Kraft Dinner Always

It was just another boring hump day, until...I logged into Vocal and checked for new contests. To my utter surprise, I was greeted by this:

VOCAL HAS A CONTEST ABOUT MAC N' CHEESE....

Omg, we get boxes simply for entering?! Heck, I can't cook well enough to win a dang prize, but if it's one thing Canadians know it's good mac n' cheese. I'll write about popsicles. Why not. Just to get the boxes.

Oh wait.... US residents only. Sigh.

I glance over to my pantry. The KD boxes mock me.

"Mwuahaha, did you really think you could replace us, silly human??"

I sigh again.

"You're right. No one could replace your fluorescent orange goodness. Forgive me, dear one."

*

Canadians and Kraft Dinner are symbiotic. Over the years, my foreign friends have asked me, why?? Followed by the inevitable...can ya smuggle me a box? Shhh....

I can't really explain it, honestly. But it's unique. More than that it's cheap. You can even buy it by the case:

It's also filling, salty, and hella tasty. And, I mean, you can dress it up SO many ways:

• tuna
• hotdogs
• mixed veg

You can have it white or neon. (Neon preferrable). With special shapes, or the traditional straight and thin noodles. And who amongst true patriots hasn't asked someone at brunch the morning after,

"How do you take your KD? Creamy or on the soupy side?"

Anyone who insists only creamy doesn't know what they are talking about.

It's iconic. Right up there with the double-double and a honey crueller, ketchup chips, Nanaimo bars, poutine, buttertarts, bannock, beavertails (it's a dessert, folks), maple syrup, fiddleheads, Kinder Eggs and moose-meat stew.

It's made it into song, and we all know the lyrics:

"If I had a million dollars

(We wouldn’t have to walk to the store)

If I had a million dollars

(We’d take a Limousine ’cause it costs more)

If I had a million dollars

(We wouldn’t have to eat Kraft dinner)

[Post-Chorus 2]

But we would eat Kraft dinner

(Of course we would, we’d just eat more)

And buy really expensive ketchups with it

(That’s right, all the fanciest - Dijon ketchups)"

- Barenaked Ladies, "If I Had a Million Dollars"

Once, I tried explaining the fantastical amazingness of KD to my co-founder, James U. Rizzi, and he didn't believe me it was unique 'til I sent the photo. So, here it is:

*

Even my cats are spellbound by the delicious, tangy-aroma of boxed, powdered chez.

To be honest, CAMP sounds like it might be more nutritious and better for the planet. But like...hmmm, can you really sway me from my true patriot love? I dunno. And clearly, there is no hope of an attempted coup since the boxes are beyond my grasp.

The KD snickers from the kitchen,

"Don't be a fool!"

I take a step towards the boxes. Before I know it, I'm digging out the butter, milk and pot. Then I'm boiling up a fury, and stirring continuously because we all know that whether it's KD or not, it'll turn to a gucky, baked on mess if you don't. (Seriously, who needs superglue when you can use pasta stuck to the bottom of a pot?)

Then it's time to dump in the neon powder of joy. Add your milk and butter, by the heap (if you're gonna eat KD, don't skimp on the calories). Sit down on your chesterfield and squeeze on your Ketchup.

Don't forget to support Canadians by using French's instead of...that other brand.

And enjoy.

About the Author:

Les lives a quiet life in Canada with her three rescue cats. She primarily writes children's and teen fiction but will delve into anything that gets the swirling words out of her brain. Her first book, Owl in a Towel, is available for purchase here. Publishing inquiries may be directed to [email protected].