Why I Changed My Mind And Opted To Fight

His death was the final straw. After my dad and sister passed, God calling back my lover, friend and yes the first real man I would have submitted to once I healed from the hurt; it was definitely time for a change. Had I known that impulsive decision would have caused a domino effect I would have stayed my ass in Colorado, living in my childhood home, working at my dream hospital job, riding out my remaining years of multiple streams of income till reserves were tapped. However, I made the impulsive decision to move with no real plan in place during a pandemic no less. Well at the time I didn't know a pandemic was going to happen because had I known that I wouldn't have compromised my health no matter if I had been for the most part in remission (a significant amount of time with no major lupus symptoms) other than my normal aches and pains that were managed by my pain meds. No sir looking back had I known a pandemic was going to happen and the domino effect of being homeless, not getting medical care for my chronic illness, not being able to get meds, having to work 3 jobs 7 days a week, Arizona threatening to take my daughter because i didn't have anyone to watch her while I was sick in the hospital; yes I would have stayed in Colorado where I had established care, my meds were available to me monthly like clockwork, one job that paid all my bills, a home and most importantly I knew the laws and my daughter wouldn't be taken by CPS if I didn't have anyone to watch her while I was sick in hospital because I knew my docs and they let her stay or if not I had a village in Colorado.

Yes 2019-2020 all hell had broke loose and I paid the ultimate price in the end for that impulsive decision. Maybe if I had stayed my butt in Colorado my kidneys wouldn't have suffered or they wouldn't have gotten that bad because my docs would have caught it on time. Who knows? Can't go back we here now and I have to deal with the consequences.

Like I said when I moved to AZ I moved here with my daughter, my best friend (who is more like family to me, to the point my daughter calls her auntie mom and I introduce her to ppl as my cousin, but don't want to confuse y'all so she's bestie for this chapter), her husband and her kids. Our original housing fell through so we found ourselves living out our cars and in hotels when we could afford it. In order to afford hotels out here for as big a group we had, my bestie and I were working a hospital job as phlebotomists part time (3days a week) through a temp agency during the day and doing postmates deliveries at night from 7pm-6am and then on days I wasn't on at the hospital I was doing CNA caregiver work. Her husband worked as a mover and trained the kids in boxing to keep them active and their minds off our circumstances. The kids did online school so us parents had to factor in helping them with school while also trying to get rest here and there. All 3 adults were on Team No Sleep multiple days out the week. Me and my bestie look back and laugh reminiscing about times we would get off work and drive home sleep behind the wheel or parking the car at the red light sleep while cars honked at us and us telling them to drive around us lol. There was multiple times her husband would call us wondering where we were because we hadn't returned to hotel room before he left for work and she would tell him we were sleep in the car in parking lot. To say me and her were burnt out was an understatement and that was my first fuck up towards compromising my health. However, in my defense which really isn't because living with lupus since I was 13 I should know better I was in remission and my body felt normal so me going this hard I wasn't paying it no mind. I just knew we have to go hard to get us and the kids out this situation fast. The second fuck up came when I kept putting off getting all the doctors I needed in Arizona and getting established because I opted to sleep, work, whatever.

Eventually my besties brother told us to move into his two bedroom townhome. He said it will be cheaper than what we were doing and we would be able to save. All he asked is that we paid half rent and utilities, which with what we were making would have been a 1/3 of what we were spending on the hotel rooms a month and that was with us sleeping in our cars on the weekends because rooms were higher on the weekends. So we took him up on his offer and he said he would talk to his landlord. Things seemed to go smoothly for a time. I know what y'all were thinking with three adults and y'all hustling like that why weren't you able to get a place. Answer Pandemic it fucked up a lot of shit and we didn't Understand the why as we were thinking the same thing because it was the beginning of it Shit hadn't hit the fan yet. Also, I still had my house in Colorado to pay for mortgage, insurance, maintenance, etc. We had bills still. Fresh start don't mean bill free. The first two months we only had one car payment because my car was paid off then my dads Buick I inherited when he passed broke down and was not fixable. If the dodge caravan my bestie had was able to fit 8 ppl we would have worked it out but it wasn't so I wound up having to get another car and another car payment smh. So yea as you can see there was a reason I had to work 3 jobs 7 days a week and I was a single mom. Although my bestie made sure I never felt like that and treats my daughter like one of hers. So moving in with besties bro was a major help in helping us save and stack what we were blowing at the hotels. To the point I was able to give up one of my jobs lol. However, by that point the damage was done.

Now I should mention I had another cousin who had lived in Arizona for a long time 20 plus years I wanna say. She is actually the cousin my father named me after. Since my dad is dead my fave uncle, my second dad in Denver knew I was moving to AZ so he told me to reach out to her. When I did she had invited me to a Labor Day get together. I invited everyone I lived with to go and only me, the kids and my best friends brother went. Me being mean I thought it went without question that our circumstances was supposed to be kept under lock and key. My besties kids were all older and very private. My besties bro is a big believer of not telling other peoples business. My child on the other hand I should have known better, I should have known her 6 year old self didn't know better. I diluted myself in thinking the older kids will be with her so I don't need to worry about her saying anything. We went to Labor Day get together, swam, ate, My cousin Kim introduced to folks in Arizona so I can possibly make friends/acquaintances and I left none the wiser that my child had found time to run her mouth to a stranger none the less about our situation. Out of all the ppl she picked someone she had just met that day lol. Ale knows her very well now but when I look back on it I just shake my head like dang not family you run your mouth but a stranger. She's a little better about what she tells stranger now but like I said I was clueless because no one approached me to ask questions and the older kids hadn't told on Ale because they weren't present when this had went down. However, keep this scenario in mind it's important for later.

November 2019 I wound up having a mental breakdown. I started missing my ex during thanksgiving hating he was dead and coupled with the situation I found myself (we weren't homeless sleeping in our cars and hotels, but we still didn't have our own places) I attempted suicide. I was rushed to the hospital me and my bestie worked at and she was on shift that night. Her work night was interesting and the cat was out the bag with our co workers that we knew each other. They found out that night we were "family" and that we called each other cousin. We tried to keep it hidden just to see who the snakes were but after that night we couldn't hide it no more. She had to tell them she was my cousin in order to get information about my condition. After the 3 day hold and I was stable enough I was sent to a mental hospital and rehab center. I was there for about a month before I was released. When I got released I went back to work but a couple weeks later my bestie got fired and had to go back to doing postmates 24/7 till temp agency was able to find her another job. I on the other hand kept my job at the hospital despite missing days and being admitted after suicide attempt. Maybe if I had lost my job with my bestie I would have paid attention to my body and could have prevented where I find myself nor but I didn't. After all before I left Colorado I had seen all my established doctors for one finally time for check up and to tell them I was leaving. The nephrologist in Colorado said my kidneys were good and handn't leaked protein or anything in a long time. So is it any wonder when I ran out of all my meds when I moved and couldn't get refills I figured my kidneys would be fine and my lupus will chill since I've been in remission. All lupies use my story as a warning don't be like me learn from my story smh lol. This thinking coupled with the other two fuck ups was my third fuck up.

Around this time is when COVid started to really be taken seriously and shit was about to hit the fan. We were starting to feel the stress again. My bestie and her husband having lost their jobs and out of all the adults to lose their job they were the wrong two. At least if it had been me to get fired I would still have income coming in thanks to the house I rented out in Colorado and my dads pension I received when he died. However, they didn't have income coming in and had to resort to do postmates when they weren't training the kids or helping with homework. The final straw was my besties brother telling us his landlord wanted us out and that he was getting kicked out too Shit was getting real again. Just like that things had went from good to bad and we found ourselves homeless again and feeling bad we brought her bro into our predicament. However, he knew people so he was able to shack up with a relative but it was only extended to him. My bestie and her husband were getting ready to leave for a National Boxing competition and take the kids and again I was feeling lonely because I still had a job and knew I couldn't go with them without risking losing it. So I felt I was gonna be alone when they were gone. Around this time it was Christmas time and my cousin Kim not hearing from me during Thanksgiving and learning about the suicide attempt invited me to her house for Christmas to get presents she got me and my daughter. When I tell you that night higher powers were at work, I'm still thankful to this day God used my kid to snitch me out lol.

Me and my daughter went, hung out (the daughter of the stranger my daughter talked to at Labor Day was there), got presents and while I was in the bathroom again my daughter was running her mouth. When I returned from the bathroom and was getting ale ready to go my cousins husband pulls me aside to talk to me. By the end of the conversation I was crying and he was saying your going to get your stuff and you guys are sleeping here tonight and your staying here. Sufficed to say the cat was out the bag my daughter had snitched me out. Today if you were to tell her little girl that was supposed to be a secret she will shrug and say I'm just a kid I don't know how to keep secrets lol. And till this day I'm grateful because my health went left just as quickly as the world went to shit.

I left my daughter at their house, went to the hotel and packed our stuff, and came back to my cousin Kim's house and I'm still here during my ESRD diagnosis. My bestie and her family went to the boxing competition, after they briefly came back to AZ but decided to move onto California when nothing really panned out in AZ for the kids boxing careers or housing and jobs. I must say that move was the best thing they could have done for their family just like me moving in with my Cousin Kim and Byron was the best thing I did for my health cause I could be dead right now. They have kids Nationally ranked #1 and #2 in their weight classes in amateur boxing, they have sponsors and most importantly they have a house and are established.

Me making the move to stay in AZ and not follow them when they moved to Cali was the best thing for my health. My bestie doesn't hold it against me. We still there for each other, very much the mentality of if we got you got it type friendship, ride or die status. She holds no grudge about my decision. Which is good because the moment the pandemic officially hit and states were placed on lockdown mode my body started exhibiting signs of somethings wrong listen to it. Was experiencing water retention, body was swollen BAAAAAD, fatigue was really bad I was sleeping 24/7 it felt like and I'm use to fatigue because of my lupus, energy was low I was surviving on energy drinks on days I had to work, was barely eating or drinking fluids (my cousin Kim noted it), and at work I noticed I didn't take bathroom breaks. At one point I was scared I had covid because a lot of what we were learning my symptoms could be mistaken for covid. Hence why lupus is called the wolf disease. Lupus mimics a lot of other diseases and it's hard to diagnose because of this characteristic. Now that last sign you would think I would have taken myself to the hospital because that's not normal and anybody who's dealt with kidney situations knows that's a MAJOR RED FLAG. However, I was raised by a single black father who worked two jobs, went to trade school and raised me and my little bro. We got Philly roots so the hustle is ingrained in me. So health issues or not I was ignoring my body. My cousin Kim was the one to tell me to finally go to the hospital. Since it was the pandemic and we were on lockdown I had to take myself.

I had known from a prior experience that my daughter wouldn't have been able to come with me because if I had to be admitted and no one could get her (even if it wasn't a pandemic) they would call CPS to keep my child till I was discharged. Remember that stranger that Ale talked to at Labor Day and told we were homeless and no one knew, her daughter was there that Christmas my cousin Byron told me I was living with them and that was that; had actually came to the hospital got my daughter and kept her for me while I was in the hospital because my cousins were out of state. That week I was away my daughter became real familiar with them and they were no longer strangers after that they were and are family. So from that prior experience I had about a month after I had moved into my cousins house (March 2020), which wound up resulting in a primary and reumatologist doctor care being established 7months later after I originally moved to Arizona I already knew the rules. It was the April 2020 hospital admittance where I wound up losing my job as a phlebotomist at the hospital me and my bestie had worked at together for missing too many work days even though they were excused, which was a God send. The temp agency got me another job at a lab sorting and logging in the COvid tests (go figure right). It was at this job I was working when my cousin told me to go get checked out and she forced me to listen to my body. July 2020 I went in and was in for two weeks. Diagnosis Lupus attacked kidneys and I was AKI (acute kidney injury) hence why all those symptoms I was ignoring trying to be G and work through it were warning signs I should have taken seriously. More to the point were things my reumatologist should have told me to come in and be seen sooner. However, with covid my appt with her before this hospital stay had been a video call and she couldn't see the bigger picture fully. I spent my 32nd bday in the hospital on dialysis, alone and no visitors because it was Pandemic and we were on lockdown. This was the beginning...