Bloody Hell

A quick note to men

You may be tempted to skip this, thinking it's not for you. Don't. Unless you live on an island populated entirely by males, there are insights here for you as well. And if you already know them, then you might have something to add. If you have a daughter, or niece, or female students, then this is absolutely for your consideration. It is likely that a girl would prefer to get a commemmorative gift from her mother, or another female relative. The other stuff? They need that from both parents.

Before her first period

Of course, we already had lots of pads under the sink in the bathroom. This was hardly unexpected. We had been waiting for it for a good while - all the signs were there. I had also bought her a small case that she could use to take a few pads to school, just in case it started there. I'd spoken to her teachers to make sure she would be allowed to leave class if she needed to.

But I wanted to do more. I wanted to mark the occasion as a rite of passage, offer her reassurance and comfort, and make sure she had everything she needed. I wanted to acknowledge, in some way, that she was growing up, that what she wants or needs might change - and let her know, quietly, I'm here to support that. But I also wanted to be very careful to make sure this wasn't embarrassing for her.

The Soothe Box

When she told me she had got her first period, I gave her a soothe box. Here is what I put in it:

More sanitary pads - I included a couple of different brands of sanitary pads, some night time ones and day time ones.

Period underwear - the ones I got were suitable for when the period is light, or which can used with another product to help guard against any leaking. But there is a fair bit of choice when it comes to period underwear now.

Chocolate - This isn't just a stereotype. Blood sugar does drop, and this does lead to sugar cravings and irritability. I included a huge bar.

Painkillers - Nothing fancy, just some paracetemol.

A heat pad - to help with any stomach cramps or back pain.

Books - I included a couple of books about periods and puberty.

Toiletries - Raging hormones bring plenty of challenges, some related to personal hygiene. They can make a body sweatier, smellier, greasier and pimplier. Good quality wash things that smell nice - not just the communal bottle of six-in-one family soap in the bathroom - can be a huge help. I got a few face masks for her to try as well. Slow down a little. Take care of yourself.

A gift - I bought her some jewelry (earrings).

Some new clothes, dark coloured - These didn't fit in the basket, but they were very useful. Jeans, pyjamas and most importantly - more undies. Trust me, she can't have too many. Not just clothes either - I got some new dark coloured towels and a cosy bathrobe.

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There are other gifts we give girls and young women at this time which are just as important, if not more so. They are small, and yet they don't fit in a basket.

Patience - when she's driving us up the bleeding wall. It's obvious, but it can't be overstated. She might never know the toothmarks in your tongue, but they are some of the most precious things you can give her.

Lie-ins - she might feel drained. This is a time of intense growth and change. If she wants to stay in bed 'til after lunchtime on a Saturday, that's OK. If you've got nowhere else to be, just let her rest.

Privacy and dignity - Other people don't need to know about something so personal to her, so watch what you say to who. It's easy to cause a lot of embarrassment with a slight slip of the tongue. Make sure there's a covered bin in the bathroom, and help her keep it empty. Make sure she feels confident about dealing with her periods when she goes to school. Which brings me to...

Preparedness - What stain removal products do you have on hand? Do you know how to get rid of blood? Make sure she has a discreet way to take her pads to school (we have something like this 👇) - there's not much worse than your classmates making a big deal out of it when some pads fall out of your bag. Make sure she knows who to speak to if she is caught short, but also, don't let her get caught short.

Respect - Don't be dismissive of her when she is angry or upset, saying, oh it's just her period. Even if true (and I argue it's most probably not) it's wildly unhelpful.

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Thank you for reading! Please comment to make it easy for me to reciprocate.

I was encouraged to write this by Mariann Carroll after a conversation we had recently.

Usual programming will resume tomorrow!