Learning to Be Selective

I know I’ve been showing my snarky side a lot. It’s certainly a part of me that I feel comfortable letting loose a little bit here. Not only is this space akin to a private journal, but I find snark to be a bit more entertaining for my “readership” so to speak. Okay, I know I only have like 20 followers, but who knows? Maybe one day I’ll get a book deal out of this bitch! Humor & being a bit over-the-top has always been a means of surviving and fighting through challenges and hurt in my life. BUT – BUT – BUT – I’m actually a really nice person. I have long held the belief that when it comes to dating and people in general that everyone deserves a chance beyond first impressions. I know that sometimes folks have off days, but I also recognize intrinsic value in people. Maybe you’re a janitor, overweight, scarred, damaged, have a lisp or even an illness or disability – this shouldn’t define you as a person. People have lots of experiences and circumstances that bring them to different places in their life and I may not want to walk a mile in their shoes, but I’ll usually give them a shot and see what they’re about. I believe in being kind – at least until I have reason to tell you to fuck off.

This has been a bit difficult to manage in the online dating world. A lifetime of focusing on the needs & wants of other people has trained me to let go of things pretty quickly – even if they bother me. I also have a hard time saying no. I’m learning to do it, but early in my online dating experience I wasn’t great at it. I mean, online dating is an interesting thing – you read someone’s profile, you have mutual interests and attraction, you message, you decide to meet, and you have hope about what might happen next. There’s a big build up with lots of expectation. If you meet and you don’t hit it off…how do you say that? It’s a tough one.

Here’s a real story about how I wimped out on saying no and wasn’t as honest as I should likely have been. It’s one of those situations where I ignored all the little things that I wasn’t so thrilled about and continued an interaction with someone just because he was reasonably nice and articulate. Eventually all the little things that I was willing to be flexible and open-minded about piled up to be an overwhelming load of “oh God, no.”

So, Toothless was one of the first people from Plenty of Fish that I gave my phone number to. It was still early days for me with the online dating scene. I was still looking for a booty call and getting a sense of who and what was out there that was interested in me. I hadn’t quite mastered saying no, being firm & direct and, perhaps most importantly, ignoring people that I really wasn’t interested in. I really was trying to give everyone a fair shot. This guy was complimentary, articulate, could spell and carry a messaging dialogue. He wasn’t my physical type – a little too scrawny & angular, a bit rough around the edges. Proximity-wise he was a bit further than I wanted. Oh, yeah…and he loved country music and NASCAR. Ick. But c’mon, I love football and opera. I don’t expect my potential partners and I to be exactly alike. I wouldn’t blow someone off because they liked hip-hop and hockey, would I? (Golf, maybe – not hockey.) I was trying not to be elitist or to make generalizations involving Wal-mart and cousin fucking.

After we had messaged for a while, we finally exchanged numbers. Right away he asked me to send him some pictures for his phone avatar of me. Okay, I did that. He said I was beautiful. I’m willing to overlook the fact that he’s a seasonal landscaper who’s not actually working in August, which tends to be landscaping season. Riiiight? The little negatives are piling up and yet…he’s nice. And we’ve been talking for a bit, and have been discussing getting together for a drink.

After the picture exchange, however, I received a long text from Toothless giving me a list of other caveats. He “just wanted to be honest” and let me know that he is currently living in his mom’s basement, that he smokes – but only Marlboros, and that he doesn’t have any teeth. He understands if this is a problem for me. He just wanted to be honest. I feel that it's important to mention that none of these facts were included in his dating profile - not even the smoking.

Now, here’s the thing. Part of me was laughing because I know that this will one day be a fantastic story to tell. However, there was a big part of me that felt really guilty – like if I rejected him now – for living in his mom’s basement and having no teeth (or job, or money to meet me for a drink, or taste in music,) then I was an asshole. Looking back, I realize that I was manipulated. He could have been a lot more honest in his dating profile to begin with. I was experiencing guilt as if I had been leading him on, when in fact, to an extent, the opposite was true.

This is something that I would be likely have handled much better now, but back then – 7 months ago – I felt like I owed him courtesy and respect and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. So, I did something sort of crazy. I wrote him a message telling him all about what was wrong with me that made us a bad match. I may have been a little bit tipsy. I may have gone slightly over the top.

Basically, I thanked him for his honesty and said that I was honored by it and also compelled to be honest myself. I hate NASCAR. Not only do I hate NASCAR, but I am also personally offended by it because of its devastating environmental effects, the misogyny, the wastefulness. It’s also not a sport. I explained that I feel very strongly about the environment, politics, gay marriage, Obama. I almost made my POF handle “Obama2012” but thought it might get dated. (Ignore the pun.) I am so liberal that I am really a Socialist. I mean, for God’s sake, I drive a Prius.

Also, country music sounds like cats fucking – cats that are related.

I took it way over the top. I wanted him to run screaming. His response? “I just wanted FWB.” He persisted in asking if we could be friends with benefits. No, dude. We have nothing in common – starting with the fact that you live in your mom’s basement and have no teeth.

He persisted for months. I mostly ignored him, but it felt really rude. The mistake I made was being kind and responding one day when he asked if we could get together. I politely declined and he called me a "tease" saying that I had led him on those 4 months prior. Screw that. I had given him a shot – he had been misleading and wasn’t actually interested in meeting me except to have sex (presumably in his mom’s basement.) I truly didn’t owe him anything just because we had had a few conversations. I still had the right to say no, thank you!

I was honestly glad that he called me a tease because it gave me leave to blow him off guilt-free. I basically said “yep, that’s exactly it. You’re right. You win. Fuck off.”

He messaged me again about 10 days ago asking why I wouldn’t talk to him.

Jeez. It doesn’t pay to be nice. Be honest. Be bold. Be selective. Be mean if they don’t take no for an answer.

I’m still working on it.

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