Madness

The person I used to be can never return because I won’t let her. She was naïve. She let her emotions dictate her life. She was explosive and reckless. She did her best, though, and I’ll forever respect her. But this new person that I have become came at a price that there is no refund for. Unimaginable loss. Tragedy. Pain. The lessons that I had to learn burned the old me alive. With no guidance or survival guide, the only thing left to do was transform. It feels like a lifetime has passed, a different time and place. But, if you look deep enough into my eyes, you can still see her weeping face. (Beauty in Darkness, by B. Vigil.)

The person I used to be can never return because I won’t let her.

I made this decision for our sake because she would always make the wrong decision when helping others and putting others in positions in her life that they couldn’t handle. I have been around so many people that all they seem to want to do is take from me, and this can not happen as often as it used to because I tend to lose who I am in helping someone else. Now I am not saying that I will not help others. I am saying that I am more selective about whom I help now.

This was the most brutal truth I ever had to face mentally because it was true, but not anymore. I can admit that I was naïve and foolish to some degree. After all, I would always give more of myself to others and not get the same amount of time, energy, and effort into building a solid relationship with others, only to find out later that they were only taking advantage of me because I have a big heart and I am a forgiving person. But, please let me be obvious here, I am no longer that naïve little broken young lady that everyone else is used to seeing because I know what it takes to love me first. Now that I have let the naïve me go, I can make more room for the new me to shine. The funny thing about this is that she was always there. It was just the naïve me who always wanted to take up extra space for no real reason, so I had to let her go.

I am still in this stage of not letting my emotions dictate how I feel, but it can be hard when you naturally love others without judgment. Being able to be there for others that you care about is tricky because I know for a fact that I love to help when and where I can; however, if the individual doesn’t want to change themselves for the better, I am not going to keep pushing myself to keep giving you all my attention. I will invest in you as much as you invest in me, and if I see that your investment becomes more of a liability, I will distance myself from you because you are no longer worth my time. Taking emotions off the table better helps me make the right decisions for myself and no one else. So don’t take it personally when I refuse to do certain things that you wanted me to do back in the day because your intentions and actions made me change the game with you.

I know that I used to be explosive and reckless, and this was because I had a traumatic past and upbringing, but as I got older, I realized that this was not the way that I wanted to live my life, so I made some significant changes to my mental health first and then the rest simply followed. I am still a firecracker when I need to be, but I know that I am no longer reckless in anything I do now.

I know that I did the best I could with what I was dealing with then, and for this reason alone, I will always respect my younger self because she didn’t know any better. She would take on everyone else’s issues and forget that she had significant issues that she still needed to work on. I will always respect the other sides of me that had to go through all the hard lessons in life because, without her, I could not see the beauty in all the madness.

But this new person that I have become came at a price that there is no refund for.

This new me came with a high price tag, and I know that the average person could not have endured what I had to endure to get here. In my mind, it doesn’t matter anymore about how I got through all the trauma. All that matters is that I am finally here and here to stay.

The lessons that I had to learn burned the old me alive.

These lessons I had to learn forced the old me to be burned alive because we all knew her time was up. This doesn’t mean that she is no longer around. It simply means she is in a world that is more suited for her, and she also knows that if the rest of me ever needs her, I can count on her to show her face whenever I need her to come out. I am still working on her mental state of mind right now, and she is willing to make the changes she needs to stay in our lives. Now when I say the old me was burned alive, it only means that I had to burn out the old mental bull shit I grew up with.

With no guidance or survival guide, the only thing left to do was transform.

But, if you look deep enough into my eyes, you can still see my weeping face.

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