Family is a choice

My entire life has always been a battle between my family and me. I was never the quiet, gracious young lady my siblings and my mom wanted me to be. Growing up, my household was very loud, as far from gracious and quiet as you could get, so to me it's no wonder I became a loud, boisterous person. Growing up I had 2 out of 8 siblings who would even talk to me. To the rest-I was quite literally invisible and had no existence. I was not talked to or included in anything and often snubbed because of my age and later in life my choices when I unexpectedly became a mom at 16. I have struggled for years with the questions of "why do they hate me so much?" "why do they pretend I don't exist?" and "why do they talk badly about a sister they never see or talk to?". A year and half ago, I finally was cut free from my violent, abusive ex-husband-finally able to save myself and my kids from more harm. Yet, this is the moment my siblings chose to ask, in my opinion the stupidest question of all time. "Why didn't you just leave? It's not that hard." For years, I have suppressed the urge to snap back, "well when I have no siblings who actually care what happens to me and my kids, just where did you think we were supposed to go?" Well the past few months, it has repeatedly come to my attention that my siblings have been making comments to my parents and my friends, that my choices in life have been all wrong, that I need to grow up and just be that gracious, quiet young lady and everything in my life would be great. Yeah, as if life was that simple. They have not ever known or cared of the burdens I carry or the pain I deal with every day. Yesterday, my blood aunt told me I was a horrible mom, who lacked the basic skills in cleaning (thanks aunty for calling me stupid), and told me I needed to take responsibility for what happened with my ex-husband and stop trying to blame him and everyone else for what happened. I have never felt so lonely, and hurt, or unloved and humiliated all at the same time. I came home and spent 2 days crying, wishing I had a different family who showed understanding and compassion. My dad adopted me when I was 3 years old. He is not my blood dad, but he is every bit my father as one can be. He has always stood by me and cared for me, helping me and my children and right now he is the only family I feel I have. Essentially, I have created a group of family members who are more like my sisters and brothers and grandparents, than any of my blood siblings will ever be. The pain, however, that it has caused inside has erupted like a volcano and I cannot ignore it any longer. I have to completely draw a boundary with my blood siblings that I no longer wish for them to have any part of my life going forward. Their treatment of me has sprinkled on down to my own children-being treated as if they are outcasts and invisible as well. I have learned that sometimes family we are born to can be more toxic than any people we meet out in the world and sometimes it is ok to let go of those relationships-despite how difficult and painful it is. Moving forward in my life, I need those who will love me and my children, support us when things are hard and not constantly tell us to change who we are so we can be the perfect vision of who they want us to be. I am sure there are countless others who have experienced this same type of environment and I am writing tonight to say that you are not alone, it is ok to move on in life without these toxic relationships and always remember family is not who we are born to: it's who we find in life that we would die for. My top list of candidates for this: my Dad, my best friend, 4 of my blood siblings, my adopted grandparents, and all of my children. These are my true family and those I would gladly take a bullet for. Just remember who you are and don't compromise that for ANYONE. I won't because I AM ME.