Thoughts of Him

March 10, 2023 11:24pm "He Says"

He says...

He says that I don't care but I do

And always did

I left because I had too

I had no choice

It wasn't an "ultimatum"

It was a, 'finally pick me for once or I'm leaving' kind of cry for help

It was my final cry for help

It was my final cry for Love

Help me in this moment by loving me

It was pure desperation to get you to see me,

To finally see that all I wanted was you

Both of us sitting there crying

what was I supposed to do

Waste more time

While you continued messaging your ex,

Receiving pictures from her,

Answering her back while I'm sitting right there,

In the same house,

In the same room,

Recognizing that you respect her more than you ever respected me

I loved you with everything I had

It was never one sided

Or else I would have moved to Seattle

I could have moved anywhere in the world to start over again

But I chose you

I chose Miami

A place I hate

A place that could blow up,

Fall in the ocean,

Completely collapse

And I wouldn't give a single care

I chose you as my family

Both of us knowing I've never really had one

but I wanted to build one with you

So let's be real

I talked about a life with you and kids while you were still accepting pictures and telling me to get over it

The famous words of a man, "She means nothing"

"We are just friends"

Get real

You're mad I moved on

I moved on because I wasn't getting what I begged for from you for 2 years

Jokes on me, I didn't get it from her either

But the lessons

Mmm

The lessons are always so good

Aren't they?

We need them

We love to hate them and how we have to learn them

But they are beautiful

Without her I would have never known how deeply in love with you I really am, and always was, that it suffocated me the entire time

Without her I would have never left and we both would have emptiness and or killed each other by now

Without her I wouldn't know who I am, and mean it, and love it, and understand it

Without her I wouldn't have been pushed to my limits and learned how to set my own boundaries

Boundaries like when I say to get the you know what out of my face and stop yelling at me you should, and you do

Boundaries like when I say to get the you know what out of my house, you should, and you will, or I have every right to call the police

Without her I wouldn't be the bad bleep woman I am today

I don't wear my scars out in the open

But I will never be afraid to talk about them and have them reflected through my sharp eye contact

So now when I say to stop receiving pictures from your ex, and this is how it makes me feel, you should out of respect for me

What you refused to ever understand was that the respect and loyalty should have always been towards me

Not her

Not him

Not them

Me.

It wasn't me in a crowd of people waiting to be picked

It was me that you picked only to put me in the crowd and never pick me again

So now when my gut speaks I listen

I listen to my mind and my gut and I'm learning to trust them rather than fall into the hands of carelessness

March 12, 2023 12:23AM

When the clock strikes 12 where do you go?

I know where I am and where I want to be

but you're a wild child now

Do you go for a night time drive?

Or to a bar?

Or to someone's house?

Are you on the prowl?

Being as you're emotionally unavailable now

Where do you go when you see my name pop up on your phone?

Do you go to the calm times?

The hurt times?

The betrayal?

Do you play the victim card and shame me instead of take a look at what you did?

Do you go to the ice cream dates?

the laughter?

the sex?

to us from the very beginning?

It's not a blur to me

You're not a blur to me

I want to date you

We never got a chance to really date

I want to start over

No strings attached to who we used to be

What we did

How we used to function

There is a lot you realized

And I'm happy about that

There is a little I realized which is probably a lot

and I'm also happy about that

But at midnight I know where I want to be

Do you?