You ever just get a feeling that something is wrong. That things are going on behind your back. That’s how I felt and that’s how I always felt. I must say the way that I went about finding the truth may make me seem crazy, although I had a right to find out the truth.
Yes, you are reading that correctly. I was raped. There is no simpler way to put it. It’s something you can’t sugar coat, and make it seem even a little bit okay. Well technically, in better words I like to say I got taken advantage of, or how others say 'I got date raped.' For starters, I’m fine now, and I’ve accepted it. I am comfortable with talking about it now.
My first time having sex was very odd honestly. I don’t know if it normal to try to have sex for the first time while on your period. My boyfriend and I had been together for a couple months now. I was a virgin and he wasn’t, he had had sex with other girls before and he was very experienced. I on the other had had only kissed one other guy before dating him. That was all I had done before I was with him, just kissed. I loved my boyfriend very much, in fact he was my first love. I had talked dirty to guys before but I had never done anything beyond that. I knew I was ready to have sex with him, but I just wanted to find the right time to. We were never really alone together. I was 15 and he was 17, he was in a way my first boyfriend. All the other ones before him didn’t count because we never went out or saw each other other than at school. I finally decided that it was time for us to just go ahead and have sex, but I suddenly started my period. That wasn’t going to stop me though.
I used to smoke a lot. I remember the first time I smoked. It was a bad experience. I went with a group of friends to this weird abandoned park. I had never been there, but I followed them there in my car because I had to go home after. I know—stupid idea to smoke for the first time then go home.
Every since I started high school, I felt as though there was something wrong with me. I felt like I was always on the edge of falling apart. I was scared to go out and do things with others. I was afraid to get close to others in the fear of them ending up leaving me. When I did start to engage with others it seemed as though it was getting worse. I got involved in a relationship with my current boyfriend my freshman year, and things were going fine for me at first then I started becoming more and more anxious. I felt as though I was going crazy. I still think I could be crazy today.
I wanted to surprise him, he had been working so hard. We just moved into our first home together, and I wanted him to have a nice little surprise. I went out and bought his favorite food and went to Victoria Secret for something sexy for dessert. I made his favorite meal, chicken stir fry, Angry Orchard for him and red wine for me. I dimmed the lights in the kitchen. He came home at just the right time when I had finished everything. We sat and ate our meal as he helped me clean the dishes, and as he went into the living room to watch TV; I slipped into our bedroom and changed into a maroon, lace bodysuit. I put on my black heels and draped my black kimono around my body.