SARS-CoV-2 Vaccine Researcher Beginning to Get Kind of Tired of Constantly Having to Save the World

Author's note:

Dearest Moderators,

I am writing this author's not to apologize for my previous submission of this story which came in at <600 words thus not meeting the requirements of at least 600 words for any story to be published in the pages of this long admired and well established icon of the new media business, Vocal.media. I should have read the rules of this legendary enterprise before shelling out the $99 required for a one year membership. Had I done so I would not have made the grave error of submitting a story that did not meet the word count minimum. In retrospect it was ridiculously stupid and short sighted of me to think that anything meaningful or interesting or humorous could be said in <600 words. I mean, what was I thinking? Particularly in this day and age people are known to have very long attention spans and they hate reading things which are short and to the point. They much prefer to slog through dense, long form, serious content that they can spend hours of their plentiful free time perusing at their leisure and reading over and over again. I am just about the dumbest person alive now aren't I? Duh? Oh well, I won't make that mistake again and am proud to present to you the new and improved 600 word + edition of my original humorous satirical article written in the classical fake news format pioneered by the truly legendary humor magazine, The Onion. Of course The Onion has nothing on Vocal.media when it comes to gravitas or reputation but they are still pretty OK, for a bunch of hacks. I am pretty sure the word count of this now exceeds 600 but I am too lazy to plop it into Microsoft Word to check so I will rely on you, the fine moderators at Vocal.media to do that tedious task for me. If only the website itself included a word count function or feature of some sort. I guess that is probably asking for too much for a $99/year subscription to this religious and graphic content free new media publication with stories all of at least 600 words. How's that for expanding upon my ideas and resubmitting? Pretty darn good I'd say.

Thank You,

Everyday Junglist

Longtime deadly pathogens researcher and SARS-CoV-2 expert Dr. Jane Pitman remarked today that she was getting kind of tired of constantly having to save the world. In a statement Dr. Pitman explained by saying “At first it was kind of neat, knowing that millions of people’s lives were at stake based on the results of each experiment I was running. And I’ll admit it was hard to keep my ego in check when I heard some people saying that we (SARS-CoV-2 vaccine researchers) were heroes. But, in my head I always pictured heroes as signing autographs as they bathed in the adulation of their many admirers, or participating in ticker tape parades in their honor, or cashing million dollar checks, not working 7 days a week, 12-16 hours a day in BSL-3 (biosafety level three) containment in total isolation with no sound beyond the whirring of the fan from the PAPR (powered air purifying breathing apparatus) unit I have to wear as a precaution against accidental exposure to the deadly pathogens with which I must constantly work, while being paid less than a 1st year accountant.” She added quickly “Nothing against accounting of course.” After a brief pause, the former Yersinia pestis (black death) and Bacillus anthracis (Anthrax) vaccine researcher continued “And of course there were just as many people saying that we didn’t work hard enough or fast enough or that we (scientists) were somehow responsible for the pandemic. And now with the emergence of more easily transmissible and deadly variant strains which will require new and improved vaccines to protect against, our workload has increased even more, while at the same time the general public has basically moved on, thinking that the pandemic is over, or worse yet still blaming researchers for causing the pandemic. I am just so tired and really starting to get sick of constantly having to save the world at this point. Can somebody else be responsible for the fate of the planet for once?” With that she sighed heavily, bowed her head, turned and slowly walked away.