marion scott
Bio
I am a single mom and have a business I have slowly started working towards launching and successfully maintaining. I am 32 and I have 5 kids. I love writing and have over a dozen projects in the works at the moment. Check out my page!
Stories (22/0)
"The Road We Travel"
In my recent article, "The Truth of Being a Survivor" I spoke about what it means to me to be a survivor. This has been put to the test this past week which pushed my internal boundaries and brought up many memories of what I went through. So I would like to say to anyone reading this, "it is never ok to abuse someone. It is not your fault if they do. No matter what they say you did not deserve it and there is no excuse for it." I saved myself and was able to escape my abuser. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and definitely the scariest. I can honestly say leaving the situation creates an insurmountable fear inside of you that keeps you numb to the pain and almost too paralyzed to leave. I endured for 5 years before I finally found the strength to escape from it. For the past 2 years, I have been "free from the situation" but I have not truly been free. The memories haunt me. The flashbacks threaten to drown out the present. And along with these is a nagging type of paranoia. "Am I truly safe?" "Will he find me?" "What happens if he does find me?" It takes a long time to practice telling yourself you are safe and they cannot come after you. But what about the abusers who still are given access to us? Parents or family members, who are not restricted from us? What happens to those of us who can only improve on our situation, but are never actually saved? How do we overcome our fear? How do we find a sense of safety? I do not have the answers to any of these questions. I am still working on how to do this for myself and for my children. But I do know this, it is absolutely vital to the healing process that we have a safe environment. That means being safe physically, emotionally, mentally, and psychologically. All of these create an environment in which we can design a semblance of safety, for ourselves and others. For my children and me, this means talking about our experience and not hiding it. For me especially, I need to vocalize what I went through in order to heal from it. Hiding the details does not promote healing inside. So tonight, I wish to share my last and most recent abusive situation with my ex-husband. While I was visiting his family in another state, I was denied the ability to speak with my oldest son for months on end. I did not hear from him or see him and I began to worry about him. My ex-husband made a joke one night that if something happened to him and he died, his dad likely would not tell me since we weren't on speaking terms. While I did not believe him at first, I looked into it and when I called the state that my son was currently living in, I was told by the records department they did indeed have a child who was the same age as my son who had passed away recently. In order to determine if it was my son, I had to send a copy of his social and birth certificate and the city he lived in. It took 3 grueling months before I received an answer: it did not match the deceased child. This was the night after my ex-husband assaulted me and I broke down calling my son's dad and demanding to speak with him. My son got on the phone and the moment he said hello to me I cannot explain the amount of relief that flooded through me. I burst into tears, trying to hide it from him. This is the same son who has not been with me for the past 6 years and I cannot begin to say how much pain this has caused me and how much I miss him every moment of every day. The emotional torture of this particular instance is not one I share easily, but tonight I feel like I need to finally get it off my chest and speak about it. I know I am not the only one who has experienced something as traumatic and manipulating as this. Abusers will literally say and do anything to hurt us. It is up to us to pave the way to healing and find our way out of the darkness. For me, that road is me fighting for my son, no matter how that may look. It is finding small ways to help all of us feel safe and always know that we are loved. It is talking about what we went through. It is finding the courage to find that fear and overcome it. Tonight, I feel like a weight has been lifted off and I will continue to fight. Every moment of every day, I will fight. Tonight, I feel brave inside. Tonight this is who I am.
By marion scott3 years ago in Families
The Truth of Being a Survivor
A few weeks ago my older brother recommended for me to start a writing project- which would be writing something small to myself every day in a journal, something good to focus on every day. While I was doing this, I came across many things which helped define the difference between acting like a victim and being a survivor. After my last article and a long late-night conversation with one of my girlfriends, I have come to the realization of what it means to be a survivor. It's more than the physical scars which heal, but still haunt us. They include the mental, emotional, and psychological scars which slowly heal also, but are just as haunting at times. Being a survivor means the struggle is in the moment. This week has been a good week and a reminder that being a survivor doesn't mean that every moment of every day is hard, but simply that there ARE moments when it is hard. In these moments, it throws you back into the memory of what happened, and you see it not like a memory but a distorted version of movie clips, and with it the emotions that occurred at that moment. You feel them again as if it's happening in the present. The important thing when this occurs is to tell yourself that it's not the present, but it WAS the past. For 6 years I have not had my oldest son living with me and when I lost temporary custody of him, I truly felt like part of me was dying and mourning for him. It has been 6 years and in all that time, I found comfort in the idea that he was at least safe with his dad and was spared the emotional, psychological, and mental trauma and abuse that we endured and survived. Tonight my heart is absolutely breaking for my son at the realization this has never been the case and he too is a survivor just like us. The pain a mother feels is not one that is easily consolable or erased. As mothers, we feel it deep in our heart and soul. It is a raw, unnerving pain disguised as a monster who is there to hurt us, ripping its way from the inside out. If we do not fight, that monster will win. If we do not talk about our pain, that monster wins. Tonight is one of the moments when it is hard and painful, but only for this moment. I know when I wake up in the morning, I will have made it through the night, I will have made it through this moment and survived. Being a survivor is a constant battle and an exhausting one at that. Some weeks the triggers and the pain can be overwhelming, while others are on a smaller scale and are easier to get through, remind yourself to breathe and find your way out of the darkness. For that is all it is: a battle being fought with a monster in the dark, and every day that we wake up we have successfully stood our ground and told that monster: "No more, I will not let you pass."
By marion scott3 years ago in Humans
The Journey of a Lifetime
A few months ago, I came home from a long day and found out that my landlady had decided to kick us out. We were given 30 days notice, not nearly enough time to still work and keep my household afloat, especially working 3 jobs, doing my best to stay on top of my schoolwork at night and still take care of my kids. I have noticed a pattern in the past couple months. Being a survivor of domestic violence and abuse still feels like a struggle at times. Losing one of my jobs recently and immediately having had to replace it to not lose the income, and losing my house at the same time, seems to have pushed me to a mental point where I honestly cannot handle even talking to anyone about it. I hear the same thing from everyone when I try to explain how it makes me feel, the fact that my abusive ex-husband always had a job and house over our heads, and somehow no matter how hard I work right now, I feel like I am failing at even this task for my kids. They do not understand why we cannot go "home", as it is not our home anymore. No one talks about the lingering effects of surviving. No one warns you of the mental battles you will fight, or how in some moments when everything keeps piling up, you will compare yourself to the person who abused you. "How do they manage to do the simplest of these tasks in life, while at the same time leading a double life?" "How can they do these tasks, yet it seems like we can't?" The pain is real. The memories that it brings forth make it feel like it is happening all over again. Tonight when I came home, I had to come outside so my kids do not see me cry and falling apart. I want to be strong for them, and I am trying so hard. Yet, it feels like I am carrying such a heavy burden and now its plowing me down into the ground, and I lack the strength to get up, let alone move. No one warns you of the days when things will physically feel too hard to do and get done, or that it will feel like you are trudging through mud. No one speaks of the emotions that even the smallest things will trigger or even what to do when it happens. For me, I have struggled all my life with this. My go-to is to always shut people out and not talk about it- but instead to just ignore it and pretend it never happened in the first place, or to drink away my emotions about the pain and to try my best to numb out that pain. The past month has physically put me through a lot. Due to physical health concerns, I will no longer be able to consume any alcohol in my lifetime. Mentally, this has been an adjustment and a wake-up call. I do not have the opportunity to numb out the pain or escape from the memories. I have no choice now but to deal with it and accept what has happened. To work on the trauma is truly daunting and physically hurts. I know I need to be strong for myself, for my children, for my family, and for my friends. I feel I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and the stress is eating away at me. In this world of painful memories, I feel trapped and unable to escape. In truth, I know this is temporary and I will heal from it. But I am impatient to get to the finish line. I am tired of the stress and the pain and the flashbacks. More than anything, I am tired of feeling alone on this journey.I feel unsure that I will ever conquer this monster who plagues my dreams and haunts my memories on a daily basis. In the past, I have written articles for my movement I AM ME. Tonight I feel vulnerable, scared, and incredibly alone. Tonight, this is me. No matter my emotions, I am still ME.
By marion scott3 years ago in Psyche
Family is a choice
My entire life has always been a battle between my family and me. I was never the quiet, gracious young lady my siblings and my mom wanted me to be. Growing up, my household was very loud, as far from gracious and quiet as you could get, so to me it's no wonder I became a loud, boisterous person. Growing up I had 2 out of 8 siblings who would even talk to me. To the rest-I was quite literally invisible and had no existence. I was not talked to or included in anything and often snubbed because of my age and later in life my choices when I unexpectedly became a mom at 16. I have struggled for years with the questions of "why do they hate me so much?" "why do they pretend I don't exist?" and "why do they talk badly about a sister they never see or talk to?". A year and half ago, I finally was cut free from my violent, abusive ex-husband-finally able to save myself and my kids from more harm. Yet, this is the moment my siblings chose to ask, in my opinion the stupidest question of all time. "Why didn't you just leave? It's not that hard." For years, I have suppressed the urge to snap back, "well when I have no siblings who actually care what happens to me and my kids, just where did you think we were supposed to go?" Well the past few months, it has repeatedly come to my attention that my siblings have been making comments to my parents and my friends, that my choices in life have been all wrong, that I need to grow up and just be that gracious, quiet young lady and everything in my life would be great. Yeah, as if life was that simple. They have not ever known or cared of the burdens I carry or the pain I deal with every day. Yesterday, my blood aunt told me I was a horrible mom, who lacked the basic skills in cleaning (thanks aunty for calling me stupid), and told me I needed to take responsibility for what happened with my ex-husband and stop trying to blame him and everyone else for what happened. I have never felt so lonely, and hurt, or unloved and humiliated all at the same time. I came home and spent 2 days crying, wishing I had a different family who showed understanding and compassion. My dad adopted me when I was 3 years old. He is not my blood dad, but he is every bit my father as one can be. He has always stood by me and cared for me, helping me and my children and right now he is the only family I feel I have. Essentially, I have created a group of family members who are more like my sisters and brothers and grandparents, than any of my blood siblings will ever be. The pain, however, that it has caused inside has erupted like a volcano and I cannot ignore it any longer. I have to completely draw a boundary with my blood siblings that I no longer wish for them to have any part of my life going forward. Their treatment of me has sprinkled on down to my own children-being treated as if they are outcasts and invisible as well. I have learned that sometimes family we are born to can be more toxic than any people we meet out in the world and sometimes it is ok to let go of those relationships-despite how difficult and painful it is. Moving forward in my life, I need those who will love me and my children, support us when things are hard and not constantly tell us to change who we are so we can be the perfect vision of who they want us to be. I am sure there are countless others who have experienced this same type of environment and I am writing tonight to say that you are not alone, it is ok to move on in life without these toxic relationships and always remember family is not who we are born to: it's who we find in life that we would die for. My top list of candidates for this: my Dad, my best friend, 4 of my blood siblings, my adopted grandparents, and all of my children. These are my true family and those I would gladly take a bullet for. Just remember who you are and don't compromise that for ANYONE. I won't because I AM ME.
By marion scott3 years ago in Families
Bittersweet Tomorrows
For those of you who have not read my previous articles, I had the scare of my life Christmas Eve- a possible breast cancer diagnosis. Tomorrow, I will be going in for my mammogram to check out the hard lumps which have grown at an alarmingly quick pace. Today I am feeling scared and worried, unable to anticipate the results of tomorrow. Throughout my life, one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn is letting go when I have no control over how something will turn out. In my search to connect with others who have experienced trauma or abuse in their lives, I have realized we all share many common characteristics, but the one that stands out the most is our inability to control the things around us and the affect it has on us. I have come to accept that I am unable to change the results of tomorrow-that is not something I control. What I can is to lean on those who will help me through it, whether I have a really long road fighting cancer, or it is simply a surgical procedure to fix the growth. I can make sure that my kids are provided for, with loving, caring people who will honor my wishes. I can surround myself with those who can help me or support us all through this, and draw a boundary for those who will not. In the past 2 weeks, I have come to find out who will truly be there to help me through this, the people who have shown up for me and been there. But I have also found the ones who will not, those who simply revealed how they truly feel towards my children and myself. I am not so worried about the diagnosis itself, as I know I could get through it-no matter how exhausting and daunting that particular journey may be. What has kept me awake with worry is one simple fact: How would it affect my children? With that, I decided to do everything I can-the things in my control- to make sure they have the best outcome possible (within my control). I no longer look at them wanting to cry because of the painful outcome that MAY be, but rather I hold on to them and make new memories, ones that will stand out and hold them up. We spend our days playing hide and seek, minecraft in real person time, Movie nights with mom (and all the fixings of course, which in our household includes pizza, twizzlers, and other snacks), and mattress surfing down the stairs. No matter the diagnosis tomorrow, I have realized that is what is truly the most important. Making new, beautiful memories with my children, that they will remember and carry with them. I should draw the distinction that with this, I have not thrown out the rules of my house that have always been there. Those remain in place, but I have simply made more time and been more involved with their playtime than I have recently. They are my rocks, my center in the universe that reassure me that everything in life will be alright. I can handle what comes our way. After all, I have survived much worse and so have they. Now it is our turn to be happy in life! That happiness is ours to seize, and develop, together. These beautiful gifts that I have been blessed with are the very reason I live and breathe. They are my everything! I know they will prove to be my strength tomorrow as well-no matter what I find out, I can get through it as long as I have them. Their beautiful smiles, the joy in their laughter, and seeing their faces when they say "I love you Mommy," throughout my day- these are the moments that design my road in life. This is true love at its finest. No love will ever be as strong or faithful as that of a mother and her child.
By marion scott3 years ago in Families
Christmas Heartbreak and Hope
Christmas is a time of joy and giving, a time for happiness and miracles to happen. This Christmas Eve, however, my whole world came crashing down when I found out I have a small lump in my breast and after the New Year will be going in to be screened for Inflammation Breast Cancer. When I got the news, I stood staring at my phone, numb in shock and wanting to cry. I felt an overwhelming fear fill every part of my being. I stared at my children's presents through tears, knowing they needed to be wrapped, but feeling too numb and scared to do so. I knew I had to get through the night and make sure that their Christmas was not affected by this news. It took me nearly 6.5 hours to find the strength to move and wrap their presents from Santa. I have 5 children, ranging from 13 down to a 2 year old. My whole life I have always joked with my friends and family that I would die young. My whole life it has been my biggest fear. As the news hit me last night, all the possibilities- good and bad- came flooding in; i realized I was not afraid of the cancer itself or going through it. I survived being held hostage as someones wife, badly abused, beaten and raped for 5 years. I got this! But the reality that I may not live to see all my children grow up- that fear is one I cannot seem to squash. It is one that haunts me every time I look at them now. All I see is the possibility that in the future I may not be here with them. My heart breaks for them and I have spent all morning crying. I am constantly nauseated and my breast hurts. More than that, I want all of them to have a wonderful, bright future- a future I have always wanted to be a part of and see. I want to be a grandmother, and watch how their lives unfold and what careers they choose- to see if they pick what they tell me from the time they can talk or if they choose something else. I am a single mom, and my relationship with my siblings is strained at best. A few months ago, my doctor was concerned about the pain in my breast and I was supposed to get a mammogram. The fear of what they might find won out and I chickened out. I refused to go to the appointment, brushing it off as something that was not a reality. My siblings were less than comforting and helpful, stating I was being a drama queen- which is why now, 3 months later, with the reality being much stronger, I have decided to keep this from certain people in my life. I am writing to anyone out there today who has experienced something similar, or who has gone through this themselves- to get my voice heard, and maybe receive support and understanding. The darkness that now looms in my life, threatens every moment. I do not want my children experiencing this and I want to keep it from them as long as I can. I am struggling today to be filled with joy and hope for the new year with them. I feel the need to draw them close and never let them out of my sight- fearing I may not have that opportunity later. I know I need to move past it for them and make the most of my time with them- to let them know how much they are loved. But even knowing that this is what I must do, I cannot find a way past my fear and anxiety, the overwhelming numbness that now fills me with every moment. I watch my children playing, using their imagination and I am filled with pride and love for them. I am praying for a miraculous outcome-that they caught it in time, that I will survive it- so I am asking any and all readers to also pray with me.
By marion scott4 years ago in Families
I am a Survivor.
I am a single mom of 5 kids. I have 2 jobs, attend studies at a university full time and am working to launch my own business. I am 30 years old and I have been a single mom from the age of 16. My children are the light at the end of the tunnel- of whom without I never could have survived what I have up until now. This is my story.
By marion scott4 years ago in Humans
I AM ME MOVEMENT
I am a single mom of 5 beautiful children and I turned 30 years old last week. For the past 5 years, my children and I were the victims of physical, psychological, sexual, mental, emotional and financial abuse from my ex-husband. As a result, I decided to start what I am calling the "I am me" movement, to empower those who have left abusive relationships or those who may need the strength to get away. I am human and I feel like anyone does. If you cut me, do I not bleed? Yes I do. If you hit me, the bruises may not appear on the outside, but they are there on the inside.
By marion scott4 years ago in Motivation
The Wisdom of a Single Mom
So this week one of the most prevalent subjects between my friends and I, has been the utter chaos of putting our kids to bed on time. For years, this has been a struggle. Not just for myself, as I mistakenly believed, but for all parents. Imagine my joy at finding out I am not the only mother who after wrestling with the horrid, mundane routine of fighting with my kids to stay in bed, and giving in to extra tv time or tablet time just so they stay in bed, only to have them stay up an extra 3 hours. Last week, I decided I had reached my breaking point. I was too stressed, too moody and out of my element. I felt like I was failing my kids and myself. So, I sat down one night and reached out on Facebook to other moms and some of my friends, about what their kids bedtime ritual looked like sometimes. And so was born the greatest week of my life! I actually love bedtime with my kids now. I can schedule work and class assignments around it. Armed with this extremely important information, I feel, no-I know, I must share it with all parents. I know that everyone has different schedules or routines for their kids and it may need to be adjusted for your particular lifestyle.
By marion scott4 years ago in Families
The Diary of a Single Mom
I am a single mom of 5 children, with two full time jobs and I attend a university online. This year when I found out that my expected graduation date was in December 2020 I did a very clumsy, happy dance in my kitchen. My son, who is almost 10, noticing my incredibly stupid and dorky reaction to whatever I had just read on the computer, looks up from his tablet and says, "ok ill bite mom. Why you so excited?" I turned to him and said, "Because I will be graduating at Christmas this year!" He turns back to his tablet, but not before saying, "well its about time mom." I tried not to take offense to this since I knew he didn't mean it in a spiteful way and in his defense I have spent the past 11.5 years in school-switching my major after 2.5 years and then nearly starting over completely for the 3rd time 5 years ago. My kids are my life and sometimes they crack me up with the things they say. Other times they frustrate me to no end. I feel like the most bi-polar mom on the planet, until I call my best friend. The conversation goes something like this. "So I need to vent about this stupid experience I had this week." In between our 15 minute phone call, we will both have yelled at our kids nearly a thousand times, to "stop picking on your brother" or "I already told you to go play in your room!" or "We don't sit on the baby!" and then there's my personal favorite with my toddler lately, "Stop farting near the baby! It's making him cry!" Some days I feel like my hair is falling out faster than my granny's and my kids love to tease me about getting old. My knees creak like old stairs in an abandoned house. I am so clumsy I pop my hip out of place climbing up the stairs in our house and I am constantly complaining of aches and pains. As if that wasn't bad enough, my mood swings are higher than the rides at the fair. Now here I should clarify-THESE ARE NOT THE HORMONAL MOOD SWINGS WOMEN HAVE. These are the "I have told you 5 times already to pick up your nasty smelling socks that are worse than the trash can smell and put them in your dirty clothes hamper" type of mood swings. They are the "Stop hitting your brother please. I said stop hitting your brother. That's not nice. SERIOUSLY?? STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER!!" type of mood swings. And I have come to the conclusion that my kids have made a pact: to never let me sleep, one of them always has to be on guard and it's actually entertaining when mom has to repeat things, but when she blows her top, duck in cover! I actually think, that my kids do this on purpose. Kids are smarter than anyone gives them credit for. They are like sponges on speed, with the energy to match and I am so jealous. I can't even harness 10% of that energy on my best days, that is until I drink my 3rd cup of coffee for the day, eat at least my baby's weight in donuts for breakfast and then have to take a nap in the afternoon because of how exhausted how I am, at just merely mothering. But through it all, I'd never change one minute of it. So that's me in a nutshell. Hope you enjoyed reading my introduction and catching a glimpse into my life. If you are a mom, I hope you enjoyed reading this and were able to relate to part of it, if not most.
By marion scott4 years ago in Families