I was Sexually Assaulted.. Shouting My Story to the World

There is something important I need to address. Throughout the last couple of years I have noticed that people have been using their platforms to speak their truths on sexual assault in the industry (#METOO), work place, homes, etc. I’ve always considered myself a courageous, confident, outspoken women, except for when it’s come to this topic and my personal life.

Earlier this month I tuned into the HBO Documentary “Leaving Neverland”. I watched all four hours including the Oprah special “Forgetting Neverland” which I highly recommend you all watch to become a bit more aware of how sexual assault with underage children goes about. I wasn’t completely educated on the topic myself so tuning into the Oprah special affected me deeply. It was the very first time I knew that I wanted to come out and share my story with my family. Seeing all of the survivors in the audience helped me to have the courage.

About two weeks ago I opened up to my mother and my boyfriend about my sexual assault. It is by far the toughest truth I’ve ever had to deal with and speak on. I couldn’t verbally tell my own mother out of shame, fear of how she would react, having to finally face it myself, and so I decided to write her a letter.

Today, I gain the courage to speak my truth for all of you men and women who have gone through any type of sexual assault and have been on the fence about coming out. You can do it, and although it will be a tough journey, it is a part of your story that shouldn’t remain silent. You matter, your mental/emotional health matters, your healing matters, and the person whom did this to you should NOT remain protected. Most of all WE are NOT to blame.

Here goes, I was molested by my father roughly between the ages 7 to 10/11 years old. I remember writing him a letter at around 12-14 years old telling him that I remember what he did to me along with all the stuff he wasn’t doing as a parent, and he made me feel as though I was crazy and it had never happened. I’ve learned this month from his previous long term girlfriend, which at the time it would happen in her home, found the letter and it never crossed her mind to show my mother or deal with the situation. Possibly she didn’t out of fear, I’ll never know why. I buried what happened to me so deep that I almost felt normal and considered it a nightmare I had dreamt over and over. After a couple of years I reconnected with my father and it was as if he was an entirely different person. No more drugs (to my knowledge) and no more hurting me. He wanted me to believe that the reason I was treated the way I was as a child was because of the drugs he was on and the lifestyle he led. There is so much more to the story that I want to remain private.

Today the only people that believe me are my mother and boyfriend. The family and that girlfriend I have trusted to tell have completely turned their back on me with no response other than “what are you going to do with this information?” And “Not that I don’t believe you, but I didn’t witness this, or see any signs.” I’ve also been blocked from contacting my 13 year old sister. To make a very long story short; I kept this secret to protect my mother from the pain of knowing and wanting justice, from my family assuming I did this with motive, from myself having to come to terms with what’s happened to me, feeling I wouldn’t be believed, not wanting to ruin the life that man has built for himself (would you believe), and thinking if I bury it deep enough it will disappear. The thing is, I have four siblings and my oldest sister is 13, and I was so consumed by my issues that I never thought of how this could affect her or if it has already. I told myself that the man that hurt me and the man they have as a father are two different people, but what if that was only an excuse he’s fed to me all my life. I cannot allow this cycle to continue, and I had to speak my truth. I stand by you all who’ve been secretly roaming through life with this burden. May your mental and emotional health be healed over time, and we are not alone !

I hope to create a platform for young ladies to feel free to open up in a safe setting. I dream of having children so I knew this is something I had to come to terms with sooner than later. We must protect our children. Many children grow into adults and NEVER come forward on their assault and that must end. Anyone that has read this in its entirety I appreciate you learning my story. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulder the very moment I told my mother. Oprah said, “ a child that holds a secret of this nature changes their entire life, and they live off of protecting that lie”. My entire life I knew something was off with the men I chose, the mental and physical abuse I’ve accepted in past relationships, and the silent depression I constantly felt. I’m going to be getting therapy moving forward with my mother and alone. One step at a time...

Please keep in mind the statistics I’ve found that will be posted are based ONLY on a census done of only those that have had the courage to come forward, and only in America. These numbers are insane with solely that information so you can only imagine how much worst it is.

Lastly, to the family and people that instantly turned their backs on me, you know the man and you know this is all true. One day he will confirm it, until that day, shame on you all.