Dating Myself : Day One

9am

Good morning readers! Or should I more accurately say, good morning internet void that this post will most likely disappear into! Today is officially day one of my dating myself experiment. To be honest, I felt a bit silly last night planning a month of lonesome dates, but I woke up this morning excited to get started! However, that excitement was soon squashed by the unwelcome bank notification that my account has been overdrawn. Oh joy. So I guess I will be starting out the month with a budget-friendly date while I try to get my finances sorted.

Life in your twenties is hard…

So here’s what’s on the agenda: After I finish up my actual work responsibilities and finally tackle the mountain of laundry that’s been staring judgmentally at me, I will spend the afternoon taking myself for a walk in the park and stop at the library to work on my novel for a few hours. Later, I will treat myself to a luxurious bath- filled to the brim with bubbles, of course- and then scurry off to my friend’s house for a girl’s night in. Sounds pretty lovely to me!

I’ll be back in the evening to check in and share all the details from day one! See you in a bit

x.

10am

Well, my lovely stroll plan has gone out the window. It’s been an hour since I wrote the entry above, and the weather gods have since decided that rain was in order. I suppose I’ll have to settle for a library date and go for a walk another time. C'est la vie.

2pm

The rain has come and officially washed away my schedule for the day. Instead of taking myself out, I stayed in. I relaxed, I drank coffee and wrote for hours and felt completely at ease. I had the house to myself today, and it felt nice to be alone. If I had been feeling just a tad bit pessimistic, I may have convinced myself that I should start over tomorrow; that today’s date was rained out and therefore pointless. Instead, I made the best of it. Besides, dates aren’t really about what you do- they’re about how you feel. The butterflies you get, the rush of excitement, the ease of knowing there’s nowhere else you’d rather be.

I’ve always felt a deep connection with the rain, as horribly cheesy as that sounds. I think I was perhaps supposed to live somewhere cold, dark, and perpetually damp. Seattle, maybe? So today, I am choosing to take this weather as a sign. The universe is looking out for me, reminding me to remember who I am. The rain is washing away my previously insecure attitude so that it can be replaced by confidence and self-love. Who cares if today didn’t go to plan- I’ve always enjoyed spontaneous dates anyhow!

10pm

So today went rogue. In fact, it went so horribly against the plan I had made that I actually feel embarrassed to share the truth. I didn’t go for my walk, I didn’t visit the library or take a bath, and my girl’s night plans were canceled. Here’s what happened instead: I stayed home, wrote for a bit, did some laundry (thank goodness), and read for longer than I intended. In the late afternoon, my boyfriend came home- earlier than I expected- and I was swiftly pressured to cancel my existing plans. A stronger woman may have put up a fight, defended her independence and put her foot down, but I won’t lie to you reader- I am not that woman. My strength is a weakness. In fact, I don’t have much of it at all.

We went out to grab drinks, at my request as I was still dying to get out of the house. We spent the evening in near silence. For a while, we talked of my interests and dreams, and for a moment I actually felt happy. Unsurprisingly, that feeling was fleeting. Quickly we were back to our usually scheduled programming: indifference with a side of judgment. The bar turned lively, filled with young people about my age dancing to songs from the early 2000s that I loved in middle school. My older partner wanted to leave and made no effort to conceal it.

So where does all of this bring me? I guess it served as a reminder of why I’m doing this. It reminded me that I need to find a way to assert myself; to hold my own against someone who has become skilled in making me bend to their whim. I’ll try again tomorrow- hopefully redoing today’s original plan.

For now, I’ll end with this: If you feel more lonely when your partner comes home than you do when you’re alone, it may be time to move on.

X.