Religion Renounces Its Faith

Author's note: OK. One funny one now, but fits in nicely with the first couple of serious posts I published here on my new platform. (They were all rejected btw, for religious content. Can you believe that? Me? Of all people, rejected for religious content. The irony is delicious. lol!) Moderators/reviewers and children of all ages prepare to laugh and cry, and be amazed by my humorous skill. In the classical The Onion style format. Seriously, not one of my best efforts but still pretty damn funny I think. But, then again, I would think that, wouldn't I? I sure hope so or why would I select the dropdown "humor" when asked what community to submit this work to. I might just select it to try and throw the moderators and reviewers for a loop. To mess with their heads if you will. I would never do that though, never...lol! BTW note to moderators/reviewers. If you are friends/enemies with anyone at the Medium corporation do not believe any of the lies they say about me. They are almost 100% not true. Almost. And now, finally, on to the story. Did I already say prepare to laugh? Also, I believe it now meets the required 600 word count minimum. Check out my author's postscript at the end for more on the fate of this little humorous tidbit.

In a surprising move that shocked the world today, religion, the social-cultural system of designated behaviors and practices, morals, beliefs, worldviews, texts, sanctified places, prophecies, ethics, and/or organizations, that relates humanity to supernatural, transcendental, and spiritual elements, renounced its faith today, saying it was no longer a believer. In a prepared statement religion said the following “Since nearly the dawn of consciousness in man I have been one of humanities most important sources of meaning and purpose. And, sure, I have done some really great things including giving man a lens through which to view their place in the universe, connecting them to their deeper spiritual selves, and acting as a source of moral values which they can use to guide their behavior. But of course I have also brought terrible suffering to the world with many, many wars fought, and terrible deeds committed in my name. Ultimately however none of those things were factors in my decision which was based solely on my own loss of faith in myself. Without faith in oneself, one cannot possibly be a religious person, let alone be religion itself. Therefore it is with much sadness, but also with great hopes for the future that today, I, religion, officially renounce my faith. Good luck to you all and may God bless and keep you safe, I guess.” With that religion bowed its head turned and walked slowly away. Coming on the heels of the retirement of science (this is where I would link to my classic humor post “Science Retires” published in Medium, but for unfortunate reasons, cannot. Don't worry if I like it here I will get around to republishing on Vocal at some point), the announcement by Religion today sets up Technology as the only remaining philosophical worldview available to the modern human. Speaking on behalf of all humanity, local man Ted Stephens said “Oh well. What ya gonna do? Guess it makes sense.”

Author's postscript: Well. Guess someone (i.e. me) should have read the rules prior to submitting six stories and having five of them rejected for various abrogations of them. This one in particular was rejected for word length (<600 words) but will likely be rejected again after I meet the word count limit for "religious content". In fact there could not possibly be a story with more religious content than this very one since it is totally and absolutely about religion. Literally, it features religion as the main character, topic, plot, etc. It is all about religion in every possible way shape or form. It also happens to be hilarious and smart and very, very clever. At least I think so. Of course, I would think that since I wrote it. Have I made it to 600 words yet? Better plug this into the old microsoft word and check it. You would think if a site were going to have a word count minimum they would make it easy for you to check status of it. But sadly, much like many features, Vocal lacks this obvious and simple one. You know what I think I am just going to submit it and make them do the word counting for me. I am too lazy to do so for myself. It is also quite terrible in many other ways that I will be sure to describe in great detail over the next year that I will be stuck writing and publishing here thanks to thenm scamming me out of $99 so I could submit a story (a very good one btw) to some stupid contest. Yeah! You can bet I will be pushing the boundaries of every single rule they have in place at this crap fest. Nothing I hate more than arbitrary rules and arbitrary rules combined with censorship of ideas and content. Ouch. Not good for team Vocal. This shall be fun.