Working Towards the Life I Want

I have found it really hard to love myself lately. I've made several mistakes, including a relationship that resulted in me forfeiting my self-respect as well as my sense of self when it was taking place. But I also made a lot of positive choices in the process from a place of self-love, so it is not as cut and dry as it seems. And if you're reading this, you're probably wanting the full story.

But my logical mind tells me that sharing would only open up a can of worms that I don't want to deal with right now. The important thing to remember is that I did choose to leave situations that negatively impacted my self-image and that I am setting my sites on larger goals and a brighter future. The following things have taken place in the last few months:

1.) I moved out of my parent's house

2.) Got my own job and my own car

3.) Left a toxic relationship that I thought was empowering me but I knew deep down it really wasn't.

I am learning to love myself despite the mistakes I have made. The last relationship I was in was a trap wrapped in an illusion wrapped in a fantasy. But I now realize what I have to do to do better for myself; to choose better environments and better relationships for myself.

While the details of each situation are a little too personal to share, I did want to share the primary things that I have manifested in my life because I truly hope that my story will help others escape situations that are hindering their growth as well. And I will be honest: in the process of doing that, the transitions and transformations that I am forcing myself to make are very difficult. But for healing to occur for me, I know I must take some sort of action. Which is why I am in therapy and I am choosing to surround myself with positive people, while also making sure I get a good amount of time to myself.

I must heal certain parts of me as I work towards getting to the place I want to be, which is a published author and possibly an English and Creative Writing professor, and at some point, a film producer. I know that those are possibilities form me. Yeah of course one must think realistically to manifest what they want out of life. But I also choose to believe in myself. Even in the midst of self-doubt, as ironic as it sounds, I challenge myself to let go of those fears and believe in all that I can be, and continue to push myself to that place.

I know the intellectual and creative stimulation I crave, and that is why I am getting my Master's degree in English and Creative Writing, and planning on going back for my PhD in film. Because I want a career where my soul is fed through my creative projects. Yes, the job I have right now isn't ideal, but I am making the best of it. And my life may not look how I want it to at the moment, but that's okay. I know at one point it will, or it will be pretty damn close to what I want.

Because I want better for myself, I am choosing to do what I can do, and what I know how to do to achieve that, which is as follows:

1.) Therapy

2.) Being responsible for my own bills

3.) Choosing to surround myself with uplifting and healthy people

4.) Pursuing an English and Creative Writing major

5.) And here is a bonus: revising a book I wrote almost half a year ago. I may or may not share details on that later. ;)

But all of these things are actions I am taking to yield the following:

Relationships, jobs, and settings which provide me with the soulful enrichment that I crave, which is the freedom for me to be myself along with the stability that creates a solid sense of safety within me.