The Size of Your lips changed

Please let me go Caleb, you are not here, and I don't want you to be. Not white and not black. I want home to come get me, so I can heal in an environment where nothing you showed me exists, the bad feelings don't exist either. I have never felt more alone, and you only kick me around in these dark days, after you broke my brain. I don't know what is real and what is not real anymore, that is why I demand I go where I know it's real. Where I know an XL male shirt, doesn't fit someone with my build.

I can't live this way, and all your doing is showing the world that you are the monster on the TV, got away with it or beat the case, either way, my current state of everything, shows me that you are capable of things the you I have stored in my memory is actually capable of, you chose this many times, like I get it, now please get this fact, I am done with your manipulation and lies.

Maybe you will have time for me and maybe not. I belong with someone who isn't anything like the last 14 years. I don't want to see your face again

I don't want to break anyone's heart, or maybe I do. Either way, today is just another day that shows me, that this person who is keeping me away from my reality, is out of their mind, and I can't get with that.

I can't get with, "how does it feel," coming from someone who seems like has to be involved here, only hits you with some outrageous shit, when they feel like they got you cornered, and alone.

I don't know what he is doing, because I have come to the conclusion, that no matter how bad it could hurt anyone, I am going to chose the only person in this world, that everything is REAL with. That is not the person whose lips changed sizes, and who tried to remind me of him and forgiveness.

Forgiving everything I have been through since I heard his name, up until right now, knowing he is fully capable of being present. He is fully capable of doing something about it. However, he chooses whatever life he lives, over me. Something that was expected, therefore, I need and want my reality back, that comes with orgasms.

Caleb, I can't give you another chance, solely because time has been your chance, and someone got you to lose track of it. That sucks, however I don't want to fuck with someone like you. I don't mean that in a mean way, I mean that in an honest way.

I need Eddie, in a way that many don't understand, it is not theirs or yours to understand. Eddie is my person, just like your person knows the things you have done, because you have opened up to them, like he did me. You Caleb, had a chance to share your story with me, but just when it started, and you thought we had all the time in the world, you dragged it out.

Then I was taken, before you could reveal whatever it is you keep me away from my own life to reveal to me. Ever since you popped up, I have been to lows I didn't know existed, and alone.

These are your lows, these are lows of someone who is in active addiction, and I am not. I am not even seeing Eddie, who is an addiction to me, and I am not actively thinking about wanting to live, ever since you entered my world. Unexpectedly and repeatedly, all for no reason. As I end up right back, after your second chance, is proof that it is time to move on.

If we were meant to be, we would still be being, I know that was you down there from the collection of things you had, I knew then. I had a hunch, then everything you have done since, has proved my point.

If you are home, the sad thing is, you don't even believe I deserve what I had before you, during you, and after you. Just a phone turned on, mystery, seems a lot like this "rent" in a place I paid rent when it smelt like my father's in the laundry space.

You have to let me go, I am not anyone like you think, I have self respect and taking you back, would not be having any. If I was right next to you, and wasn't feeling the exact way that last Monday proved. You will do things for everyone, but me. If that wasn't true, I would be in a better space right now, physically and mentally.

Which I find is a very selfish little boy thing to do, I have a son and I want to be with someone he can look up to, someone who keeps his mother happy, thriving and, well alive and lively. Not numbed down and dumb, gassed and not even caring about what happens to me, only to my money.

It is time for Eddie to come get me, it is my way or my way this time, and it is time for me to open my eyes in an environment that doesn't seem like a dope guys, girlfriends place. I could never claim a boyfriend, living like this. That is where you took your own tittle away, the day you got me kicked out of my room.

You have killed my soul, my spirit, and keep rubbing salt in a wound you can't even take the time to wrap your head around. Just like my being in your bed wasn't enough, taking away the essence of me again and again, this time it isn't enough?

I am not enough for you, which is fine, because you are not enough for me, you can't love me the way I would of loved you, and tried to, but you had that thing in competition, and for what? What is mine, is not up for grabs, just like what is yours shouldn't be up for grabs. As well as my sons mother's life shouldn't be treated as if she doesn't matter in the world she created, got abused in, crawled out of.

All for you, Caleb to allow these things to drag me back here and treat me as if summer 2020 is never going to end, knowing how I felt then, and what I did about it. This is how you move? I don't respect that, and I have standards as well Caleb, and maybe your definition of standards are different than mine, and that is ok. What is not ok, is what has been happening since April 29th, 2021. The fact is, if you cared for me the way you must convince others you do, I wouldn't be here, in the helpless, hopeless never ending summer of 2020.

I want all summers from 2011 to now to end. I don't know what is before that, but I know it is nothing like this. Just like that pink computer, you were going to fix things right?

Goodbye Game I never wanted to play, and if I did, it would of never been with an actual narcissist like yourself. Cruel, so cruel Caleb, you are too cruel hearted for myself to have in my life. The way you discarded me, is something I will never look at you the same again, you know why.

Take care of yourself, I just wish we never crossed paths as adults. We do not make a match, and your lack of everything, and your voice sounding as if calling me tomorrow is a burden, is proof that you don't want me to feel anything than stress and eggshell, like your on top of me, but I am not having multiple orgasms. Please let me go home... I need my home to come get me, and your in the way. I don't want any of your characters, but the one I have built a life with, because that is the only life I know is real, and I have been ready for real since 2013, when I moved in with him, so I need you to go, and please take these lies and gas and weird bitches with you.