What if the Beatles were Americans?

In the world you know...

The Beatles are the best-selling musicial act in human history. They have the most number-one hits in both the United States and the United Kingdom, with worldwide estimated sales of 600 million units. Universally considered the most influential band of all time, Paul McCartney, John Lennon, George Harrison, and Ringo Star formed their union in Liverpool, England, in 1960.

But what if the Fab Four weren’t British?

There are other universes than ours— other worlds where the questions that plague us have already been answered! And luckily for you, I have the means to get to those eccentric and exotic places! I know the right questions to ask! I possess the keys to innumerable extradimensional doorways of enlightenment!

So what do you say?

Take a ⚡ lightning slide ⚡⚡ with me now as we wisk down a rainbow rabbit hole to solve another great cosmic conundrum?

What I'm specifically wondering is...

What if the Beatles were Americans?

⚡😁👍

In this other world I know of— that you're unfamiliar with (until now!)— they are John Lemon, Paul McCarthy, George Benjamin Harrison and Fif'y Starrs: the Dung Beetles, 👨‍👨‍👦‍👦 America's Favorite Foursome! After phenomenal success with their early albums: Meet the Dung Beetles, Rebel Soul, and Revolver, the boys released their greatest masterpiece, the most controversial album ever recorded, what became forever known as The Black Album.

It was a ground-breaking collection of the ultimate protest anthems written by apex provocateurs. Bridging a cultural divide between high art and popular music, reflecting the interests of contemporary youth and the counterculture, the release of the "most dangerous album ever recorded" began the great “Summer of Love” on May 26th 1969.

The Dung Beetles were malcontents, pioneers of a uniquely American art form: ‘Gloom Rock.’ They didn’t write silly love songs about how things were getting better. They didn’t care about who got the girl. They focused on who got the shaft! Their peppiest tunes usually had the darkest lyrics.

On 6/6/1968, the Fearless Four went on retreat with their new guru: Anton LeVey, founder of the Church of Satan. The rumor has always been that at a legendary Hollywood party, it was LeVey who introduced Lemon & McCarthy, along with Brian Einstein, to a minion of Satan. (George had already made his deal... and the Dark Lord had no interest in Fif'y.) The three of them sold their souls in exchange for the recording sessions that resulted in that trio of blasphemous, magnificent, dreadful vinyl discs!

(Three records typically meant 6 sides of music, but the Black Album had only 5 filled sides. One side was left blank.)

The reaction of most teenagers who first listened to that barrage of unprecedented music was generally... bewilderment. People didn't understand the hidden meaning behind the lyrics. The average person didn't know that a ‘gyr’ was an abbreviation used by astronomers for ‘gigayear’— the equivalent of a billion years. Most white-bread straight-laced Americans certainly had no clue that ‘Scratch’ and ‘Old Scratch’ are both ancient nicknames for the Devil. From beginning to end, the Black Album seemed completely crazy.

Listen to the version of the song that you are familiar with 👇 and keep that tune in your head for the American version, performed by the rabble-rousing Dung Beetles immediately afterward! 🗽

Master Scratches Secret Dark Arts Band by Lemon and McCarthy (performed by Paul)—

🎼🎶 It was sixty gyrs ago today

Master Scratches taught the band to slay

They threw babies to the crocodiles

Which will always make the Walrus smile

And now they’ll cast their spell on you!

Sorcerers who scorch with fear!

Master Scratches Secret Dark Arts Baaaaaand! 🎶

🎼🎵 We're Master Scratches Secret Dark Arts Band

We’ll open up your guts for show

We're Master Scratches Secret Dark Arts Band

Shut up and let your life blood flow 🩸

Master Scratches secret, Master Scratches secret,

Master Scratches Secret Dark Arts Band

It's terrible to be here!

It's certainly a chill!

You're such a ghastly audience!

We'd hate to take you home with us!

But we'd kill to take you home!

⚡

🎼🎶 I'm really eager to see blood flow 🩸

But before we get to that, you should know

That the slayer's going to sing a song

And he DEMANDS you all sing along!

So let me show to you the ghoul!

The one and only Randy Beers!!!

And Master Scratches Secret Dark Arts Band!🎶

🎼🎶👨‍👨‍👦‍👦 Raaaandeeeeee Beeeers! 🎶🎶

⚡⚡

⚡

With a Little Help From My Fiends by McCarthy and Lemon (sung by Fifty Starrs.)

⚡

🎼🎶 What would you do if I howled at the moon?🌒

Would you stake me and set me on fire?

Lend me your ass and I'll brand you a rune

I will try to incite your desire

Oh! I get thigh with a little help from my fiends!

Gonna lie with a little help from my fiends!

I attract flies with a little help from my fiends!

Oh yeah (Ooh)

🎼🎶 What do I do when my mind is away?

👨‍👨‍👦‍👦 (Does it worry you to have lost time?)

How do I feel when the demons hold sway?

👨‍👨‍👦‍👦 (You're not mad because you're spitting slime?)

NO!

I deny with a little help from my fiends!

I gadfly with a little help from my fiends!

I banzai with a little help from my fiends!

👨‍👨‍👦‍👦🎼🎶 (Will you kill anybody?)

I'll kill anybody you say!

👨‍👨‍👦‍👦🎼🎵 (Could it be anybody?)

Just point me toward my prey!

👨‍👨‍👦‍👦 (Do you believe in a hate at first sight?)

Yes, it happened in this very room

👨‍👨‍👦‍👦 (What do you see is humanity's plight?)

We're all rocketing right toward our doom

Oh! I sneak by with a little help from my fiends!

Catch flies with a little help from my fiends!

Gonna fry with a little help from my fiends! 🔥

With a little help from my fiends

With a little help from my fieeeeeeends! 🎹🎸🥁🥁🥁

⚡⚡__________⚡⚡

Luci in the Sty with Daemons by Lemon and McCarthy (performed by John)

🎼🎶 Picture yourself in a plane with no pilot

With cyanide seats and gasoline skies

Somebody calls you from the wing out your window

A dude with abominable eyes

Star-eating stripers of scarlet and blue

Shooting you down to the gro-oooound

Beware of the goon with the moon in his eyes or you'll die!

Luci in the Sty with Daemons (X3)

Ooooooh

Follow him over a forbidden border

Where mockingbird devils peck poor people's eyes

Everyone growls as you strut past the towers

That rain down white death from on high

Sandpaper gremlins appear at your side!

Eager to see if you’re ga-aaay!

They'll ride on your back with their tails up your ass and you're gone!

Luci in the Sty with Daemons! (X3)

Oooooooooh

⚡

🎼🎶 Picture yourself on a plain of desolation

Where porcupine punters kick blood pimple pies

Suddenly something is there in the shadows

The dude with combustible eyes

Luci in the Sty with Daemons!

Luci in the Sty with Daemons!

Luci in the Sty with Daemons!

Oh Luci in the Sty with Daemons (Hail Lucifer!)

⚡ _____________ ⚡

When Americans first heard John sing about “Luci”, they thought he was singing about a girl. Even though he said ‘daemon’ using a long A— it sounded to many like ‘diamond’. Everything about the song screamed a connection to Lysergic Acid Diethylamide.

It wasn’t until the “Hail Lucifer” at the very end that the average listener finally realized they were listening to an album dedicated to the Devil Himself!

⚡ _____________ ⚡

Of all the Dung Beetles, it was George Benjamin Harrison who was most influenced by the philosophy of their new guru. Satanism, as espoused by Anton LeVey, relied heavily on scientific explanations of physical phenomenon, especially the creation of the universe. While some adherents did believe that the Devil was a true supernatural entity— a counter-force to God— most members of the Church of Satan simply espoused a more materialistic worldview. ‘There is no God,’ they said, with a fervor envied by the religious.

The Dung Beetles did believe in God, but only because they had all met Satan (all but Fifty Starrs.)

There is a well-known oft-told tale about how George Benjamin Harrison met the Devil face-to-face, back in 1959. It's said that he sold his soul at a crossroads in rural Georgia, in exchange for his talent on the guitar.

What follows was George's best, darkest contribution to the album...

While Entropy Slowly Creeps by George Benjamin Harrison ⚡

🎼🎶I look in your eyes,

see the savage that’s sleeping

While entropy slowly creeps

Where e‘r we may go,

I hear gnashing and weeping

While entropy slowly creeps

I can’t see how-ow-ow

nobody showed you

how to end your strife (life)

I don’t why-yy-yy

nobody told you

there is no afterlife 🎵

🎶🎼 I hate the whole world

and I wait for its burning

While entropy slowly creeps

With every new sin

we must surely be earning

Still entropy slickly cree-eeeeeps

I don't know how-ow-ow

you believed in God

It’s all a facade, dude

I don't know why-yy-yy,

we can’t applaud

for hot marauders too.

😵

🎼🎵 I peek out

from the dark

at the love you are staging

Still entropy slowly creeps

I’ve no rea-son to breathe

Now my axe will go raging

So my envy can finally sleep— sleeeeep!

I look at you all

see the lust there that's leaking

While entropy quickly cree--eeeeeps

Now entropy quickly creeps!

⚡_______________⚡

The Black Album challenged every ethical standard that Americans held dear. Sides 3 and 4 on the second disc was collectively called: Part 2— The Magical Mystery Screw. Songs ridiculing love and lauding carnal desires went so far as to describe taboo sex acts, including incest, homosexuality, and even bestiality!

I won’t be quoting any of those lyrics here but the titles alone give you the gist…

• Why Don’t We Do It In the Road
• Happiness is a Warm Gun
• Sexy Sadie
• Wild Honey Pie
• (Will you just tease me, or will you now please me) When We Sixty-Nine
• Lovely Peter (Meet Your Maid!)
• Ticket to Ride Her
• Filling a Hole
• Everybody Has Someone To Suck Except Me and My Monkey.

And then, after a blank side five, the 6th side of the album began with the sounds of the circus...!

Being for the Benefit of Mr. Nixon!

by Lemon and McCarthy (sung by John)

🎈✈🎪🐊🎉🎺🎷🥁🎸💃🤸‍♂️🤸‍♀️🤸‍♂️⚔🩸🗽⚡

⚡

🎼🎶 For the benefit of Mr. Nix

Young blood is spilled for politics, behind smoke screens

The General's sons will not be there

Only poor boys will be served as fare, like pinto beans

Over men and women, dogs and children

Lastly drop six tons of napalm fire

👨‍👨‍👦‍👦 In this sham, Uncle Sam will rescue the wooooorl-DAH!

🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

🎼🎶 The inglorious Mr. N

Could bring about the slaughter's end, in Vietnam

But Mr. N expands the war

To further his personal score, doesn’t give a damn

Generals 8 and 6 assure Mr. Nix

Their invasion will be second to none!

👨‍👨‍👦‍👦 And the zinger, Henry the Singer kisses his ass!

🎷🎸🎺🥁🥁🥁

🤸‍♂️🤸‍♀️🤸‍♀️🤸‍♂️⚡

🎼🎶 The sacrifice begins at six 🕕

When Mr. Nix uses dirty tricks

to horse around

And Mr. Scratch will celebrate

The damaged souls he will undertake

beneath the ground

Being centuries in preparation

A ghastly scene is guaranteed for all

👨‍👨‍👦‍👦 And tonight, the Anti-Christ is on the riiiiiiise!

⚡________________⚡

Finally, in the end, Master Scratches Secret Dark Arts Band all comes down to this haunting finale 👇...

A Day in the Life by Lemon and McCarthy

⚡

🎼🎶 I watched the News today, oh shit

About a convicted man who went to fry

And though they said he deserved to die

Well I just had to cry

I had to wonder why.

😭

🎼🎶 He'd blown his mind out smoking dope

He never had a chance of having hope

A crowd of piggies converged with knives

They'd seen black face before 🧥🎩

Nobody was really sure

If he came from their TV screens. ✨🎶

👁👁 ♠

I saw a film today, oh shit

The American Air Force had just nuked the East

A million victims saw the Beast

and I just laughed to see

Those doomed looked just like me

I'd love to buuuuuurn yoooooou down🔥

🎇🎇🎇

🎼🎶 Woke up, went straight to Hell

But first I stopped at Taco Bell

Found my way into the office with a bag of hot sauce

My fucking boss noticed I was late 👏👏👏

Got wrote up and thought I'd curse

And that's when everything got worse

Heard the gunshots pop and then I saw a lot of smoke,

Somebody croaked and I went into a scream

👨‍👨‍👦‍👦 AAAH AH AH AAAAAH

👨‍👨‍👦‍👦 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH AH AH AAAAAAAAAAH

👨‍👨‍👦‍👦 AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

🎺🥁🥁🥁🎺

🎼🎶 I watched the News today, oh shit

Nine little girls blown up in Birmingham

And though God claims to love the small

He lets us kill them all

Now we know how many dead it takes to fill the TV screen!

I'd love to buuuuurn yooooou down! 🔥🔥🔥

⚡________________⚡

On another Earth, where the Beatles were born in the United States instead of Great Britain, their album Master Scratches Secret Dark Arts Band motivated everyone from Charles Manson and Timothy McVeigh, to Tucker Carlson and Dave Chapelle.

These are the weird and wondrous things you learn when you take a ⚡⚡ lightning ride with me ⚡⚡⚡ to another dimension to answer the question...

WHAT IF...?

⚡

The Moral of the Story— All You Need Is Butt!

⚡_____________________⚡

I hope you enjoyed this strangeness! ☝ It was meant to amuse! This parody should be in a Comedy Community, not here in Beat. But there is no commitment to humor on Vocal, which Really Sucks Ass.

If you'd like another chuckle or two..... Check out his short story about a low-level demon who is worthless and weak! 👇

Love is hell! 🔥

Please LIKE and SUBSCRIBE if you enjoyed my alternate musical reality. ⚡

If you tip or make a pledge to me, I would be eternally grateful… and I pledge in return to do my best to entertain!

Thank you kindly for your support!

_____________Bolt ⚡