A Journey Within Therapy 2022

”It’s your road and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.”

I see this quote and I immediately think of my father and some of his more infamous, crass, indifferent and tough love quotes. “It is what it is” and “When I’m dead and gone no one will do this for you so learn it now,” in regards to my lupus. As I recover and recuperate from my last hospital stay; the first one this year but, the fourth in a span of three months. Whenever my dad would say his quotes of wisdom I would go in rebellion mode and think who in their right mind would let you raise a kid by yourself and who hurt you to be so cold to your sick child like that; as I rolled my eyes and had attitude registered all on my face away from his view. I was bold but not that bold when it came to my father aka the Warden for the way he sheltered me from the world despite having me grow up fast.

However, as I grew up, went through some things on my own, and became a parent myself I thanked my dad for his madness and toughness. It made me resilient for the most part though I do have scars and side effects. When it came to my lupus strength became a word people would use in regards to me often when they would see the things I’ve endured battling this wolf of a disease. Although, I have come to teach people strength isn’t a trait it’s an everyday thing when fighting a chronic illness that becomes not only physical, but emotional and mental.

Prime example of a physical illness becoming emotional and mental. According to the Warden my mom got her beauty spa certificate while seven months pregnant with me. Had many different suitors in the P.I. but she chose my dad see. Even when she laid dying she stayed true and told suitors off waiting for my dads wedding ring. The only thing she ever lied about was her morality rate, he was NEVER supposed to know that lupus had sealed her fate. A secret she could keep even to her grave. But for whatever reason she let slip by mishap that her time on earth was close to finite. Time is an uncontrollable force, as mortals we have no power or choice. Even now as I write this I can picture the strength it must have taken to be resigned to her inevitable mortality rate; the day after I turned one as she died alone. As much as I used to hate the man I called dad I can't imagine the anguish he suffered away from family and on his own. Especially, when her spirit sent chills through him on base as she ascended to her final resting place. Until he passed away in 2016, 7/10/1989 would still haunt him because I was a sad reminder. As I conquer lupus day by day I know he asked himself why oh why wasn't the love of his life allowed to survive. Can you imagine having to look at your child and be reminded they lived and your significant other, your first and only real love died. No, neither could I. Hence, the emotional and mental ramifications of an illness for the patient and family involved.

Due to the that trauma my dad endured watching my mom suffer then having to watch me; I can understand his quotes. "It is what it is" because decisions we make we can't take back once done so find a way to cope. “When I’m dead and gone no one will do this for you so learn it now” because he wanted me prepared for the marathon I would face. As much as I despised being reminded I was sick I'm thankful and grateful he kept it brutally honest. Because there are days I do feel like giving up I won't lie but my history has me pause as I look at my kid. It's when I have people who don't know what it feels like to deal with a triple illness daily, constantly have something to say about how I do something but would never know my struggle on a daily; is when it all becomes a little too much. YET so many have many opinions that get in my head cause me to doubt to the point I want to hurt myself or sleep forever to make the bad thoughts and hurt stop. Probably why any bad energy, too much judgmental egos, or misery loves company vibes I'm quick to find ways to pack and leave.

I can be doing everything I;m supposed to and I will still be labeled. Afraid to hang with certain friends for fear of being called or accused by association. Still being called an addict or my favorite term “pill popping whore” and using my illness to hide behind, even though no one hears me when I say years of being on these meds my body is used to them they don't work. So naturally a higher dose is needed. I get accused of keeping secrets but when I speak I'm ignored for the most part so I just keep my silence golden. I laugh at certain ish because if I run out and don’t have the money to get meds I can go without. I’m not out here stealing or feening but it’s ok believe what you want I’m done defending myself. I’ve been known who I am it just hurts when it comes from family who thinks they know me and what I have to deal with on a daily fighting my body from the inside out. Just because you see me everyday don’t mean you can have a clue. The best way I can get you to picture a day in my life is telling you to go get covid and still go work, take care of home inside and outside, while being mommy; then try doing all that without meds of ANY KIND to help with the aches and pains and symptoms, but the aches really feel like needles tap dancing on nerves and pains is a mac truck running you over and then reversing and just staying on top of you and symptoms is wanting to eat, throw up, cry; be part of the world one minute, next left alone and while out here walking around like a zombie no matter how much sleep you get. Chronic illnesses are alot and people who walk this daily try to walk around not bothering no one. If you've gone through covid or can picture it and you hurt congrats welcome to my life. I don't get taken serious because I don’t look sick and tired and I'm still out here handling business on my good days. People ask how I am I say ok because there’s no point and thats twenty years of doing this I've learned most don't care or if they do think your faking it for whateber reason or take pity. Either emotion makes me feel some kind of way so on this road I just keep it moving. As long as I know who I am, what I'm about, where I'm going, how I'm getting there and who I'm doing it for all the opinions no longer affect me like they used to. This Journey Within is mine nobody elses.