must learn to say no, when it's necessary and continue our journey without distractions.

When Psyche arrives in the Underworld, she is supposed to take the beauty ointment and not open the box for any reason. But she doesn't resist the temptation. She wants to apply some beauty to herself to become more desirable. At that moment, she dies. Why couldn't she resist? Because she wasn't secure, her ego told her that she wasn't pretty enough, that she wasn't worthy, so she wanted to add some extra external qualities to herself, to become desirable. and then, when she let her old ego die, Eros flew back to her and brought her back to life, since he knew he loved her.

In "The power of Vulnerability TEDxHouston June 2010", Renee Brown explains how her research on connection showed her that the people who truly experience belonging and healthy relationships are those who believe they're worthy. According to the author, those people all have one thing in common; the courage to be imperfect. They know they must practice compassion to themselves as much as they do to others. And "as a result of authenticity, they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that for connection". Like Psyche: when she learned to set boundaries and let go of her old ego (who she thought she should be), she was finally united with her love.

The reason you refuse to say no could have a lot to do with how much you value yourself and who you think you should be in order to be loved. Do you think that they will leave you unless you provide convenience and make it as easy as possible to be with you? Do you think they have no other reason to stay? Yes, you should make it easy to be with you, but someone who truly loves and values you will respect and want to be with you, even when you express your needs and wants. Actually, they will respect you more.

Start by believing you're worthy of love if you want to be loved.