Motivated Jewish stoner with a healthy appetite for humor, perversion, & a side of hippity dippity.
Dear Mary, I love you Jane.
Dear Mary, I miss you, my Jane. I was your Tarzan. Swinging from stem to stem. I can feel every fast beat in my heart. You were my best friend for 13 years. There in the morning, there in the evening - you were there when I was sad, mad, happy and it wasnt just a fade. Tummy pain, head aches and god damn I was so vein. I took you for granted. You took me for a ride. Yeah, I miss you, my Jane. You made me smile, you made me mellow, you made me cry and now I'm melted jello. Sticky and icky in all the wrong places, I can't believe you could do this right to my many faces. We were the realest. We were the champs. We went for a ride and I almost died. How could you? I've never been an adult without you by my side. Now I can't do anything but hide. My go to. My buddy. My a.m. p.m. all day, every day, crazy kinda love. It's gross how much I still love and want you when you've betraywd me. You healed me for so long only to destroy me. How could you? I asked already but I have to ask again & again. Why? I was good to you. Too good to you. Too in love. Too infatuated. How could you? I was faithful, you stayed through thick and thin - never did I think we'd end up feeling like an empty bin. My love, my joy, my partner - I miss you, my Jane. 13 years you were my all, my everything, my way too much. Why did I have to abuse you and use you as such a crutch? Two in one thousand daily smokers and here we are. Staring at a half a pound of you, as I wither to barely anything at all. I can't even touch you. You're killing me. I quit you 10 days ago and all I can think is, how!? Why?! How could I have not known you could do this to me? How could I be this engulfed yet so far off course? I miss you, but I cant have you and it feels like I've been kicked by a horse. You're no good for me anymore and it hurts me to my core. Vomitting and hot flashes, why couldn't I just be apart of the masses. Night sweats and the scale is going down. There's nothing left to me, no not much at all. Panic attacks and breathing techniques - I know I've reached my peak. But, I'll remember you fondly. You were there when I was fondled. Every friend's dad, every teacher, every, "friend", every wink, every "you wanted it" and every slipped hand. Every. Time. Every asshole. Every bitch. Every time I had a twitch. How can we be here? How can this be my reality? They say there are five stages of grief and I cant even handle getting you out of me. I can't even get to accept that I have to grieve at all. It feels silly and stupid. I didnt do anything else, just you, my all. Never a line, bump, pill or whatever else is in their pockets - I stayed with you and now we can never be and my heart feels like a rocket. You've destroyed my body, and I can't understand it. Hospital visits and groggy phone calls - we did ourselves in and there's no hope to us so here I bawl. Seems so small when you look at it all. But this should be my biggest set back, as for us - I just can't take the attacks. I'll love you forever, and I'll love you always, for we had a good run and now I have to say farewell. My best friend, my buddy, my ride & I won't die. I'll get through this without you, against my bodily instincts. Theres no way around it, this fucking stinks.
Part 3/3: Lost my virginity at 6 years old & Danny DeVito is a douche.
Rape seemed like an insane concept. I was intrigued with the power dynamic she spoke of when describing it all to me. It had never occurred to me that a man was more powerful than a woman, or could be. If you were to ask me, the fact that the power dynamic was my first thought about it all meant that Mama was doing something very right. I'm proud to look back and remember thinking more about the fact that men felt they could do this, then about the fact that men do, do this. She told me to warn me. So that when I was approached by odd men or creepy pedophiles, I'd know the risk and stay far away. Do not take candy from strangers. She didn't just want to save my teeth from sugar; she wanted to make sure I didn't have my “candy” stolen either.
Part 2/3: Lost my virginity at 6 years old & Danny DeVito is a douche.
Since my main goal in my short 6 years of life was to laugh and make others laugh as well, I was simply fascinated with sex. It was everywhere and it was hilarious. Everyone on TV was making sexual innuendoes and listening to adults (when they don't think your listening) gave me the giggles. I needed to know more about sex, why it was so funny, and how to get in on the jokes and understand why I was laughing instead of just seeing others start to laugh and join in along with them. I decided then, it was time for me to lose my virginity. Who needs it, right?
Part 1/3: Lost my virginity at 6 years old & Danny DeVito is a douche.
Growing up, the VCR (the ancient edition of what you now known as the DVR) was a holy and sacred black box in an otherwise unreligious household. My parents are both Jews, but we were far from religious. Other than the actual family gatherings that took place a county over at my aunt and uncles’ home on Long Island, which was about the extent of our religious background. Those stopped when I was 10 but we'll get into that later. The VCR was so vitally important for one reason, and one reason only - General Hospital.