Two Truths & A Lie

I was not meant to exist in this world alone.

So why is it that every time I lay my head down at night, I shiver from the loneliness.

Every morning, I wake up, I cringe at the coldness of another lonely morning.

When did I lose myself? Was it when I chose to stop fighting for what I knew would be best for me. Knowing, that what would be best for me would mean losing those closest to me. Was it when I chose to believe that no one would ever understand my heart, and therefore decided that it did not need to be shared. So I stopped using my voice.

How did I form an attachment to being alone? Did it happen when I got comfortable with people walking away. Choosing to accept that I was the reason that they chose to walk away. When my voice became so raspy from begging those to stay. Realizing that no matter the volume or the amount of pleas, they still chose to walk away.

When did I accept loneliness as deserving? I could only imagine that it was when I could never achieve perfection. Understanding that my DNA sequence would never allow my cells to behave the way that would allow for unconditional love. Love was reserved for behaving accordingly. Behavior that did not cast a shadow of judgement. Was it when I was told that I use my past as a weapon formed to obliterate the lives of others around me. To be seen as a victim. When I am the villian in so many stories that could be shared but instead they choose to stay quiet. Why would they stoop so low when they feel so forgiven by their religion. Why should I hold on to the past, although true- damaging to their image now. So, be quiet. Be alone. Be in the wrong. Even if it is my truth. Stay quiet. Do not acknowledge any part of it.

I wish someone would have told me that I deserved more. That I was not a stain on familial history. That I was not the mistake created from the poor decisions of others. I wish someone would have told me that my existence was not a fluke. That my name was my own and that I did not owe anything for past transgressions. I wish someone would have told me that my voice mattered and so did my truth. That I matter, then and now. Whether I fall in line or stay on a path all my own- my love is not contingent on stipulations or requirements to receive it.

I wish I would have listened to the hesitation in the depths of my soul. An echo of a whisper. Telling me to trust my instinct instead of the lies and deceit. However, I held more comfort in believing the fear and the abandonment than the truth. The truth was never as prevalent as the deceit. I believed that I was the reason for the chaos surrounding my life. I had and have always been the common denominator for the destruction that surrounded every moment. I was the root cause. How could I not be when I have been plagued with fighting battles that did not belong to me. Being the tiny protector surrounded by many giants.

Because I was not mean to exist in this world alone.

I was meant to love at full force. Laughing until I cannot breathe, finding the beauty in all of my flaws, and knowing that my love is not meant to be tolerated but celebrated. I am deserving of love. I am deserving of being seen. I am deserving.

And yet still, be quiet. Sit in your loneliness. What happened to you was for just a moment. It was their trauma to deal with, not my own. So therefore, my loneliness is a weaponized tool to destroy their image. My voice is the whisper. My pain is no more than a grain of sand that matters not at all. I am still nothing. My path to peace can only be found on the path that is approved by those who could be damaged if I choose to not abide by their choices.

There are always two truths and a lie.