To be completely honest, I was giving up on writing. I didn’t feel like I wasn’t good enough. I was losing motivation. I have a notebook and inside of it are so many little writings I could not finish. My garbage was getting full with ideas I felt like was stupid. So I took a break.
“I’m okay.” I told my brother with a smile after he asked if I was feeling well. In all honestly, I’m not. I feel like I’m digging a hole and burying myself alive. Depression is getting me every time. It’s pulling me into an ocean of sadness. I just wanted to feel happiness again like I did a few days ago. Depression came knocking on my door saying it was time—time to knock me down again. Time to isolate myself from everyone that cares. Time to stay in my bed until a family member pulls me out. Time to sob at 3 AM to make sure no one hears you. It’s time. There was a knock on the door and I opened it to see depression.
For some sad reason, I will always feel alone. No matter how hard I’ll try to hang out with friends or trying to communicate with them. I will always feel alone. Sometimes I don’t, but those are rare days. I always stay up until the early morning which usually is 5 AM. To make sure if a friend needed me, I was here. To talk, to make sure they have someone that’s listening or to just cry while everything is crumbling. I know the feeling, but nobody is there for me. In my dark room with nothing shining but the cars passing by. So quiet but the sirens from the fire station behind the house. It was just me and my thoughts. My thoughts are just roaming around. I think of fantasy when my dark thoughts come in, but it just keeps shoving and shoving all the goodness out of it. Your friends don’t care for you. No matter how hard you tried to be there for them. They’re never going be there for you. Cause they’ll don’t understand how you feel. I’lltry to shake it off. It’s late at night I should sleep. I need to catch sleep in a race. I’m almost running out of breath and it’s still ahead of me. I lost. My father alarm will go off always at 3:30 AM for he could get ready to leave to his work. I could hear him walking up and down the stairs to make sure he got everything. So badly, I want to go out and tell him. I can’t sleep because...because I feel lonely. I feel like nobody will care if I don’t wake up. Nobody will care if I stay in my room all day and only come out just to use the bathroom. I hear him starting his coffee machine. Him stirring his milk and sugar in his cup. I could hear him sighing when his second alarm went off to tell him it’s time to leave. I could hear the dishes falling into the sink. His loud footsteps making it to the door and the creaks of the porch as he’s walking off. The starting of the engine and his car passes by. Once again, I am alone with my dark friends.
I guess you can call this an update. Many have asked so many questions about my winter love. If we still talk? No. Sadly, we do not. We still have each other on social media, but we aren’t on speaking terms. Have I tried to talk to her again? Multiple times, but I gave up. Why did I gave up? I will not chase someone who doesn’t want me. That’s a waste of time and effort. Does anyone else beside my one friend know about my winter love? Many know her description, but not her. That’s a yes and no answer. Am I over her? I know I’m not the only one, but if she ever comes back to me, I will take her in with open arms. I will embrace her so that the glue she used to fix herself together will melt her all back to a solid piece. Does she know she’s my winter love? No. Many have tried to encourage me, but I feel like she wouldn’t care. I believe she have read this since she’s been seeing my posts about this. I haven’t said anything to her nor has my friend. If she think this is her, she would message me. What would happen if she messaged me? I would tell her everything if she asks, but she hasn’t so I would rather be quiet.
If we were together, you would’ve hold me though my nightmare I had.