A Letter to You: Doshini

I, for years, have tried to mimic the resonance of your song. I have failed to strum the right strings, in your succession. My vibrato mimics my longing in futile attempts at playing your refrain. I realize now, however, that the strength of your verse did not come from forced baselines. Instead it was crafted through an entanglement of trial and error, dynamics. The beauty you sang was full of experience, of moments and memories.

Bhajans, like you, tell stories of journeys that wax and wane like the moon. The first resonances heard are soft. Yet with it each note still carries undeniable weight. Then the tune builds. It gains momentum. The melody races. And then it slows. As if it remembered something and wished to simply bask for a moment and reminisce. A pleasant memory.

You cherished memories. Our memories are the only possessions that we are permitted to take with us when we leave this world. Gold, perfumes, cars, diamonds, houses will all be left behind. But each sadness, fear, pain, joy, love, and peace we experience are forever.

It seems like forever since I’ve seen you, since I heard your voice. And yet a mere five years have gone by. Five years of moments, memories, without you. I don’t have the words to fully explain how I feel. I don’t know if I’ll ever find them; but I’ll try. And so the song goes on. Each day I think of you is a new chord added. Each day I miss you is a rest, a silent plea. Every minute I’m reminded of a different moment we shared. I cling to them. And I submerge myself in the sensation.

It’s unexpectedly pleasant. It’s healing.

There’s a needed therapy in remembering, like there’s a need for rain. It’s light at first. Then it’s heavy. It gets light again and then unbearable. It’s a tumultuous, balanced and off balance cry. But it’s needed for flowers to bloom, for growth. It’s needed for me to grow, for me to find meaning in each winding phrase. It’s a long road. It’s one with alluring crescendos and decrescendos. It’s dense. It’s light. It’s infinite. But it’s full of wonder and welcomes transformation and enlightenment. It upholds principles of life. It’s the music theory you instilled in me, the means to write my own melody.

Note from the author:

"A Letter to You: Doshini '' is a work I wrote as a part of my "Letter to You" series. This is a series I had long forgotten. I no longer had the same inspiration to carry these stories with me. I had lost important writing, this one in particular. My resources were not sufficient to complete the work that I had set out to do. And life was kicking me in my lady balls. For reasons bigger than myself–a higher power must have been involved–I recently stumbled upon my draft of "A Letter to You: Doshini ''. I wrote it about a year ago about my friend's mom and their relationship. I was honored that she shared the deep experiences of her life with me. I interviewed her and during that process she seemed to have started to interview herself. It was a profound experience. I am forever grateful for it. And I hope this work will reach whoever needs it. I'm grateful to have written it. Stay tuned for more. The series will go on. In the coming days I'll formally introduce the series and its background. Thank you for reading. Leave a comment if you are so moved. I love to connect with you.

-Jen