Addictive bonds, a behavioral addiction

What does it mean to be in an addictive bond? Why do we stay stuck in a relationship that destroys us?

It is clear that there are as many relationships of couples as there are people, and that the word "love" has a different connotation for each of us, depending on our childhood attachment, our education and the experiences we have had since we were children. But in general, the fact of sustaining a bond that hurts us , remaining attached to unrequited love, continuing to be tied to ex-partners with whom we live horrible relationships, are what we currently call behavioral addictions.

In them, as in an addiction to a substance, we cannot stop doing what, despite being aware that it will later bring us suffering, also generates a certain enjoyment in repeating these behaviors over and over again.

Characteristics of addictive links

In an addiction, regardless of its kind, what we remain attached to is that first experience of pleasure, even if we never find it again . In the particular case of behavioral addictions associated with a bond, we seek to relive the enjoyment of the first encounter.

With advances in science, today we know that the same areas of the brain are activated in the different types of addictions. Where behavioral addictions differ from other addictions, such as cocaine addiction, is that they do not involve a problematic use of any substance , but rather have to do with addiction to habits. To habits that are beyond the control of the person, being very harmful.

This means that these habits may not be harmful in themselves, but rather they are for the person, due to the type of relationship that the person establishes with him.

The tendency to obsess

Likewise, another characteristic of behavioral addictions is obsession. This appears as an intrusive thought , which settles in our mind without letting us think about anything else and without being able to be avoided. The relationship and the other become total and complete focus for the person. The need and fear of losing the other is so, so intense that all our energy is focused there.

The tolerance

Likewise, in addictions associated with substances we find the phenomenon of tolerance, that is, more and more of the substance is necessary to obtain the desired effect. In behavioral addictions, tolerance implies that one begins to accept things that at first seemed unacceptable ; every time we push the limit of what is allowed, even going beyond our own values. This causes us enormous pain.

withdrawal discomfort

Another characteristic shared by the different types of addictions is abstinence. In the case of behavioral addictions, withdrawal has to do with the absence of that person (either because of a real break or just the idea of ​​it). This makes the person panic, generating a lot of anguish . This is evidenced in those moments in which the person becomes aware that this relationship is hurting him, and tries to end it, but the anguish is so great that the person gives up, and constantly returns to this relationship, enduring things that he would never have imagined, losing even their dignity.

The control

The last characteristic that the different addictions share is control. The person attempts to control both the relationship and the other person . But... What is trying to control? What we try to control is that the other does not abandon us. The person permanently feels anguish and anxiety, because he perceives all the time that the relationship is being threatened.