Clueless

28/5/22

dear sunflower,

so where I should I start from, I am basically stuck I don't know where exactly the days are passing but I can't seem to be moving. How should I put in words that I can't bear it anymore I need to let it out.

I am not able to find a place where I can go you know the time between your school exams and college entrance that you are yet to know that are you even worthy or not. I question my ability every day ,every hour ,every minute.

when I put my head to the pillow all I can think about will I be able to make it to another day another week or not . Then ,I get up in the morning to do what I have to what I need to. I do my everyday chores I laugh I crack lame jokes , I try to fool around but inside I am breaking apart. when alone I look in the mirror I don't know who is the person on the other side is , my nose might be the same but my soul is cracked and shallowed.

I've always been a listener you know that friend who is always smiling , making others laugh asking them how your day went and stuff. but a listener needs a listener too. I don't know when I will feel worthy again .

So right now its neither white nor black for me its all grey in my life.

But still to move I go by the ancient proverb that is still use by the old people of India , " agar cheni hathori ki maar se murti ko takleef ho to wo kabhi muhrat nhi ban skti" this means - if during the process of making the sculpture feels pain it can never turn out into a beautiful sculpture.

31/5/22.

dear sunflower ,

So today I could not sleep I had known this for a while but now I am finally addressing this that I am falling into depression maybe a very rough word to be used by a teenager and its been a while in the pandemic to slam such claims but its true , I can't sleep at night I can't get out of my bed ,I haven't left my house in days.

few hours later...….

Am I ready for a change? maybe yes maybe no!

My heart quivers every time I think of a change in my life. since 2020 my life has been the same and has changed you know what I mean, but I find myself still in the same position.

Ok! so this might be the blog where I would document how change feels - uncomfortable , lengthy maybe I would just want to go back to my old habits or maybe I would love who I am becoming .

OH God Shireen there are so many maybes in your conversation . that's 'maybe' because I am not sure of anything, no one is btw .

So anyways , from today I am embarking on a new journey of not a physical change but mental .

I have never been a speaker always a listener or you can say more like a writer, I don't believe in one to one conversation rather intrapersonal communication but today if this article gets published I am letting the whole world know what I am about to do!

lets try my luck on this one , I hope people are not counting on me haha see when it comes to my feelings I run out of words otherwise I am the first one to start a conversation in the group , the most vibrant , fidgety and happy girl you will ever come across but who know what's going on inside the room.

PS: sunflower gives me and is my favorite flower .