How to Ask Your Partner for the Sex You Really Want

If there’s something specific, you’re afraid to ask your partner for in bed, you’re far from alone. Even very confident, sex-positive people sometimes feel that way, and it’s not hard to understand why. A person’s fantasies and turn-ons are very personal and private. Even if you have a wonderful, supportive partner, the fear of being judged for what you’re into sexually can be very real. So is the fear that the person might think you’re unhappy with the sex you’re already having.

However, as scary as it can be to approach a partner and tell them about a specific kind of sex you’d like to try, it’s well worth it. Sharing and exploring your fantasies and turn-ons with your partner helps build intimacy and trust. And, of course, there’s the high likelihood that you’ll both have an incredible time. Here’s a closer look at how to overcome your fears and finally ask for what you want.

Make sure you’re in the know first.

How new are you to whatever you’re looking to try? If you’ve already done it before in some capacity, you can skip this step. But if it’s something you’ve personally never experienced, the first order of business is to do some research. Not only is it a good idea to have a clear idea of what to expect, but you’ll want to be able to answer any questions your partner might have for you.

Thankfully, the digital age makes it super easy to educate yourself on pretty much any topic, so go ahead and let your fingers do the walking. Check out videos, read articles, or visit sex blogs for a solid idea of what you’re interested in. You may even want to bookmark a few options to send to your partner later or go over together as a couple.

Think about your approach.

If you’re comfortable simply sitting your partner down and telling them outright that you’re interested in experimenting with X-activity in the bedroom, then definitely do that. But it’s perfectly okay if you’re more uncertain than that. The key is to decide on an approach that will feel non-threatening both to your partner and you.

A super light hearted approach can work wonders. Try casually bringing up the topic for discussion by saying you saw it in a movie or heard about it from a “friend” and see how your partner reacts. Many people also find it easier to bring up sexual topics during pillow talk or post-coital cuddling, too, so that’s also an option.

Set a deadline for yourself.

Sometimes deciding on an approach and even knowing what you want to say to your partner isn’t the problem. Sometimes a person can have all of that figured out but still wind up chickening out at the last minute or putting off the conversation indefinitely for reasons they might not understand. If that sounds like you, a deadline might be the key to moving things forward.

Decide precisely what day you’re going to talk to your partner, and then stick to it. And if they agree to what you asked for, do the same thing with the actual day you try it together for the first time. Don’t just assume it will happen on its own some random night, because it probably won’t. Actual plans help solidify things and allow both people to prepare themselves. Plus, it can be really fun to look forward to something new together.

Communicate both during and after.

When the big night finally arrives, make sure you keep the lines of communication open the entire time. Keep in mind that you’re trying something brand new to both of you, so reassurance is key. Make sure your partner knows you like what they’re doing by telling them so or making non-verbal sounds that get your point across.

And if you’re not sure whether they’re into it, you can ask how something feels, whether they like it, and so forth. Check in with one another after, too. Did you both enjoy the experience? How would each of you feel about doing it again? Is there anything you’d like to do differently next time?

Keep exploring together.

Once the lines of sexual communication are open between you and your partner, the hard part is over with. Now you both get to enjoy the fun that comes with continuing to explore and experiment together. For instance, you can encourage your partner to share fantasies and turn-ons of their own for you to try together.

You may also want to consider signing up for a sexy subscription box from a service like Seductive Pleasure to keep the good vibes going. It’s a great way to expose yourself to exciting new experiences and products you’re both sure to like without breaking the bank in the process. So why not get started today? It just might be the game-changer you’ve both been looking for.