I’ve struggled with my body image for years. Even when I was tiny I thought I was fat, but this is not a story about body image in the usual sense. It took a lot of years of breaking emotionally and mentally for me to finally figure out that my self image isn’t mine. I was molested when I was 3 years old, and from that point on, I never felt comfortable with my body. I remember I would never undress in front of anyone, and when my mom had to bathe me I felt filthy, unpleasant and unusual. I was a child with body image issues. I grew up this way and no one understood; instead, family members made fun of me for it... I finally told my mom about what had happened and I think I was 5 years old by then. She tried to hide her pain but I could see it in her eyes as she told her sister. There was a family meeting and true to patriarchy and the burden of family, she was told not to lay charges against my cousin who had done this to me. I was taken to a doctor to get checked up and I suppose I was alright physically, but mentally and emotionally, I’ve carried the shame and disgust of my own self from the moment it happened...
I started modeling when I was 18, just a few months after I had given birth to my first child. I was married then, and my husband at the time was in the Army. I wanted to build a life more than just being a stay at home mom. That title didn't seem fulfilling enough for me.
It happened to me about 4 years ago. I just got out of my first relationship and I went back on a popular dating site (I won't name it because it may not want to be associated with this). About a week later I started to talk to a guy who lived about 30 or 45 minutes away. This new guy and I met a few days later. It went well but at the end of the night he touched me and I didn't stop him. I think that's where the ball started to roll in his head about what he would do next to me. So we saw each other the next day at a park near my house. At dark we sat in my car talking. One of the last things he did was touch me down there; I wanted it so that wasn't the assault. This is going to sound weird, but I think when I consented he thought my consent overrode the times I would say no. At this point it all seemed normal. I felt like I found a good guy.
So I'm writing this post for people who don't know what it's like being a survivor of sexual misconduct, but maybe knows someone who was a survivor. Sexual misconduct is an umbrella term for any act like rape and sexual assault. I will not pretend to know how everyone else handles sexual misconduct, I can only speak for myself and the stories I've heard.
We have all heard the saying 'prostitution is the oldest form of work', and whilst this statement is very true, society has always looked down on the men and women who engage in this particular line of work. And many still believe the misconception that the job is done out of desperation or because they were forced into it.
I was born in January 1989. At birth, I had two older sisters, and over the next seven years, I would gain a brother and two younger sisters. During my first five years, I lived in the suburbs of a large city. My mom homeschooled my siblings and me, and my family was very conservative and identified as fundamentalist Christians. At age 5, we moved to my paternal Grandparents' farm, where my cousins lived as well.
Today, I'm a woman who is embracing being a channel of Divine love and compassion. The power moving through me is born out of every moment I allow myself to love deeply and be loved. My life is unfolding into a romance beyond my wildest dreams. I'm celebrating a new chapter of creating impactful businesses with my dream partner. I'm honored to hold transformative containers for the women in my community. I'm connecting with the genius within me and attracting the collaborative genius of others. I'm passionately pursuing my purpose while being turned on by life's simple pleasures. Trust me, it wasn't always this way.