It is With Much Regret That I Must Inform You I Cannot Accept the Position of Your Boyfriend

Author's note: This piece was originally published on another website, from which I have since been permanently banned, as a satirical response to a (semi) humorous piece by the writer Lizzie Logan on that same site. The link to the original post is here and I highly encourage you to read that first as it helps to frame my response in the appropriate light. I happened to stumble across it in my archives, and despite being five years old now I think it still holds up fairly well though, ultimately, I guess that is for you, the reader, to decide. In any event. Enjoy!

Dear Miss Logan,

After careful consideration and a thorough review of your offer I must inform you that I cannot accept the promotion to the position of Lizzie’s boyfriend. The 4.5 weeks of freelance work as an occasional hookup, friend with benefits, or whatever was rewarding, and no doubt I could handle the increased responsibility within the company, but I am just not ready for the longer required work hours. Though I was flattered to be considered for the role, that, along with a number of related sticking points which I have listed below led me to ultimately reject your offer.

Sorry ‘bout that!

Specifically I can not be available nights and weekends, and the rules regarding phone communication are much too strict.

I will not be able to attend the semi-annual company retreat at your mother’s house though it sounds lovely.

The main sticking point for me was the baseline sexual compensation. I simply could not accept the increased responsibilities inherent in this position without at least some increase. Given how low my starting sexual compensation level was, and how long it has taken to reach even the meager level I am at currently it simply makes no sense from a cost benefit analysis for me. I understand the company offers a highly competitive incentive-based bonus program, whereby you can earn additional sexual favors through exemplary performance at tasks like being charming at brunch, patiently taking multiple photos for use on Instagram, and participating in a couples Halloween costume, which will probably be Buffy and Angel. However, each of those things are gay, and I am not, therefore the incentive based system was not a significant factor in my ultimate decision. Moreover, the less said about the so called executive perks the better. Kisses, spooning, meeting your friends, etc. in most relationships are part of the base contract and bundling them with the promotion was not a value add in my view.

Finally, I might be able to overlook the above listed deficiencies in the offer were it not for the strict Condom Every Time policy. There are too many other women out there who will do me without forcing me to straightjacket my johnson every time because they go a little nutso when they take a birth control pill.

If the CEO is not interested in bringing an IUD into her workplace that is her perogative. However, I would note that there are a wide variety of birth control options available. These include chemical/hormonal (i.e. the pill) in different delivery formats, dosages, and hormonal combinations, and a host of alternative devices that could be explored. If the CEO would simply talk to her doctor, she might be able to experiment with various options until she found one that was acceptable. The fact that she was not willing to do this spoke volumes as to her seriousness in this matter and ultimately led to my rejection of the offer.

So please just talk to your doctor!

The fact that formal and informal performance reviews may occur at any time, without prior notice and at your sole discretion was yet another negative.

I was fine with the non-compete clause as it is considered industry standard. The husband track is also of interest but I will be looking elsewhere for that, specifically I will be seeking a position with a significantly higher baseline level of sexual compensation.

Best,

Just some guy