Trauma turned to Purpose.

A dear sister of mine was my muse to starting here with my own story, the first one written in my bones, my blood, my ancestral line which connects all of the pieces of me together. I grew from the earth just like us all, but the growth was first met with the near death of me and my soul, where everything was so dark, until I softly reached my hands through the dirt which was my home for so long, and I could finally feel.

“I grew from the earth, just like us all, but the growth was first met with the near death of me and my soul”

I could see that I didn’t belong in the underworld, in the shadows, in the places where the root system was forgotten. I wanted to remember. Remember who I was before I integrated parts, beliefs, trauma of another’s and made it my own story which had a strict ending in bold.

“I could see that I didn’t belong in the underworld, in the shadows, in the places where the root system was forgotten.”

What a catch 22 it is, for so long I was unbeknown to the disconnect in my body, to the feelings of constantly living in fear, or the understanding that how I ended up living through my life was a form of distraction, of numbing, or controlling my pain. This was my home, it was all I knew. A child can only learn and grow accustomed to what they see, hear and what’s modelled for them. It’s their normal. They are terrified, but they’re not in touch with that part of them. They are entirely dis-regulated.

“This was my home. A child can only learn from what they see, hear and what’s modelled for them.”

This was my home, growing up with a Father who only had abusive, coercive and controlling behaviour shown to him by his family, so that’s the only communication he knew. A man finding outlets to his own dis-regulation through alcohol and abuse that knew no boundaries.

His narcissistic tendencies, with his charm and the many masks he wore draw people to him, so no one ever knew and we were let down constantly by the services that were supposed to be there to protect us. When I was a child, I barely spoke and even had my own language which my family could only understand, little did I know, my trauma had taken my voice from me.

“My trauma had taken my voice from me.”

At 6 years old, my saving grace came in the form of new trauma. Trauma? A saving grace? How can that be, you ask? Let’s find out…

I had been having on and off chronic pain in my legs for a while, and one day at school it got so bad I couldn’t walk and I remember clearly, the feeling of my bones being pulled apart. I hadn’t felt physical pain like it.

We were lucky enough to get the support we needed from the hospital, and it wasn’t long before I had the longest of words I’d learnt so far, engraved in my mind. Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia. Cancer of the blood and Bone Marrow.

From here, it was a whirlwind of medication through a line, operations and my new home- the Hospital. I slept and was sick throughout most of this time, and had a buggy-wheelchair as I was so long, so I could sleep. I missed the majority of Primary School which I believe contributed to my difficulty in learning, my limit of understanding towards specific topics taught, and my difficulty in connecting with others.

This has led to deep-rooted PTSD around health, hospitals, blood, and everything else within the body which makes us human. Since having my first baby, it’s been something I’ve had to face, but I still struggle with panic on entering a hospital, on talking about anything related, and PTSD episodes when I see blood, gore and all in between.

It may seem a distinctive thought, to name such trauma as a ‘saving grace’ but I was one of the lucky ones- I have 3 siblings. I wasn’t at home anymore. I had to live with such guilt that I wasn’t there for them, that I was away from that world for a while. But of course this was taking it’s toll on my body in new ways.

“It’s felt like my life was one thing after another. Little did I know this was moulding me, strengthening my soul like never before, giving me powerful instincts and unconditional empathy.”

As time went on, and I’m lucky to say that I was in remission by the time I was 12 years of age. Around the same time, our family bounded together our courage, and we ran away from my father’s hold and finally had our own home, where we could be ourselves, feel safe and be held by our unconditionally loving mother. But little did we know, it wasn’t that easy. We were away from him, we never saw him again until he was dying from cancer when I was about 20 years old, which was another loss of my soul, I’m here because of him after all, as well as my own daughter.

“An imprint was left on us all.”

I’ve learnt the truth behind the fact that however we were taught love, through our main care givers, we will subconsciously attract the same. And I truly felt at home within this chaos. The control, the mental, physical and sexual abuse. The constant hot and cold treatment, the obsessiveness — I thought this was love.

I latched on to the tiny fragments of respect and kindness I was given. I was trauma bonded so deeply, this cycle kept on repeating itself, and I was chronically depressed, suicidal, bingeing on drugs and alcohol, and struggled with an eating disorder.

It wasn’t until I decided that enough was enough, and I was given the gift of an ex cutting all ties and leaving me be, that I was really able to look past the mirror and locate the parts hiding within. I knew I was in pain.

“I looked past the mirror and located the parts hidden within.”

I transmuted my pain into my Poetry, into my writing, like I’d always done as a child. I started eating healthily and keeping it all in. I learnt about meditation, breathwork and picked up my Yoga practice with commitment.

I started running regularly with my brother. I started talking to a man that seemed so like me, so soft, that I felt he couldn’t be real. It couldn’t be true. But it bloomed, we fell in love — consciously.

Before you knew it, I fell pregnant, after we were dating for only 6 months, and I was certain he would run, leave, show his true colours. But he was so happy. We was so in love. He held me, supported me and treated me like no man had treated me before.

It wasn’t an easy ride, the hormonal and health fluctuations brought many triggers within me, but I felt it from the moment I knew she was with me: she was healing me. She was my reason. I knew that she would never have to experience what I did. She was the catalyst to my growth.

“I felt it the moment she was with me. She was healing me.”

I stayed committed to my writing, I meditated, learnt about cyclical wisdom and tried my best to live in tune with my body and my seasons. I walked, I immersed myself into nature every day, I committed to shadow-work, EMDR, Somatic healing, and I started going to a women’s circle, which has changed my life and shown me the power of being able to truly share my story, my vulnerabilities', my tears, my rage, my child-like playfulness.

“I have changed my life. The power of being able to truly share my story, my vulnerabilities', my tears, my rage, and my child-like playfulness has been so healing for me.”

I trained as a Yoga & Hypnobirthing Teacher, and now I’m working on some projects related…

“I wouldn’t be able to feel the rippling aliveness in my body if I hadn’t been so dissociated from it.”

But above all, my trauma has been the catalyst to the Poetry, the art, and the deep, unconditional empathy I have for all living beings. I would have never got here without the trials and tribulations I’ve felt in my heart. I wouldn’t be able to feel the rippling aliveness in my body if I hadn’t been so dissociated from it. I’m convinced I was meant to experience all of this in such a short time of my life, to show me what I’m capable of, and what a potent vessel I can be for the healing of other souls once lost deep into the earth.

At last, I can smell, taste, see and feel the light within my natural inner world.

Thank you for reading, Bonnie x

Thank you dearly for reading, I’m honoured by all that take a moment to read, share and commit with me, to coming back to our true essence.

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