Are you Difficult to Love?
Self reflection is the key to life
The idea that one is, in many ways, an extremely difficult person to be in a relationship with may sound rather improbable and even, at points, offensive. Yet, fully understanding and readily and graciously admitting to this possibility might be the surest way of making sure one is an endurable proposition over the long term. There are few people more deeply insufferable than those who don't, at regular intervals, suspect they might be, so we are all of us invariably hugely tricky characters. We don't need to know anyone in particular to know this about everyone. We have all, in some way or another, been inadequately parented. We have a panoply of unfortunate psychological traits; we're beset by bad habits; we're anxious, jealous, ill-tempered, and vain. We are bringing an awesome amount of trouble into someone else's life by agreeing to be their partner. We tend to be shielded from this unwelcome news prior to a big relationship through a mixture of sentimentality and neglect. Our parents loved us too much to tell us; our friends don't want to get bogged down in detailed critiques of our personalities—a pleasant occasional meal is all they want from us, and our exes were too keen to escape from us to offer up a helpfully detailed critique of our personalities; they simply told us they needed a little bit more space or needed to take a long trip to India. Furthermore, when we're on our own, we just don't notice how annoying we might well be in the eyes of others. Perhaps we were in a sulk for the whole of Sunday, but no one was there to be driven crazy by our self-pity and our passive fury. We may have tendencies to use our work as an escape from intimacy, but so long as we're not permanently with someone, we can pass off our eccentric hours without comment; our peculiar eating habits won't be real until there is another person across the table to register our challenging chewing sounds and ingredient combinations. Eventually, a partner will call us out on these traits; it feels like a horrible personal attack which a nicer person wouldn't put us through, but it's no such thing; it's an inevitable response to our failings, which anyone would need eventually to bring up. Our partner is not really doing anything odd; they're merely holding up a mirror. Everyone seen close-up has an appalling amount wrong with their characters; it's not us, it's the human condition. The specifics vary hugely, of course; people are nightmarish in different ways, but the basic point is there, whatever we think or feel about ourselves, we will be revealed as sorely defective upon close-up prolonged inspection. Sadly, it's not that our partner is being too critical or unusually demanding; they are the bearer of an inevitable bit of bad news—that we are a nightmare. Being asked to acknowledge one's flaws isn't a request to admit something very strange; what would be strange would be to think that one was without major defects. Of course, we have some delightful qualities as well, but it does mean that we are unavoidably going to be very hard for another person to live around. We need, therefore, to ask ourselves, in as candid a manner as we can manage, what specifically might be slightly crazy or desperate or undeveloped in our characters. Maturity involves having quite a detailed answer to the question, "How are you difficult to live with?" A presumption of one's own innocence is at the heart of self-righteousness and cruelty. Because our minds may go blank at this point and remember only our tender and beautiful sides, we should lean on a set of prompts. For example, when I'm annoyed, I have a tendency to... when I feel hurt, I... when I'm tired, I... around money, I can be a bit difficult because I guess I worry really quite a lot about... I suppose I might be a bit of a handful around sex because... The point of prompting greater awareness of our questionable patterns of behavior isn't to feel guilty or ashamed about them, just to see how easily they could be confusing, disturbing, and annoying to another person. We need, before we commit ourselves to a relationship, to get fully acquainted with all the ways in which we are going to be a serious challenge to live around. Our relationship reboot cards inspire conversations that can help to rekindle love between you and your partner.
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The Philosophy of Stoicism
You've been stranded thousands of miles from home with no money or possessions. Such a predicament would make many people despair and curse their awful fate. But for Zeno of Cyprus, it became the foundation of his life's work and legacy. The once wealthy merchant lost everything when he was shipwrecked in Athens around 300 BCE. With not much else to do, he wandered into a book shop, became intrigued by reading about Socrates, and proceeded to seek out and study with the city's noted philosophers. As Zeno began educating his own students, he originated the philosophy known as Stoicism, whose teachings of virtue, tolerance, and self-control have inspired generations of thinkers and leaders. The name Stoicism comes from the Stoa Poikile, the decorated public colonnade where Zeno and his disciples gathered for discussion. Today, we colloquially use the word stoic to mean someone who remains calm under pressure and avoids emotional extremes. But while this captures important aspects of Stoicism, the original philosophy was more than just an attitude. The Stoics believed that everything around us operates according to a web of cause and effect, resulting in a rational structure of the universe, which they called logos. And while we may not always have control over the events affecting us, we can have control over how we approach things. Rather than imagining an ideal society, the Stoic tries to deal with the world as it is while pursuing self-improvement through four cardinal virtues: practical wisdom, the ability to navigate complex situations in a logical, informed, and calm manner; temperance, the exercise of self-restraint and moderation in all aspects of life; justice, treating others with fairness even when they have done wrong; and courage, not just in extraordinary circumstances, but facing daily challenges with clarity and integrity. As Seneca, one of the most famous Roman Stoics wrote, "Sometimes, even to live is an act of courage." But while Stoicism focuses on personal improvement, it's not a self-centered philosophy. At a time when Roman laws considered slaves as property, Seneca called for their humane treatment and stressed that we all share the same fundamental humanity. Nor does Stoicism encourage passivity. The idea is that only people who have cultivated virtue and self-control in themselves can bring positive change in others. One of the most famous Stoic writers was also one of Rome's greatest emperors. Over the course of his 19-year reign, Stoicism gave Marcus Aurelius the resolve to lead the Empire through two major wars, while dealing with the loss of many of his children. Centuries later, Marcus's journals would guide and comfort Nelson Mandela through his 27-year imprisonment during his struggle for racial equality in South Africa. After his release and eventual victory, Mandela stressed peace and reconciliation, believing that while the injustices of the past couldn't be changed, his people could confront them in the present and seek to build a better, more just future. Stoicism was an active school of philosophy for several centuries in Greece and Rome. As a formal institution, it faded away, but its influence has continued to this day. Christian theologians, such as Thomas Aquinas, have admired and adopted its focus on the virtues, and there are parallels between Stoic Ataraxia, or tranquility of mind, and the Buddhist concept of Nirvana. One particularly influential Stoic was the philosopher Epictetus who wrote that suffering stems not from the events in our lives, but from our judgements about them. This has resonated strongly with modern psychology and the self-help movement. For example, rational emotive behavioral therapy focuses on changing the self-defeating attitudes people form about their life circumstances. There's also Viktor Frankl's logotherapy. Informed by Frankl's own time as a concentration camp prisoner, logotherapy is based on the Stoic principle that we can harness our will power to fill our lives with meaning, even in the bleakest situations.
By Ash Martin12 months ago in Potent
Building A Better Tomorrow
In the field which I work in, I have learned many things, and of those things, I would most certainly say that the most valuable tool I have in my arsenal, which has the greatest capability of helping to not just bridge the gaps, that exist when communication barriers are present, it allows for the true establishment of authentic connection, this tool is none other than Compassion. I take time each and every morning, to reflect on the experiences I have had, and when I began doing this initially, I had much more than yesterday to reflect on, I had years of trauma which had been left in the darkness, having had no light truly shed upon them for a substantial duration of time. When something happens to us, of either a smaller less significant impact, or something of a greater, more significant impact, we must always ensure that we take the time to analyze, and process these events, regardless of how big or little they may be.
By Kaylon Forsythabout 18 hours ago in Humans
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