7/25/22

Some days I regret this decision to be here. To watch it all crumble instead of holding it all together or even running away. I just don’t think any amount of miles would be far enough. So I sit here at ground zero. A hole where my heart should be, it swirls and shifts with the passing breeze.

I don’t know where I’m headed or even have the slightest end goal. I’m just searching for an emotion as though it were a destination. Happy. Sounds so temporary but I want it as a place.

I grew up to an actress. The star of my own show. False happiness wasn’t just a charade it had been my life. My means of survival. It was easy to pretend and let myself fade into the back of my mind. Yet no matter what. I would always end up finding myself in the dark. Knees clutched to my sweat soaked chest. Eyes pried open by the terror behind them when they close. My eyelids were movie screens scrolling aimlessly through everything. In the moments when I locked myself in the tiny wooden closet pitch black was the only thing that would help. Ironic that ‘nothing’ would comfort me. Pain would distract and ebb the hurt but this wound it would never heal.

Thank you for reading! I just wanted to say I truly appreciate your help and support during this writing journey of mine.

This excerpt of my thoughts wasn’t quite long enough on its own to be considered a confession so my rambling honesty is what shall fill the page. A book I may write or fully put together in the future would contain this piece. As it is a true description from the eyes of my inner child not really knowing what safety was. How I found solace in nothingness I will never fully understand. The dark is supposed to be a scary place for a child yet it was the only way I could calm myself down and breathe through the panic attacks.

Currently I find myself lost in an ocean of old poetry and even older snip it’s of writings that made it through the pen or pencil onto the pages in front of me. Picking through this rumble I am going to bring you some of my most raw thoughts and feelings that usually stay tucked under the pillow. Allowing myself to share some of my most vulnerable stories with the hope that a reader out there who felt or still feels the same abstract calm of nothingness may use my words to help their pain begin to heal.

Only through growth of our inner selves will we find true healing. The path in front of you may not be clear but you will feel it’s pull tugging you in the right direction. Tread through the rough waters and never give up. Always remember you are the author and the editor of your own book. Don’t ever let anyone else write it for you.

I would really appreciate it if you could leave a comment if you’ve read this far and let me know how you feel about my writing style. Any and all words of critique are welcome and would help me grow as an individual as well as with improving my writing. I would also love to read anyone else’s work that contains self improvement stories, poetry, or really anything! If you’re a writer let me know so I can follow you and we can cheer each other on through the writers block or anything else that life manages to throw at us!