The Hidden Fixer

The Hidden Fixer

Can adults hide under the bed too?

I yearn to escape, to retreat, or simply vanish from existence. The thought of not being a concern to anyone consumes me. If only I could disappear without a trace, leaving behind the burdens that weigh me down. Since childhood, whenever I made mistakes, an overwhelming urge to hide beneath my bed would take hold of me. In those moments, I longed to shrink myself into insignificance, to become invisible to the world. I desired to block out my senses, to be enveloped in darkness and white noise, where the chaos of life couldn't reach me. The weight of expectations and judgments, both external and self-imposed, suffocates me, urging me to seek refuge in solitude.

If only it were possible to conceal myself until I am ready to reemerge and face the world once more. The constant stimulation overwhelms me; the relentless noise and demands of society make me yearn for a moment of respite. I wish for it all to vanish, to fade into the background, allowing the tranquility of solitude to wash over me. I yearn for the absence of people, so their judgments can no longer haunt me, and their expectations can no longer weigh me down. In this elusive state of serenity, I crave a serene mind, free from self-inflicted torment, where I can find solace and peace. The longing for a sanctuary, a haven where I can retreat from the chaos of life, grows stronger with each passing day.

Is this commonplace? Do others harbor such intense self-loathing that they too yearn to fade into oblivion? Perhaps, behind the masks we wear, there are hidden battles fought by many. I wish to be forgotten, not out of a desire for attention, but out of an innate need to escape the pressure of existing in a world that can be unforgiving. Ironically, I have never sought attention, yet I find myself exposed to the world, vulnerable and stripped bare within my own mind, desperately longing for a refuge that grants me the freedom to be forgotten.

But I can't escape the guilt that weighs on me, driving me to fix everything and everyone around me. It's an overwhelming need, born from a place of brokenness within myself. The responsibility for others' happiness falls upon my shoulders, even when it has nothing to do with me. It's a burden I bear without question, constantly trying to make amends for things I have no control over. The weight of this self-imposed obligation adds to the desire to hide away, to seek solace in anonymity.

And so, the cycle continues. The need to hide and escape grows stronger, while the pressure to fix everything intensifies. But I know deep down that I cannot continue this way forever; eventually, I must face my fears and confront the world head-on. Until then, I will continue to search for a bed or closet to conceal myself, longing for the day when I can finally be at peace with my own mind and find the strength to face the world without fear.

So, if you ever see me withdrawing or hiding away, please understand that it's not because I don't care about you or our relationship. It's because I am fighting battles within myself that no one else can see, and sometimes, I just need a moment of solitude to gather my thoughts, find the courage to face the world once again, and hopefully at some point re-emerge. The need to fix everything and everyone may never fully go away, but I am learning to prioritize my own well-being and happiness. And that, in itself, is a small victory.

So please bear with me as I navigate through this constant struggle between my desire to hide and my responsibility to others. And know that even in the midst of it all, I am still grateful for your presence in my life, even if I don't always show it. Thank you for being patient and understanding, for being a source of comfort and support when I need it the most. And most importantly, thank you for loving me through all my flaws and struggles.