And all that S*&!

Embarrassment. Funny thing is embarrassment as I look back at the things that I have once done and remember at the time I felt mortified that they had happened and I wouldn’t talk about them or try to think about them but if those situations were to happen to me now, I don’t think I would b that bothered by it… well, at least not AS bothered as I was back then.

I think something that I can now come to terms with as a middle aged actually let’s say young! #30YearsYoung is wee and poo experiences. There is never any good stories with wee and poo, only the bad and the ugly and I’ve had my fair few in the past and so I thought I would take the time to tell the world as if you can’t love yourself and laugh about yourself, where’s the joy in life?

The first story that I can remember where I was inconsolable and silent about happened when I was about 10. For a school trip we went away to stay in a hostel type hotel for the weekend. I say hostel type as I remember there was 3 bunk beds to a room so 6 young boys all sleeping in a cramped room in a hotel near a woods… not the picturesque ‘Center Parks’ type places that you do find in the UK. The reason we went there – well, I don’t know if it was the reason or just part of it – was to learn and practice orienteering. I don’t remember much about it but we walked A LOT around the woods surrounding the hotel, the lovely British countryside with waterfalls and skinny wooden lanes and each night we would sit around the campfire singing folk songs etc. lovely memoires apart from when the other boys found my ‘black bin bag’.

Being an only child, naturally I was mollycoddled and so my mum was clear that I needed to keep on top of my hygiene and told me to always wear a clear pair of pants everyday so I did and she also told me to put my dirty underwear in a separate back and provided me with black bin bag. Lovely, I thought, that’s easy and it makes sense and I could do that! Nothing really gets past 5 other boys in 1 room so they soon all found my dirty clothes. Fine… what’s wrong with that… so you might think but as an adult I understand that I have an intolerance to some foods and don’t always have an easy time with my digestive system, something that I couldn’t and didn’t grasp a child and so I shied away from admitting that sometimes, I left skid marks. To be honest, I don’t think skid marks have anything to do with bad digestive system, more a laziness in wiping but I at least tried to justify it..

Anyway, I got a cute little nickname out of it – skid mark was the name… don’t forget it – and everyone joined in calling me that by the end of the weekend so that will forever stick in my memory. Luckily the nickname didn’t last and I think I moved on into ‘bigger’ school soon after so not many kids knew me but then, in Year 9 (so I would have been about 14 years old at this point) another nickname came around but alas, didn’t stay long was ‘pissy pants’. Far from original but let me tell you why this new nickname was attempted.

Being 13 / 14 years old, you are aware of your social position within school. You know who the cool kids are, you knew the kids that deemed alternative and knew which ones to avoid getting a bashing. I was safely in the middle, no drama, friendly with all groups and didn’t get bullied… too much… so school life was being boring and steady I guess, until my year 9 SAT exams.

I couldn’t tell you what SAT stands for but they happen year 9 in secondary as I kind of introduction your GCSE’s that you do in year 11 that you need to go onto further education. I think the year 9 SAT exams determined the classes you were going to be in the next 2 years? I’m not sure but anyway, as they were exams, everyone in the year would sit in the assembly hall, all socially distanced desks (no COVID back then but there was definitely cheaters…) and I believe, all in alphabetical order too.

The exams lasted for a good 1 or 2 hours each I think, depending on the subject. The one exam I remember clearly was my English exam. I had finished the paper with a good 15 minutes left and I was pretty chuffed with myself and lucky for me, as I need the toilet. I put my hand up to beckon one of the teacher over and Mr Davey (god Mr Davey, was a good looking man but clearly dumb…) bobbed on over and I ask him if I could go to the toilet. He asked if I could wait as the exam was nearly over but I said I couldn’t and I was bursting to go and I had already finished the paper. He said that I will have to wait as no one is allowed to move around the desks when the exam is still ongoing and quickly walked away before I could say anything and of course this conversation was in whispers as to not distract anyone.

I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t lying when I said I was bursting and time goes very slow when you’re watching it and wanting it to go fast. I was also annoyed that I was denied, what I thought and assumed, was a basic human right and so in an act of rebellion – and honestly, in pure necessity – I sat there, and let it loose… I let my floodgates open and I remember feeling so relieved that I forgot what I was doing and what would happen… a gradual puddle started forming around getting bigger and bigger and other kids started noticing. The boy next to me audibly ew’d at the sight of it coming towards him. It soon got the attention of the ‘adults’ in the room and they quickly ushered me out after throwing verbal abuse at me asking me what the hell I was doing.

I had the remainder of the exam in the boys toilets trying to dry myself and my trousers. I was given some shorts from lost property to wear for the remainder of the day (luckily that was the last thing to do in the day) and I remember they were green shorts… I repeated to them who it was that didn’t let me go and I did ask first before it happened and I knew then that I had changed the game for everyone.

After that exam, kids were allowed to go to the toilet if they needed too, escorted by a teacher of course. I also put myself on the map as some kids thought I was disgusting, others had respect for me but everyone in the year and rest of the school knew who I was… a martyr I tell you!

They did give me extra time on the exam – not that I needed it but they had to as I had used 15 minutes to do something other than the exam and they had to be fair and give me the same amount of time as all the other kids – and I left school with 16 GCSE’s, 3 times the needed amount for further education so it didn’t impact my future life and ‘pissy pants’ really only last a couple of weeks as it was soon Summer and all was forgotten by time I came back, at least for them.

Wee and poo are natural. It’s part of how we work as a species, everyone does it and it’s essential so why be embarrassed about it!? I have had more recent ‘hiccups’ as an adult that I’m proud to talk about so not really embarrassed by them and I would encourage others to do the same as it’s funny really and honestly, whoever you tell will 100% have a story that would match yours.

#WearItLoudAndProud