Complicated Relationship

Hi Mars, how are you? Are you happy today? I hope, you are happy right now, Mars. Having fun with your little family, stroking your beloved cat or enjoying a cup of Kopi Kenangan Mantan with a vape in your pocket.

Mars, I'm not feeling well. Even though I still laugh at the jokes my co-workers. Or still join a friend's invitation to enjoy Ramen at the Mall near the office as a lunch.

In fact, I've often been speechless by the realization that there are other women he should be looking out for. The fact that he never posts our photos in his status because he has to take care of other hearts. The fact that tonight maybe he's making love with other than me.

Really Mars, I need your shoulder. Crying in your arms.

I'm stupid am I, Mars? Stay by his side, when he no longer wants me? I'm scare, Mars. Afraid to disappoint my mom. Because I'm the only child that have a “normal” married life. Not my brother who divorced in the 2nd year of his marriage, even though they have been dating for more than 10 years. Neither did my elder sister, who married a man who claimed to have divorced his wife but it turned out that everything was still in the process, and mom who had to accept abuse from her wife. Likewise with my younger sister who divorced from her husband when her little boy still needed his mom and dad. Among them, my marriage looks the most "normal". We were never seen having a big fight, my mom loved him more than her other son-in-law, because of his ability to win the hearts of parents. I don't think only my mother would love him. All the mothers in this world would probably give up their daughters for him if only he proposed them.

I'm stupid am I Mars? Accepted his decision to have other woman.

I want to be happy Mars. May I? Is that right? Why should I fall in love with you? And why should you accept my love Mars? So that my heart is no longer whole for him. So that he was so hurt then see other woman who is much better than me.

Mars, are you still looking for my path? Or have you forgotten that there was once someone-me, in your heart? Much better if you have forgotten me. But somehow I'm sad about that fact. Though I wish you happiness Mars. Really.

Mars, do I really don't deserve to be loved? Why did everyone turn away from me Mars? You and him?

I'm hurt, when he visited his woman. This punishment is so heavy for me Mars. It's really hard, but this is what I have to do, Mars, right? Is it?

Why don't you find my writing, Mars? Don't you want to know about me anymore? Are you happy with her, Mars?

I miss you, Mars. I want to cry on your shoulder. Or just smoke together. We don't need to talk. Just keep silence among us. Let the crackling sound of the fire burn the tobacco leave the smoke.

I'm sorry Mars. Couldn't keep my promise, to no longer look for you. I'm still looking for your tracks, but none can I find. I'm too scared to add your number to my contacts again.

I'm sorry Mars.