married
The most important four words for a successful marriage: 'I'll do the dishes.'
I’ll Be Happy When I’m Married to the Right Person
If you’ve been in a marriage or committed relationship for some length of time, you may be experiencing something that you are reluctant to share even with your closest family and friends—boredom. Although this may seem like a paltry or self-indulgent problem, it can begin with petty misgivings and complaints and ultimately snowball into dissatisfactions and breakup daydreams that plague you and poison your relationship. Your first instinct may be to end the marriage, but you don’t know whether you should or how to go about it. Instead, you may be hurting, consumed with guilt, ruminating about your feelings, making excuses, and oscillating between paralysis and panic. Before you take a single step, it’s critical to consider the happiness myth that is likely driving those first instincts. This is the assumption that “I’ll be happy when . . . I’m married to the right person.” You may have devoted a great deal of time, energy, and consideration to finding a fitting or ideal partner, and you applied yourself to caring for your marriage. Yet despite your efforts and good fortune, you are now beginning to realize that your marriage is not giving you the satisfaction that you thought it would or that it once had. This is a determining moment, as it calls for you to understand whether your expectations are realistic and whether you are asking too much of your marriage. even the happiest marriages cannot maintain their initial satisfaction level, and only with a great deal of energy and commitment can you approach that initial level. This article is about the choices and insights available if you find yourself in a marriage or long-term relationship that has ceased to satisfy you. You can continue to be tormented by your thoughts and hope that they will fade with time, or you can strive to understand their source and act to resolve or attenuate them. The approaches I describe teach you and your partner how to reinvest in your relationship. After all, the promise of new, fulfilling, positive directions is at stake. As I mentioned earlier, one of my primary scientific interests is in the area of hedonic adaptation—namely, the fact that human beings have the remarkable capacity to grow habituated or inured to most life changes. A hot topic today in the fields of psychology and economics, hedonic adaptation explains why both the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat abate with time. What is particularly fascinating about this phenomenon, however, is that it is most pronounced concerning positive experiences. Indeed, it turns out that we are prone to take for granted pretty much everything positive that happens to us. When we move into a beautiful new loft with a grand view, when we partake of plastic surgery, when we purchase a fancy new automobile or nth-generation smartphone, when we earn the corner office and a raise at work, when we become immersed in a new hobby, and even when we wed, we obtain an immediate boost of happiness from the improved situation; but the thrill only lasts for a short time. Over the coming days, weeks, and months, we find our expectations ramping upward and we begin taking our new improved circumstances for granted. We are left with “felicific stagnation.” The most famous study exploring this issue, however, found that although the average person picks up a sizable boost in happiness when he or she gets married, this boost only lasts about two years, after which the former newlywed reverts back to his or her happiness level before the engagement. When you were newly in love, you probably could be happy while being stuck in traffic or getting your teeth cleaned. But this phase didn’t last very long. So, if you find yourself less euphoric and less amorous than at the beginning of your relationship, you are experiencing what most other humans have experienced before you, and any friends of yours who claim otherwise (with rare exceptions) are probably lying to you or themselves. Marital bliss, like new job bliss or new car bliss, is highly prone to hedonic adaptation, but infatuation, passion, and electric attraction carry the added liability of having an even shorter half-life. When we first fall in love, if we are lucky, we experience what researchers call passionate love, but over the years, this type of love usually turns into compassionate love. Passionate love is a state of intense longing, desire, and attraction, whereas companionate love is composed more of deep affection, connection, and liking. If you are wondering what kind of love you are experiencing now—or had in the past—judge the extent to which you agree with statements like the ones below. For passionate love: I find it hard to work because I’m always thinking about my partner. I am so involved with my partner that I could not even be slightly interested in someone else. I am afraid that my partner might reject me. For companionate love: My partner is one of the most likable people I know. My partner is the sort of person that I would like to be. I have great confidence in my partner’s good judgment. There are evolutionary, physiological, and practical reasons why passionate love cannot endure for very long. I hazard that if we continued to obsess about our partners and have sex multiple times a day—every day—we would not be very productive at work or attentive to our children, our friends, or our health. To quote a line from the 2004 film Before Sunset, about two former lovers who chance to meet again after a decade, if passion did not fade, “We would end up doing nothing at all with our lives.” Indeed, being madly in love shares some key characteristics with addiction and narcissism, and if unabated, would eventually take its toll. In any event, the heightened passion and chemical attraction evident at the beginning of a love affair have been found to fade to neutral in a couple of years, after the love affair turns into a solid, committed relationship or marriage. Furthermore, this shift in feelings is often accompanied by a decline in overall satisfaction, as the fun and leisure typical of the honeymoon phase turn to domestic drudgery, and as partners stop being on their best behavior and relax their efforts to be constantly responsive and considerate toward each other. Fortunately, as evolutionary psychologists might tell it, both passionate and companionate love is essential for human beings to survive and reproduce. While passionate love is necessary to galvanize us to pair up and direct all our energies into building a new relationship, companionate love appears to be critical for nourishing a committed, stable partnership long enough to reproduce our genes (i.e., have children) and ensure they survive and flow. It should be said that both types of love bring their unique brand of happiness—one more exciting, perhaps, and the other more meaningful.
By Obajuwon Israel4 years ago in Families
The Best Chaotic Day
I had just turned 18 when I met my husband, and we were wed right before I turned 20. Both of us were very young. He was 20 when we got married and later that year, he turned 21. Despite our ages, we thought we were ready to get married. And at the time it seemed right. I ended up getting pregnant and he wanted to do things right and get married before she was born. I did not really want that, if I'm being honest. I had always thought of having a big wedding, the white dress, and all of our friends and family. I really did not want to get married at 38 weeks pregnant (which did happen).
By Rebecca Moore4 years ago in Families
He Dumped His Family After Housing A Ukrainian Refugee Lady For 10 Days
This happened in a UK family of four where the husband walked out of their eight years of relationship. The husband is a twenty-nine-year-old working as a security guard and the wife is a twenty-eight-year-old raising two kids aged six and three respectively.
By Life Lesson4 years ago in Families
In this life, a wife is enough
In this life, a wife is enough It's true that there are misfortunes in heaven and fortune in man. My wife was about to go to the hospital when she heard that her left foot was hurt. She told her that she was going to the hospital for the next three days. She was in a hurry. I hurriedly asked the leader for leave and took a taxi to the central hospital.
By jenkinssb38 huionasertu4 years ago in Families
My Life as a Mom right out of High School and Military Wife
As we traveled from Pennsylvania to North Carolina with our daughter, we had vast emotions. I remember the excitement of all the newness. The surroundings, the freedom to be on our own. But also the fear, the fear of being on our own. My husband is 20 at the time and I’m 19. Just 2 years ago I would have never guessed I’d have a baby, get married, and be owning a home right out of high school. It almost seems a fairytale.
By Kalista Tamborski4 years ago in Families
Marriage and Family Counseling (Will Marriage Counseling Save My Marriage)
Every single day thousands of unhappy couples seek the services of a professional marriage counselor at the rate of $100 or more per hour in the hopes of saving their marriage. That statistic indicates that saving a marriage is pretty important to a lot of couples. But does marriage counseling work at saving a marriage or is it $100 per hour down the drain?
By Melody Khloe4 years ago in Families
Top 10 Relationship Advice From Over 2500 Happily Married Couples
I think a lot of newlyweds do this—ask for relationship advice, I mean, not shit the same bed—especially after a few cocktails from the open bar they just paid for. But then I figured that with access to hundreds of thousands of smart, amazing people through my website, I could go one step further. Why not consult my readers? Why not ask them for their best relationship/marriage advice? Why not synthesize all of their wisdom and experience into something straightforward and applicable to any relationship, no matter who you are? This is what I asked: anyone who has been married for 10+ years, and is still happy in their relationship . . . what lessons would you pass down to others if you could? What is working for you and your partner? Also, to people who are divorced, what didn’t work previously? The response was overwhelming. Almost 2,500 people got back to me, many of whom sent replies measured in pages, not paragraphs. It took weeks to comb through them all, but what I found stunned me. For a start, they were all incredibly repetitive. That’s not an insult—actually, it’s the opposite, not to mention, a relief. The answers came from smart and well-spoken people from all walks of life, from around the world, each with their own histories, tragedies, mistakes, and triumphs . . . and yet they were all saying pretty much the same dozen things. Which means that those dozen or so things must be pretty damn important . . . and they work: 1. Always assume the best. Whether or not you're an optimist, chances are, you find something personal in your S.O.’s actions when they disappoint you. It’s natural because, well, relationships are personal. But 9 out of 10 times (if not all 10), your person has no intention of upsetting you. “Especially when we’re already in an irritated state, we have a hair trigger for taking things the wrong way and assuming the worst,” says Gillihan. (And yet when our partner feels personally offended or attacked by something you do, you’re probably annoyed that they don’t just let you off the hook.) But keep in mind that “so many of our reactions are based on how we feel about ourselves, versus how someone else feels about us,” as Gillihan explains. So try this: In the morning, tell yourself, Today, I’m going to choose the most benign interpretation for whatever comes my way. “This mentality gives you the freedom to get over yourself”—and can set an example for your significant other to do the same, he says. The result? You both can focus on all the good—and bounce back fast from any moments of accidental “bad.” 2. Take time to see them. The security of a long-term relationship (and marriage, obviously) is freaking fabulous. But a common price for that is how “used to” your partner you become. “There comes a point when we’re looking at a projection or memory of the person, not who they are in 3-D at that moment,” says Gillihan. “That leads you to make assumptions about what they need based on their past—not their present.” And, of course, people (yourself included) evolve as time goes on, and when you're with someone for the long haul, it’s on you to recognize how. So whenever you can—on your next date night, while they’re making the coffee, after they get back from a run—take a second to stop and really see your partner with fresh eyes. Think of three kind or impressive things they did recently, and feel the feels for them. Then instead of “I love you,” try saying, “I see you.” Their reaction could be pretty stunning. 3. Notice projections. Speaking of interpretations, one thing that can mess them up is a psychology term known as projection. Projection is, in short, when you transfer your own feelings about yourself or a situation onto someone else. While it's typically a subconscious habit, projecting leads you to assume that your partner feels a certain way when, in reality, they don't. For example, if you've been cheated on in the past and have trust issues because of it (I mean, fair), you might interpret your partner's "You're acting weird" comment as an accusation that you're being disloyal. When in truth, they're just wondering why you've been less talkative for the past two days. Whenever you can, try to pause and see a conversation or situation for what it really is, notice your own insecurities and assumptions (ask yourself: Do I know X to be true?), and do your best to let go of the idea that you know what your S.O. is feeling, says Gillihan. You'll never truly know unless you ask them. 4. Prioritize intimacy. I'm not talking about sex here, though that is incredibly important in a relationship, too. I mean the kind of intimacy that comes from physical touch, genuine eye contact, mutual smiling, etc.—all the tiny moments that make your heart swell. "These are the things that remind your partner that you're in this together, that you choose them and are happy you did," Sussman says. Touch your S.O. when they're making coffee (a quick hug around the waist does the trick...just be careful not to make them spill), look at them in the eyes when they tell you about their day, take showers together, sleep naked, snuggle...you know, the PG stuff that makes the day-to-day that much more special. "If you notice that’s declining, it could be the time to take a moment and talk to yourself about why—is it on your end, theirs, or both?" Sussman notes. If increasing your own initiation of this type of intimacy doesn't lead to them doing the same, you may want to consider seeing a couples therapist, who can help you both figure out underlying issues. 5. Proactively check in. Repeat after me: No matter how well your person knows you, they will never know exactly what's going on inside your head at all times. So don't expect them to...ever. You'll save yourself a lot of drama by voicing your thoughts once you've had a chance to process and collect them, Dr. Chloe notes. (And I co-sign.) That said, you probably harbor a lot of thoughts that you may never voice for one reason or another—and your partner could be doing the same. Perhaps they don't feel like you'd receive them well, or that their voicing concern wouldn't lead to beneficial change, anyway, so they suck it up and move on. While that's not a huge deal on an occasional basis for minor things (like, them being annoyed that you can never decide what you want for dinner), holding things in regularly won't end well. So do your part to get your S.O. to open up by checking in from time to time. In a casual, nonconfrontational way (perhaps when you're in the car), ask them, "How are you feeling about us these days? Is there anything I could be doing more or less of to support you?" Oftentimes, just your taking a minute to ask is enough to make them feel the love. 6. Do or say something daily to show your appreciation. “Saying and doing small, simple expressions of gratitude every day yields big rewards. When people feel recognized as special and appreciated, they’re happier in that relationship and more motivated to make the relationship better and stronger. And when I say simple, I really mean it. Make small gestures that show you’re paying attention: Hug, kiss, hold hands, buy a small gift, send a card, fix a favorite dessert, put gas in the car, or tell your partner, ‘You’re sexy,’ ‘You’re the best dad,’ or ‘Thank you for being so wonderful.’” 7. Don’t just go for the big O. “Sex isn’t just about orgasms. It’s about sensation, emotional intimacy, stress relief, improved health (improved immune and cardiovascular system), and increased emotional bonding with your partner, thanks to the wonderful release of hormones due to physical touch. There are many more reasons to have sex than just getting off.” 8. It’s not what you fight about — it’s how you fight. “Researchers have found that four conflict messages are able to predict whether couples remain together or get divorced: contempt, criticism, stonewalling (or withdrawal), and defensiveness. Together, they’re known as ‘The Four Horsemen.’ Instead of resorting to these negative tactics, fight fairly: Look for places where each partner’s goal overlaps into a shared common goal and build from that. Also, focus on using ‘I’ versus ‘you’ language.” 9. Focus on the present, not the past. It’s natural to bring your fears and negative experiences to a new relationship; after all, it’s a survival mechanism to prevent getting your heart broken again. But even if old fears and insecurities may prevent heartbreak, they can also prevent you from truly being happy in a new relationship. For example, if a past partner was unfaithful, don’t distrust your new partner just because of what an ex-relationship was like. Focus on the qualities that make your new partner different. If they’re trustworthy enough to date, that means you should trust them. Likewise, while the “dating history” conversation will be an important one eventually, don’t rush into it. Spend the first few dates getting to know your partner’s likes, dislikes, dreams, and personality traits, while they’re getting to know yours. There’s no need to explain what went wrong in your last relationship on the first date or find out about their dating past before you know the names of their siblings and where they grew up. 10. Don’t have important conversations over text. Texting is a modern-day blessing when it comes to regular check-ins and sending funny memes to make your partner laugh while they’re at work. However, texting should not be used for anything deeper than making plans or LOLing over TikToks. Discussing your feelings for one another or getting in disagreements should always be done in person. Not only can texting make in-person feel awkward, but a lot can be lost in translation and cause more misunderstanding. If you feel an argument coming on and you’re in a situation where you can’t at least talk over the phone, let your partner know you’ll discuss it when you can talk it through together.
By Shobha Tiwari4 years ago in Families
How To Deal With Religious Differences In A Marriage (How To Save The Marriage When You Have Religious Differences)
Would you like to know how to handle religious conflicts in a marriage? You may have entered into the marriage coming from two very similar, yet somewhat different religious traditions, or you may entered into the marriage with one of you being a person of faith and the other not. Another scenario is where you both enter into a marriage with neither of you being a person of faith, and then one of you becomes a person of faith. in any of these situations, however, you would want to learn how to handle religious conflicts in a marriage.
By Ron Collins4 years ago in Families
My Husband Is Not The Same Person I Married (My Husband Is Not The Man I Married)
When you first marry it is so easy to just gloss over what you know are differences. So you begin your marriage full of hope and with the belief that whatever problems may arise will be handled as a couple. You perceive your spouse to be a certain kind of person who will act a certain way. You begin your life together and just deal with the day to day issues the best you can.
By Ron Collins5 years ago in Families
