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90 Days to 40

Filling Up on Love

By Zakiyah BradfordPublished 4 months ago 3 min read
90 Days to 40
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

This is my story as I approach my 40th birthday. We are exactly 90 days away and I have so much to prepare for entering a new decade of my life.

First, let's look at what it means to turn 40 years old. I'm a single woman. In the olden days, I would absolutely be considered a spinster and thrown into a convent. The irony of it all, I'm even too old at this point to join the convent! It's true. The oldest a woman can be is 39 to start the journey toward becoming a nun. Even the church doesn't have a place for women my age.

There has to be some benefit to turning 40. I will certainly be wiser than I was entering into my 30s. This decade has been quite a bit of fun and I've learned so much about myself and about the world. In sum, things are usually nothing like they seem. People are so complex yet so simple. The moment you think you've got it all figured out, there is a shift and you're back at square one trying to figure it all out again. So, as I arrive at 40, I just stopped trying to figure any of it out. There is wisdom and freedom in giving up the idea that you know everything. Then, the next level is when you give up the idea that you ever could know everything. The next level after that is appreciating the small slice of knowledge that you do have and using it to make your own unique footprint in history. Some foot prints will be huge. Some will be small. I'm walking into this next decade knowing that 've got a footprint to leave and it will be magnificent.

I always thought that my footprint would be the family that I built. My husband and I would have the most loving, intimate, connected marriage. Together, we'd raise the brightest, most beautiful, kindest children. Alas, none of that picture has been painted. Of course, I am filled with fear that it may not happen for me. I'm not even sure how it would look at this point. I don't think any girl grows up envisioning marriage and kids in her mid-40s. Here I am facing that exact possibility. Nonetheless, I am grateful for even the possibility. I thought I'd find love earlier in my life (believe me, I've put in plenty of effort on that front). I thought I'd have children by now. I am making peace these next few months with the fact that none of it happened in my 30s. My story is different for sure.

I'm planning to embrace this unique story of mine. After all, it's mine and it's the only one I've got. I might as well live it! So far in life, I have done a great job at living my best life. I'm an attorney, an actress, a writer, a producer, a singer, and a dancer. I'm a world traveler. What else does a girl need except love?!

That's the thing ladies and gentlemen! I'm missing the love. I've even discovered these last couple of years how much love for self is even missing in my life. So that is my theme for the next 90 days: incorporating every single morsel of love into my everyday life. To be honest, now is the time for it. I'm recently a bit heartbroken so I am open to all the love I can get. For the next 90 days, I will focus exclusively on the love I find every day.

Today, I got a random text from one of my brothers. Completely out of the blue, he texted me that he wished I were home. Background - I live over 3,000 miles from the city in which I grew up and where the majority of my family still lives. It was nice to know that I am thought of sometimes by my family at home. I'm grateful for the revelation. Let's see what ounces of love I can collect tomorrow.

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About the Creator

Zakiyah Bradford

Creative writer of real events. Exploring real human experiences with faith, love, trust, patience, failures, heartaches, and the like.

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