For those of you who have not read my previous articles, I had the scare of my life Christmas Eve- a possible breast cancer diagnosis. Tomorrow, I will be going in for my mammogram to check out the hard lumps which have grown at an alarmingly quick pace. Today I am feeling scared and worried, unable to anticipate the results of tomorrow. Throughout my life, one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn is letting go when I have no control over how something will turn out. In my search to connect with others who have experienced trauma or abuse in their lives, I have realized we all share many common characteristics, but the one that stands out the most is our inability to control the things around us and the affect it has on us. I have come to accept that I am unable to change the results of tomorrow-that is not something I control. What I can is to lean on those who will help me through it, whether I have a really long road fighting cancer, or it is simply a surgical procedure to fix the growth. I can make sure that my kids are provided for, with loving, caring people who will honor my wishes. I can surround myself with those who can help me or support us all through this, and draw a boundary for those who will not. In the past 2 weeks, I have come to find out who will truly be there to help me through this, the people who have shown up for me and been there. But I have also found the ones who will not, those who simply revealed how they truly feel towards my children and myself. I am not so worried about the diagnosis itself, as I know I could get through it-no matter how exhausting and daunting that particular journey may be. What has kept me awake with worry is one simple fact: How would it affect my children? With that, I decided to do everything I can-the things in my control- to make sure they have the best outcome possible (within my control). I no longer look at them wanting to cry because of the painful outcome that MAY be, but rather I hold on to them and make new memories, ones that will stand out and hold them up. We spend our days playing hide and seek, minecraft in real person time, Movie nights with mom (and all the fixings of course, which in our household includes pizza, twizzlers, and other snacks), and mattress surfing down the stairs. No matter the diagnosis tomorrow, I have realized that is what is truly the most important. Making new, beautiful memories with my children, that they will remember and carry with them. I should draw the distinction that with this, I have not thrown out the rules of my house that have always been there. Those remain in place, but I have simply made more time and been more involved with their playtime than I have recently. They are my rocks, my center in the universe that reassure me that everything in life will be alright. I can handle what comes our way. After all, I have survived much worse and so have they. Now it is our turn to be happy in life! That happiness is ours to seize, and develop, together. These beautiful gifts that I have been blessed with are the very reason I live and breathe. They are my everything! I know they will prove to be my strength tomorrow as well-no matter what I find out, I can get through it as long as I have them. Their beautiful smiles, the joy in their laughter, and seeing their faces when they say "I love you Mommy," throughout my day- these are the moments that design my road in life. This is true love at its finest. No love will ever be as strong or faithful as that of a mother and her child.
About the Creator
marion scott
I am a single mom and have a business I have slowly started working towards launching and successfully maintaining. I am 32 and I have 5 kids. I love writing and have over a dozen projects in the works at the moment. Check out my page!
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Christmas Heartbreak and Hope
Christmas is a time of joy and giving, a time for happiness and miracles to happen. This Christmas Eve, however, my whole world came crashing down when I found out I have a small lump in my breast and after the New Year will be going in to be screened for Inflammation Breast Cancer. When I got the news, I stood staring at my phone, numb in shock and wanting to cry. I felt an overwhelming fear fill every part of my being. I stared at my children's presents through tears, knowing they needed to be wrapped, but feeling too numb and scared to do so. I knew I had to get through the night and make sure that their Christmas was not affected by this news. It took me nearly 6.5 hours to find the strength to move and wrap their presents from Santa. I have 5 children, ranging from 13 down to a 2 year old. My whole life I have always joked with my friends and family that I would die young. My whole life it has been my biggest fear. As the news hit me last night, all the possibilities- good and bad- came flooding in; i realized I was not afraid of the cancer itself or going through it. I survived being held hostage as someones wife, badly abused, beaten and raped for 5 years. I got this! But the reality that I may not live to see all my children grow up- that fear is one I cannot seem to squash. It is one that haunts me every time I look at them now. All I see is the possibility that in the future I may not be here with them. My heart breaks for them and I have spent all morning crying. I am constantly nauseated and my breast hurts. More than that, I want all of them to have a wonderful, bright future- a future I have always wanted to be a part of and see. I want to be a grandmother, and watch how their lives unfold and what careers they choose- to see if they pick what they tell me from the time they can talk or if they choose something else. I am a single mom, and my relationship with my siblings is strained at best. A few months ago, my doctor was concerned about the pain in my breast and I was supposed to get a mammogram. The fear of what they might find won out and I chickened out. I refused to go to the appointment, brushing it off as something that was not a reality. My siblings were less than comforting and helpful, stating I was being a drama queen- which is why now, 3 months later, with the reality being much stronger, I have decided to keep this from certain people in my life. I am writing to anyone out there today who has experienced something similar, or who has gone through this themselves- to get my voice heard, and maybe receive support and understanding. The darkness that now looms in my life, threatens every moment. I do not want my children experiencing this and I want to keep it from them as long as I can. I am struggling today to be filled with joy and hope for the new year with them. I feel the need to draw them close and never let them out of my sight- fearing I may not have that opportunity later. I know I need to move past it for them and make the most of my time with them- to let them know how much they are loved. But even knowing that this is what I must do, I cannot find a way past my fear and anxiety, the overwhelming numbness that now fills me with every moment. I watch my children playing, using their imagination and I am filled with pride and love for them. I am praying for a miraculous outcome-that they caught it in time, that I will survive it- so I am asking any and all readers to also pray with me.
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