Prompt #5

WHAT WAS A MAJOR TURNING POINT IN YOUR LIFE?

I can tell you this much- being a kid, accountability for growing up is never forced until you reach a certain age. What do I mean by that? For example, adults are always telling your to "stay little", "don't rush to grow up", "enjoy being a kid". We have all heard it. Why? Because as kids ,we couldn't wait to grow up and live life unapologetically with our own set of rules. No one to tell us when to go to bed, what to watch, what chores need to be completed, what to wear. We would be our own compasses in life and we could go wherever the wind blew us.

I think having that mind set- needing to be an adult- came with obvious errors in the thought process. There are several factors that we are never met with because let's face it - as children, we haven't truly gone through enough crap to make valid decisions. We haven't lived enough to understand the multitude of angles that need to be viewed to make sound decisions/choices. And Lord knows, I have made several decisions without weighing the impact of those choices.

For me, if something wasn't going the way that I felt it should be going, I just hit the road. Left everything in the wind. If it wasn't in my sight, then there was no reason for me to deal with it. That mindset didn't stop at my personal life- no, it followed me through college, work, relationships, goals, etc... If I had just the slightest itch that something was about to go haywire- I was out. G O N E. I had every excuse for leaving, too. I would pad my heart with every reason why it made sense to walk away and how it wouldn't truly affect me because I was the one walking away from the terrible, no good thing. If you think I sound incredibly insane- I was. Still am. Just not as intense.

The perception was that I wasn't going to let anything hurt me first. I had dealt with a life full of abandonment and I knew at a young age, that I would never allow for someone to leave me again, if I could help it. When things got tough, I shut down and left. * There is a reason why I am in therapy, so yes, I am dealing with this*.

It wasn't until I got into a relationship very quickly after just ending a prior long term relationship and ending up pregnant, that I was slapped with a true hard immovable dose of reality. That running I was used to doing when things got tough, yeah- I was quickly stopped in my tracks. And I cannot even begin to describe to the levels that beginning of ours had and the SEVERAL reasons why I should have boot-scooted and boogied out but I stayed. Now out of the hundreds of situations that I was able to just walk away from- they didn't compare to this for the sole reason- it wasn't about just me anymore. I mean it never truly was just about me in every other situation. There were others that were impacted by my decisions- family, friends, significant others, co-workers, etc... I just never truly took them into consideration because half of them wouldn't be around for a long time and the others had to be around me for a long time. This time though, this time- I was growing a life. What I didn't realize truly though was just how impacted this baby would have on my life. I learned to stay. Out of fear, love, duty- whatever you want to call it, the chances of me walking away from this was zero. No matter how difficult life was going to get, for someone reason I had made up my mind that I wasn't going to run away anymore. I was going to face the tough stuff head on and that was that. Whether I am a complete nut job, certifiably insane, obviously unmedicated at that point in life, or live for the pain- I did. I stayed through the tough. I fought for what I have and where I am at today. Have I wanted to walk away from it all from time to time- absolutely. However, what would that say to my child?

I know what that would feel like, how it would make him feel, what he would think. I have been there. For me, it wasn't something that caused anger with that person. It caused me to take on the burden of them leaving and place blame on myself. I held the blame for so many years for the actions of that person. "If I was good enough, they would have stayed." "If I made sure that my siblings were taken care of, or the house was taken care of, or that everyone was calm and out of the way"- maybe then they would have stayed. Maybe then they wouldn't have left, walked out, disappeared. My child, didn't deserve that. I didn't deserve that. I needed to realize that I was worth more than the effort that was given to me. My child would never understand a moment where they thought they weren't enough for me.

So I hung up my theoretical running shoes and stayed put.

For myself. For my child. For my inner child.

I deserved to know I was worth it to have my feet planted. That I could show myself grace when things weren't always great and that if surrounded by the right people, it would be okay to get through the tough times, together.