Thoughts Written in My Notes

July 21st, 2022 3:57PM

Thoughts run through my mind, but I'm not quite sure what to say about them yet.

I wish that I could sit and write about you in 600 words or more but I can't seem to be getting there, yet, the feelings of confusion, misunderstandings, growing pains, perspective, and love, all bunched into grief, is still very much present inside of my mind...

 So much so that sometimes I feel I slip from my own clarity when you come to mind.

When you would come into the classroom, I didn't exactly know how to feel.

You have this very anxious cloud around you that I didn't like being around,

However, I remember a time when I did want to be around you,

being around you was all I wanted to be at one point,

 but I had to be real with myself and see what was truly unfolding.

We did what was inevitable,

whether it was then, now, or tolerating each other for a little while longer.

Your love and my love was never going to be the same.

We cursed each other from the start.

Your brain scatters and shuts down and mine scatters, becomes insane almost, and then calms itself down.

We are not the same.

Nor did I want us to be the same.

There is no one to blame.

Lessons learned Sianara.

Only if that's how it all worked, right.

How easy life would be.

My brain plays tricks on me and shows me that I was happy,

but I know different.

You triggered my chronic depression and never gave two fucks.

Long story short, you're an anxious-avoidant and sometimes just plain out avoidant, and I'm anxious.

So anxious that I would wreck my mind trying to figure out how someone just stops talking to someone they love

Weekends

Weeks

No checking in

No nothing

The jealous became far too intense for either of us to manage,

and pretty soon we became the titanic after it hit the iceberg.

No duct tape could save us, and we had no lifeboats or life jackets.

Nothing to float.

So why do I sit here thinking about you so much.

My friends despise you,

my heart can't stand you,

my brain can't stand you either, until you're gone.

My spirit doesn't like when you're around,

my eyes no longer lock in with yours.

You cut your hair and it isn't my favorite thing in the world.

We text all day now...

You're actually talking to me...

But you couldn't you do this before?

 The life of an anxious with a void. 

July 22, 2022 7:19AM

I just landed from my first flight and watched Persuasion. My heart tugged and swelled, and I did everything I could to hold it in, but you...

You are my Frederick.

It is daunting.

 I never believed in soulmates, but I remember our showers.

You pulling away.

Feeling suffocated.

But then all the sweet bliss, and my heart thinks of us in our tiny home.

Dancing in the kitchen while making a mess of whatever it is we are making (breakfast food of course).

A van that we drive all over and go hiking in.

And kiss under the sky full of stars...

Your hand in mine.

Your beautiful body that I will adore for a lifetime.

Trace your tattoos over and over again.

Touch you until you tell me to stop, but you are incapable of loving me back... to the fullest extent.

And that is where I just don't understand.

And then I turn on Spotify and Feelings by Lauv comes on,

and cue the waterworks.

Again, I hold it back but just quick enough.

What is this feeling?

You make me want to believe in what a soulmate really is. 

July 23rd, 2022 1:04PM

I just texted you and told you that you're talking to me...

like actually talking to me.

No rules.

No boundaries.

Not constantly keeping me at a distance.

I guess I'm like where was all of this before.

I guess being your girlfriend was too much for you to bare.

The thought of a friendship is more convenient for you.

Even though this is how it should have been,

but I give you that much.

You know I still think about you daily....

I don't know,

it's like a roller coaster park and I'm addicted to the adrenaline,

but not quite.

You said to set boundaries if I needed to,

but I'm not the one that gets overwhelmed and runs away.

So what use are boundaries for people that just want people to come inside? 

July 28th, 2022 10:00PM

Sometimes I think of you as a friend and other times my mind plays tricks on me

In the end this is where I could stay

I often wonder how long it will take

I could write about you all day

I told you one day when we were in the car that you were my muse

I didn't think it would last this long

Maybe it's not a good thing 

Me writing about you

Wanting to hear from you

I don't think friends do that

Do this

You're away and that's where you could stay

Over there

Away

And I'd be okay 

I'd still think about you everyday 

In every way if I'm honest

Allowing my mind to play tricks with me

To come up with different scenarios

That its never done before 

I see it all

Probably more clearly now that you're gone

Which is where you should stay 

If I'm smart

But what if I'm not smart

Which I'm not 

Not when it comes to love

Love....

I still remember the day outside your car

Across the street from the beach 

And this is where I should stop writing 

I should stop speaking

I should stop before I break my own heart with all the what if's in this world 

But you danced around the words 

Those 3 little words that I no longer even want to say to you after all we've been through

Because I don't know who you are anymore 

I don't know this person 

That I actually get along with 

And it is attracting 

But it isn't real

So I should stop

My muse 

July 29th, 2022 10:29PM

I'm literally sitting here wondering why I'm so in love with you I can't even really hide it anymore And I'm not sure I want too

July 29th, 2022 10:50PM

Stepping Stone

What am I feeling? Frustrated. Overwhelmed. Consumed. You play with me and I have learned to keep my distance, even though that's not who I am. I'm not one to keep my distance from people that I have in my life. You throw the word "friend" around and then say its hard for you and you still have "feelings", but where were they before? Where was this for this 2 months of a trainwreck?

I'm always peoples wake up call,

Trial run,

Temporary step to get them to where they need to be going,

And I'm fully okay with that,

But I'm tired now I guess;

And I am starting to wonder

How many more stepping stones I have to be.

The only stone I want to be is yours 

But then again no.

You're good.

We're good now.

Like this.

Like we are now.

Pen pals...Just texting...All day...Everyday...About everything...

But nothing else.

It all feels so different.

Almost as if it's not really you.

I know it is though because she has the same text mannerisms as you do,

But she isn't you.

Point blank, you know, we're good now.

What I feel isn't real.

And all of this will end very soon.

Just like every other time. 

July 30th, 2022 8:57PM

Little do you know...You're the only person I see a future with...Secure or not 

And you never will

Know, that is 

July 22nd, 2022 8:13AM

(I wrote down some songs that make me think about you but I'm not going to share them.)

August 1st, 2022 1:23AM

Questions for her:

Why?

Why now?

Why me?

Why should I even care?

What do you want from me,

and why do you want it?

What do you need to prove,

and why does it matter?

You know we're not friends, so why are you pretending?

This isn't some fantasy land and I'm tired of being safe

spaces

for people to mess up

and mess with

and then come back and wanting this that and the other

to make themselves feel better...

What does this do for me?

I forgive you

but I don't.

I still get very upset at how you treated me,

so much so

I can barely get myself to look you in the eyes,

and when I do

they don't say anything to me

not anymore,

but I'm not sure they even did.

I think you were the one person I ever truly wanted,

why...

I still don't know.

And you even proved to me why it's just not worth it anymore.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You asked me how it was so easy for me,

but I knew the week before that we weren't going to work.

That Saturday when you asked to meet me after our argument,

and your "space",

And you looked at me in disgust

and you told me, like countless times before,

that you had no feelings for me

and you didn't know when they would come back.

And before the night was over you were holding my hand, like everything was fine,

kissing me, like everything was fine,

hugging me, like everything was fine,

as if my heart had no value

no ears

no feelings at all.

Like you didn't just speak those words to me...

How could you be so cold to someone you loved?

I will never understand.

All those moments I stayed true to you

only to continue to hear that you feel nothing for me,

and Saturday was the last time I would ever hear that from anyone,

that ever had the audacity to tell me they love me and then fix their mouths to speak those words to my face,

along with,

you'll never meet my parents, that's not going to happen...

The hole you put me in.

The holes I had to dig myself out of, constantly.

The happiest I ever was with you was at Munoz's house that night.

You all playing games,

and me admiring you...

just you...being you...

The same person that switched just that fast because I said something to piss her off.

My future wife,

mother of my children,

feels nothing for me,

and will never allow me to meet her family

this has nothing to do with me.

Sunday, I never cried because I knew that.

I knew space wasn't healthy for me,

you did not love, value, or adore me in the ways that I did you,

and you never would,

and I would never speak to you that way.

I had a PTSD episode and somehow that was also my fault...

You made me feel like I was nothing,

and that is real for me.

You threw me away every chance you got because close with us was too close for you.

Your words are meaningless because these are the words you left me with.

[I feel nothing for you.

I'm too busy for you.

I have no time for you.

Why do I need to do that for you?

I shouldn't have to call you.

You will never meet my parents.

I feel suffocated.

I don't know what you want from me.]

I choke on these words, still... even as I type them...

they get stuck in my throat and I feel it in my neck,

the anger they give me.

And I still loved you.

You might as well have spit in my face and run over my foot with your car...

That would have hurt less.

The worst part is,

you looked me in my eyes with every word you spoke.

So while my mind plays these tricks on me,

while you say we're "friends" now,

while you act all normal,

I hope you feel every word that is typed here,

I hope no one ever speaks to you in the ways you spoke to me,

I hope you live a fulfilled and happy life,

because this...

this lives in me for now.

TBC...