Kink is not a popularity contest.
Authenticity is more important.
This writing was inspired by a photo that I saw on FetLife. A sub showed a picture of a coffee pot and two coffees. The caption started off by saying that “this will be unpopular to the masses”. One of the things that this sub does is serve her partner coffee when requested. When did kink get so silly that we have to label a service that we do as unpopular because you think it’s not what the masses would like? That is so sad to me. My Mistress loves coffee and I serve her coffee from my knees on the regular. I also negotiated that if we ever add another submissive to our dynamic that serving coffee is mine. It’s that important to me and us. I could care less about what other people think of it because it’s very important to us.
I have been in the kink lifestyle for over 15 years now. I have learned so many lessons in that time. It’s just recently that I have really started to look at kink more from a personal level than from how everyone else does kink. It’s very natural to come into kink and do what everyone else does. You have no idea really and that’s how a lot of us learn. You watch others and you do what they do. This is very important from a safety standpoint. What we do is inherently dangerous. We must learn how to mitigate the danger by doing things in a way that is as safe as possible. Beyond that, what I see is a bit disturbing these days. I see people thinking that the only way to experience kink is exactly how everyone else experiences it. There is a very large herd mentality out there. Again, I think that’s fine for someone new but once you are past that you should feel free to explore to your heart's content.
I remember early on in my kink life hearing the word “slave” and not understanding how anyone could give up all of their power and control over their lives. I just couldn’t see it. It seemed so extreme that it was almost laughable. But here I am now a slave to my Mistress. It should be noted that being her slave was my choice. She was completely fine with me just being her submissive. So why did I choose to be a slave? This was not a decision that I made overnight. My Mistress has always asked me for one thing over all others. I am asked to be authentic. Seems easy right? You’d be wrong if you thought that. To be authentic takes a long hard look at yourself and your life. We are brought up in society to blend in. Don’t make waves. Don’t draw extra attention to ourselves. This leaves so many people in our society not being true to themselves. I can say that at this point I am doing everything in my power to be true to myself.
In order to get to a place of authenticity, I had to do a lot of deep thinking. I had to be completely honest with myself. It couldn’t be about what my Mistress liked. I had to figure out what makes me tick. What turns me on? What makes me feel natural. In my case, I already have done some of this in my life by coming out as transgender and living that truth. In my kink life, I had not really done that. So, when I started to really think about what my truth was in my kink life I started to understand that my kink life and real life are so intertwined that they, in essence, have become one. If you knew me in my vanilla life you would see that I need some control there. I like routine and calm. I don’t like feeling out of control and change takes time for me to adjust to. In my kink life, I like routine too but I don’t want that control. In fact, in my life in general outside of work and the things that I have to do I don’t like that control. So, I started to look at what that meant to me.
I have had some long term relationships that started off great but they all went down in flames eventually. I needed to understand why. There were a few reasons but in the end, I discovered was that I felt unfulfilled because as a submissive I had safe words. I had the power to say no. That was ok at first but after a while, I started to long for that power to be taken away. The people that I was with at the time didn’t really want that so I started to struggle and the relationship eventually ended. At the time I had no clue what happened and it always happened in about the same time frame. WTF? How is this happening?
I love my Mistress more than anyone in my life. She has never pressured me to do anything. We communicate better than I have with anyone else or seen anyone else communicate. We have had rough patches but that communication allowed us to work through things without anger and resentment coming into it. Because of that communication, I realized that the problem wasn’t “us”. The problem was “me”. I needed to stop looking at what everyone else was doing and being mad because I didn’t like the way that they were doing it and find my own way. What did I want? What makes me happy? What are my needs?
I am not going to get into details about the things that we do and have discussed doing but I can give you an idea what that means to us and might look like to you. I have negotiated and Mistress has accepted that I am her slave. I don’t even wear a collar. That has totally different meanings to us. I am her slave though. I am not allowed to say no. What she wants, she gets. That is exactly what I needed. I am so submissive that I want her to get what she wants and deserves. It is up to me to give it to her whether I want to or not. Sometimes I don’t want to but I have to put my feelings aside and be the slave that I am. That causes me to grow a little bit every time. That is a very good thing. She is in charge. My place is at her feet and to make her happy. I get great joy from that. It is symbiosis at its best.
But what about play? This is where things get very interesting. Mistress and I have some pretty deep and dark desires together. In fact, we refer to it as “our darkness”. I have always gone to a place in my head when being beaten of “take it for them”. That helps me to process it and feeds the slave in me. I don’t want to play to fulfill my needs. I want to play to fulfill her needs. I trust her enough that my needs will be met but met on her terms when she decides. So what is the “darkness”? Well, I won’t give you specifics but it definitely involves her being a sadist and me wanting to suffer too for her. It definitely has some taboo aspects to it. Some things are not for everyone and we know that. However, we don’t care what others do. We are doing what works for us. We are fulfilling our desires together in a relationship that includes great communication and above all an honest look at ourselves.
If you can do this and admit the harder things that you have never said out loud I feel like you will be a happier person. I believe that as a lifestyle we must stop trying to fit in and just take a deep long look at ourselves and start admiring what our real desires are and how we do it. If someone tells you something is unsafe they need to understand that kink is inherently not safe. I’m not telling you to do something that could permanently harm you. Use your head here. Take as many precautions as you can. Do your research and talk to your partner. But in the end, decide what is best for you.