A friend of mine had her first experience in the swinging lifestyle last night. She and her husband had just started to dip their toes into the lifestyle and, unexpectedly, her husband had to be away for three weeks for work. They had decided that this would simply delay their first experiences. Then something a little unexpected happened.
She had been leading their online searching, and had been texting back and forth with a few couples and a couple of single guys. As they had discussed this, the ideal scenario for them was either a foursome with another couple, or a threesome with another guy.
As her husband was away, she and one of the single guys started texting quite regularly. Her husband was ok with this, so they texted quite a lot — starting just getting to know one another and then getting pretty explicit and sexy. They would send each other sexy pictures and masturbate as they chatted. Again, all with her husband’s enthusiastic consent.
After about a week of this, her husband suggested that they might want to play together while he was away. He said that it would actually turn him on a bit and would give her something to look forward to on the weekend.
She threw the idea out and, not surprisingly, the other guy — single and horny — was super keen to do it. They planned to meet the following Saturday — last night. She texted me a few times over the course of the afternoon, saying she was both excited and nervous. I said all of that made total sense. But she also said a couple of times “I’m not sure if this is my thing”. I thought that was a little more than just nerves, but she had made up her mind to go ahead with it.
Personally, and I didn’t get the chance to tell her this before she planned this, I was pretty unsure whether this was a right ‘first experience’ for someone just getting into the lifestyle. For most couples in the lifestyle, I feel that first experiences are better done as a couple. The lifestyle can be tricky and I find the ‘baby steps’ approach is better — starting with always being together and maybe soft swap. You get to see what you like and how you handle things like jealousy in a more gentle environment. And, from there, you can decide where you want to take it.
But, she was committed. It wasn’t exactly what she thought her first experience would be, but she was excited to be with this new guy. So, off she went.
I heard from her late last night after I was in bed. A simple message — “playing alone is not my thing”. I worried that it had been a disaster. I texted her in the morning asking how she was and for more details.
She said it was actually pretty good but simply not her thing. She said the sex was great. They had a good rapport, and he was a great guy and super considerate. He arrived at about 8 o’clock, they had a drink, and then sex. It was really great.
But then — for her — it got weird. Once they finished having sex, he cuddled up next to her in her bed. She immediately knew she wasn't liking this. It felt very intimate and couple-like. He seemed to want to curl up and go to sleep. And this was definitely not what she wanted. She made up an excuse to get them out of bed and kind of rushed the evening to an end.
He left gracefully. It was simply a miscommunication of expectations. But it left her with a bit of a bad taste in her mouth. And it sullied the experience. She knew he didn’t do anything wrong, but it did make her realize that she wasn’t clear enough in saying what she wanted. And this is the tricky thing about moving into such an advanced swinging scenario so early — she probably didn't know what she wanted going into the evening. She knew she wanted to have sex with him, but she hadn't thought through all those sex-adjacent things like chatting, cuddling afterward, sleeping together.
The guy told her later that he thought he was being invited to spend the night with her because her husband was away. She certainly had not intended that, but when she looked back on it she totally could see why he would have felt that way.
As I chatted with her this morning, it was good to see it had not deterred her (and her husband — we text on a group chat) from wanting to continue to explore the lifestyle. But she now knows she wants her next experience to include her husband.