Dear Mary, I love you Jane.

Dear Mary,

I miss you, my Jane. I was your Tarzan. Swinging from stem to stem. I can feel every fast beat in my heart. You were my best friend for 13 years. There in the morning, there in the evening - you were there when I was sad, mad, happy and it wasnt just a fade. Tummy pain, head aches and god damn I was so vein. I took you for granted. You took me for a ride. Yeah, I miss you, my Jane. You made me smile, you made me mellow, you made me cry and now I'm melted jello. Sticky and icky in all the wrong places, I can't believe you could do this right to my many faces. We were the realest. We were the champs. We went for a ride and I almost died. How could you? I've never been an adult without you by my side. Now I can't do anything but hide. My go to. My buddy. My a.m. p.m. all day, every day, crazy kinda love. It's gross how much I still love and want you when you've betraywd me. You healed me for so long only to destroy me. How could you? I asked already but I have to ask again & again. Why? I was good to you. Too good to you. Too in love. Too infatuated. How could you? I was faithful, you stayed through thick and thin - never did I think we'd end up feeling like an empty bin. My love, my joy, my partner - I miss you, my Jane. 13 years you were my all, my everything, my way too much. Why did I have to abuse you and use you as such a crutch? Two in one thousand daily smokers and here we are. Staring at a half a pound of you, as I wither to barely anything at all. I can't even touch you. You're killing me. I quit you 10 days ago and all I can think is, how!? Why?! How could I have not known you could do this to me? How could I be this engulfed yet so far off course? I miss you, but I cant have you and it feels like I've been kicked by a horse. You're no good for me anymore and it hurts me to my core. Vomitting and hot flashes, why couldn't I just be apart of the masses. Night sweats and the scale is going down. There's nothing left to me, no not much at all. Panic attacks and breathing techniques - I know I've reached my peak. But, I'll remember you fondly. You were there when I was fondled. Every friend's dad, every teacher, every, "friend", every wink, every "you wanted it" and every slipped hand. Every. Time. Every asshole. Every bitch. Every time I had a twitch. How can we be here? How can this be my reality? They say there are five stages of grief and I cant even handle getting you out of me. I can't even get to accept that I have to grieve at all. It feels silly and stupid. I didnt do anything else, just you, my all. Never a line, bump, pill or whatever else is in their pockets - I stayed with you and now we can never be and my heart feels like a rocket. You've destroyed my body, and I can't understand it. Hospital visits and groggy phone calls - we did ourselves in and there's no hope to us so here I bawl. Seems so small when you look at it all. But this should be my biggest set back, as for us - I just can't take the attacks. I'll love you forever, and I'll love you always, for we had a good run and now I have to say farewell. My best friend, my buddy, my ride & I won't die. I'll get through this without you, against my bodily instincts. Theres no way around it, this fucking stinks.

Me love Jane. RIP