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Everyday Junglist
Bio
Practicing mage of the natural sciences (Ph.D. micro/mol bio), Thought middle manager, Everyday Junglist, Boulderer, Cat lover, No tie shoelace user, Humorist, Argan oil aficionado. Occasional LinkedIn & Facebook user
Stories (582/0)
Suffering Is Not a Requirement of Morality (The Religious Content Free Edition!)
Note: Hello Vocal. Another reminder to my moderator friends that I goofed the first time I submitted this and included religious content. What a doofus right? Definitely should have read the rules before pulling out the old wallet and shelling out 99 smackaroons for a membership. Oh well, lesson learned. No worries though as I have removed any and all reference to any of that silly religion stuff and present to you now a fully religious content version free edition! Enjoy!
By Everyday Junglist3 years ago in Humans
SARS-CoV-2 Vaccine Researcher Beginning to Get Kind of Tired of Constantly Having to Save the World
Author's note: Dearest Moderators, I am writing this author's not to apologize for my previous submission of this story which came in at <600 words thus not meeting the requirements of at least 600 words for any story to be published in the pages of this long admired and well established icon of the new media business, Vocal.media. I should have read the rules of this legendary enterprise before shelling out the $99 required for a one year membership. Had I done so I would not have made the grave error of submitting a story that did not meet the word count minimum. In retrospect it was ridiculously stupid and short sighted of me to think that anything meaningful or interesting or humorous could be said in <600 words. I mean, what was I thinking? Particularly in this day and age people are known to have very long attention spans and they hate reading things which are short and to the point. They much prefer to slog through dense, long form, serious content that they can spend hours of their plentiful free time perusing at their leisure and reading over and over again. I am just about the dumbest person alive now aren't I? Duh? Oh well, I won't make that mistake again and am proud to present to you the new and improved 600 word + edition of my original humorous satirical article written in the classical fake news format pioneered by the truly legendary humor magazine, The Onion. Of course The Onion has nothing on Vocal.media when it comes to gravitas or reputation but they are still pretty OK, for a bunch of hacks. I am pretty sure the word count of this now exceeds 600 but I am too lazy to plop it into Microsoft Word to check so I will rely on you, the fine moderators at Vocal.media to do that tedious task for me. If only the website itself included a word count function or feature of some sort. I guess that is probably asking for too much for a $99/year subscription to this religious and graphic content free new media publication with stories all of at least 600 words. How's that for expanding upon my ideas and resubmitting? Pretty darn good I'd say.
By Everyday Junglist3 years ago in Fiction
Reflecting On My Failure
Author's note: This article was rejected in its first submission for "graphic content" This new and improved version is certified graphic content free and fully suitable for Vocal's audience of impressionable youths who would certainly have been horrified and offended at the original version. I have also cleaned up the language. Who needs all those nasty swear words anyway? Not me. No sir. Not me.
By Everyday Junglist3 years ago in Confessions
Religion Renounces Its Faith
Author's note: OK. One funny one now, but fits in nicely with the first couple of serious posts I published here on my new platform. (They were all rejected btw, for religious content. Can you believe that? Me? Of all people, rejected for religious content. The irony is delicious. lol!) Moderators/reviewers and children of all ages prepare to laugh and cry, and be amazed by my humorous skill. In the classical The Onion style format. Seriously, not one of my best efforts but still pretty damn funny I think. But, then again, I would think that, wouldn't I? I sure hope so or why would I select the dropdown "humor" when asked what community to submit this work to. I might just select it to try and throw the moderators and reviewers for a loop. To mess with their heads if you will. I would never do that though, never...lol! BTW note to moderators/reviewers. If you are friends/enemies with anyone at the Medium corporation do not believe any of the lies they say about me. They are almost 100% not true. Almost. And now, finally, on to the story. Did I already say prepare to laugh? Also, I believe it now meets the required 600 word count minimum. Check out my author's postscript at the end for more on the fate of this little humorous tidbit.
By Everyday Junglist3 years ago in Fiction
The Evil Villain DNA
I heard a strange story the other day about DNA. It struck me as plausible on account of the fact that I have quite a vivid imagination, or so people say. Also, I have some training in the biological sciences which helped a lot in this particular case. The story went something like this. What we now know as DNA was actually once a terrible criminal from another galaxy far from our own. All galaxies are actually really very, very far from our own, but don’t let that one small example of imprecise language use cause too much doubt in the veracity of the tale overall. Rest assured, since I am the one doing the retelling, I’ll be sure to correct any further abuse of the language like the one just cited whenever it may occur. This particular criminal was of the extra evil variety, and extra clever too I was told, and he had been captured and escaped many times previously. His judges and jailers were an ancient alien race with almost God like powers. Needless to say they were more than a little annoyed at how poorly their previous punishments had fared. So, upon his most recent capture (~4.85 billion years ago according to what I heard) they desired to design a prison that could not be escaped and would last until time ran out at the end of the universe.
By Everyday Junglist3 years ago in Fiction
Love in The Time Of Post-Apocalyptic Moulds
“Post Apocalyptic Moulds?, What the fuck is a post apocalyptic mold?” Aaron had to nearly scream to ensure his scavenging partner Dave, who was mostly obscured by the blowing black dust, would be able to hear him “I don’t know man, you tell me. What do I look like a fucking microbiologist?” Dave yelled back then doubled over, racked by a massive coughing fit, mostly the result of inhalation of the poisonous atmosphere, an unfortunate and unavoidable hazard of his chosen profession. Aaron rushed to his friends side, put his arm around him and helped him scoot around a corner to a quieter spot where they could sit, partially shielded from the hounding winds and ever present, deadly particulate filled air. “I have no idea either bro but I found this heart shaped locket partially buried in the muck about 20 clicks east of here. Etched on the surface, it says `From EJ to DJ: Post-Apocalypytic Moulds. All my love. December 2019’” Dave had mostly recovered from his coughing spasm and turned the locket over in his hands inspecting it closely as Aaron continued to describe what he had found. “When I opened it a small piece of neatly folded paper fell out.” He took back the locket than handed the now unfolded paper to Dave. “It’s the damndest thing, the print is so fucking tiny, but clearly hand written, I don’t know how the fuck the dude could write that small, and there are images, digitally rendered, of what the author describes as various incarnations of the post apocalyptic moulds.” Dave quickly scanned the scrap of paper, essentially confirming what Aaron had conveyed, then whistled softly to himself as the age of the object, and the potential implications slowly dawned on him. “2019, damn, that’s almost 50 years ago, and more than 10 years PC (pre-cataclysm).” “Yep. Crazy right? I’ve been slowly deciphering the text and think I mostly have it figured. Thank God we didn’t lose magnifying glass technology in the cataclysm” Aaron said half jokingly. He had more of a sense of humor than his best friend, but that was not saying much, and post cataclysm, humor was a thing in desperately short supply, much like water, food, and just about everything else. Dave glared at Aaron “Not funny bro. If you’re done playing stand up what does it say?”
By Everyday Junglist3 years ago in Fiction
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