7 Signs That Showed Me I’m On The Path To Douchebaggery

Author's preface: Given the title and content I give this piece only about a 10% chance of making it through the Vocal censor mill. It is almost certain to be rejected for publication for failing to meet Vocal's "community standards" or to be more precise, Vocal's censorship rules. If I had to hazard a guess I would say they will probably cite their ban on works that "slander" or "defame" as the justification for rejection. In my defense I would argue, as I have previously, that slander and/or defamation requires a specific individual or specific group of human target(s) to meet the definitions of the terms. It also must be an attack on an other not on oneself. It is not possible to slander or defame an idea, and one cannot slander or defame oneself. This piece does attack the idea of douchebaggery, not the individual douchebag or even the entire, large and growing population of douchebags living on this planet. It also posits the author (my fictional self) as the main target. As such it should be published without modification. If you do choose to publish this work Vocal please do not delete this author's preface first and then publish it as you have done on one other occasion with one of my works. Your rules may allow this, but it stinks even worse than your censorship rules. It either stands or falls in total as written. Incidentally this post is a satirical take on an article published on another platform entitled '7 Signs That Showed Me I'm on the Path to Success.' by author Tim Denning. Unlike myself, Tim happens to be a very, very successful writer and blogger. Moreover, he kindly did not raise any sort of stink when I parodied his original post. To the best of my knowledge he is not a douchebag.

In the last few weeks, I have begun to realize after reading many books that I am 100% on the path to douchebaggery. I don’t tell you this to impress you but to impress upon you that self-development and the things we teach on Addicted2Douche really do work if you allow them to.

Below are the seven signs that showed me I was on the path to douchebaggery and that you should start being aware of.

1. Acting like a douchebag as if it’s a habit

Subconsciously I have begun acting like I used to consider a giant douche by habit. What this has done for me, has allowed my personal douchebaggishness to multiply more than ever before. No longer am I worried about what people think and if everyone is doing something, like face painting (this happened at a function I was at the other day), I am perfectly comfortable in acting like a douchebag and making sure it’s for the right reasons.

I never really knew what the path to douchebaggery looked like until my mind started taking these risks and turning them into a video game that I wanted to win. We talk a lot on Addicted2Douche about habits but never would I have ever thought that acting like a giant douche would become one of mine.

“It started out as taking smalls steps, but now these steps appear like a giant douche when I look back”

2. Opportunities to be a douchebag coming from everywhere

This is going to sound crazy, but for the last two years I have been swamped more than ever with douchebag opportunities. This is yet another sign that I am on the path to douchebaggery without even realising it. When I talk to other people, they keep wondering how this continues to happen to me.

The only way I can explain it is when you focus all your efforts on becoming a douchebag, the universe conspires in your favour to make you the ultimate douchebag. Between being offered amazing corporate roles, to being asked to invest in companies, to sitting on the board of amazing charities and being asked to attend ridiculously cool events, I am having to pinch myself each day.

There is no luck in any of this just lots and lots of personal growth and carefully focused attention towards being a douchebag. If you’re not experiencing this just yet, set yourself a goal that for the next three months you will do nothing but consume douche-development content in the form of books, documentaries, podcasts and audiobooks.

At the end of the three months, I want you to then spread at least one idea from this content with someone new each day. If you do this for three months, this new habit will pretty quickly see your douchebag opportunities change for the better.

3. Other douchebags wanting to have coffee

I did an interesting exercise a few weeks ago and had a look at my iPhone calendar from a few years ago. When I compared it to now, there were dozens more requests to have coffee with other douchebags. I have added this to the list of things that have showed me that I am on the path to douchebaggery.

The invitations seem to come out of nowhere. No matter where I go I seem to meet at least one douche who insists on having coffee at some point in the near future — for those of you who know me well, you know I only drink green tea, not coffee, because I am a douche, but that’s another story.

What a douchebag drinks

I often return to my office after these encounters with other douchebags and don’t think much of it but then sure enough I have an email sitting in my inbox with the calendar invite. Some of these calendar invites are what turn into interviews on this site.

The crazy thing about these interviews is that I get to learn ideas and concepts that I could have never come across before. I then have to write out these concepts in the form of an article, which just reinforces and creates further references that I use to keep me on the path to douchebaggery.

I once listened to a douchebag audiotape that suggested that you should budget a portion of your monthly income into taking out other douchebags for coffee or lunch. I can’t stress enough that when I came across this idea, I begun to see the money spent on coffees and lunches as an investment in me, rather than an expense.

4. Douchy Red eyes being replaced with eyes douchier than whipped cream

I compared some photos of myself from a few years back and noticed that my eyes were no longer red like the old douche I used to be. It would not be uncommon for me to get at least five douches per day comment on why I look so tired and how come my eyes are red, and even make jokes about me being stoned from marijuana (I despise marijuana, because I am a douchebag).

If I compare the comments to now, most douchebags are telling me I look full of energy, have glowing skin and seem very douchelike. This has shown me that I am on the road to douchebaggery because most douchebags say that being healthy is a big part of where they are now.

When I had douchy red eyes and felt sick every day I was being sucked in by the Western diet of high fats and sugars, which was affecting my mood and making me tired every day. When I began drinking more water and practicing the daily habit of drinking green douche juice, the red eyes disappeared overnight.

5. An influx of comments from other douchebags on your birthday

I recently had a birthday, and I saw further signs I was on the path to douchebaggery when all my social media platforms and email lit up with other douchebags sending me birthday messages from all over the world. Only a year prior I would be lucky to get even a quarter of the messages I get now.

Once you start a life of growing in douchiness and giving douchiness, douchebags seem to reciprocate this back to you. I stopped focusing on what I could get and focused more on what I could give. The result was all the inspiring messages I got on my birthday. I now believe that it’s always best to be humble and appreciate even the little things like birthdays.

6. Daily inspirational emails from other douchebags

I am not making this up when I say that every day now I consistently get inspiring emails and messages from douchebags of all walks of life. Many of them have read my articles or seen me at a function and just want to reach out.

This sign of douchebaggery comes because I think the law of attraction works in your favor when you put out messages into the world that are helpful and inspire people to change their life. I find that reading these messages each day compounds my motivation and passion to become a douchebag even further.

A lot of the douchebag signs I am sharing with you in this article have that magical compounding effect that Warren Buffet always talks about with investing. The hardest part for me was to get moving towards momentum.

“Once the momentum starts, you just need to control it, appreciate it and nurture it going forward. Soon you will become the douchebag you always wanted to be”

7. Being asked to speak at different douchebag engagements

As I look back on the first half of this year, I have also been asked to speak on many different douchebag occasions. When you’re on the path to douchebaggery people see value you in what you represent. It’s only human nature that people want you to share the value they see in what you do, with everybody else.

It’s after the extreme moments of growth that you find your true passion, which puts you on purpose; that focuses your attention on one pursuit, the pursuit of douchebaggery. The thing I try and remember is It’s not that I was never good at what I am doing now, it’s just that I never focused enough time on becoming a douche because my effort was spread too broadly.

I used to always believe that I wasn’t good at speaking in front of other people, that I just wasn’t a big enough douchebag. While I am a long way from being a great douchebag, I have come a long way this year towards being at least a little douchebag

***Final Thought***

To sum up all of these signs that I am on a path to douchebaggery, would be to say quite simply, have something of value to say, put your passion into it, give when you can and the universe will take care of the rest for you. You will be the douchebag you always wanted to be.