Health + Wellness

My photography trip

It's Not Easy

We all wonder about life and how fast it can change. One minute we are laughing and smiling, the next sad or crying. We even wonder about where all the time has gone and why there is not enough of it in a day to complete all the things we hope to accomplish which leads to more stress and anxiety. Another one to add to the list is the loss of a loved one, friends, or just someone we know. For someone suffering from depression, bi-polar, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety and or any of the other mental health issues, this can intensify normal life situations or experiences to an almost unbearable level.

I have this on and off relationship with the sun that’s been going on for quite some time now, and I can’t seem to understand why. Every day we meet at the same spot, the rooftop of an 18-floor apartment building, and we talk about many things ranging from daily quandaries of life to bigger dilemmas beyond my control. Sometimes we don’t even talk at all and just enjoy the moment in silence. This relationship could go on for a couple of days, but then one day I come to the same spot, at the same time, waiting, and she doesn’t show. Needless to say, I tend to get upset when she does this, even more upset because this could continue for days and I don’t know when she might come back. She leaves without a warning; no letter, nothing. I am at my worst these days.

When I was 14, I cut myself for the first time. I felt the hurt of childhood trauma. I wanted control over my own pain and the feeling of the blade gave that to me.

This is the face of addiction. I know I look fine and you can't really tell in this picture. At this moment I was homeless staying from one place to another anywhere someone would let me sleep on the floor or on their porch. It is crazy now that I think back on it. I can not even believe the dangerous places I went to just to have a place to shower and sleep. I am clean and sober now and have been for almost a year and a half. I was an addict for four years. The hardest part of my life so far and now I hate myself for even starting. Nobody wakes up one morning and says "hay I wanna become a drug addict." Things happen in our lives that make some people turn to drugs like the loss of a child cause that is what happened to me. My 8-month-old daughter died from SIDS while staying at her father's over the weekend. I lost my whole world that day. I couldn't go to work because my mind wouldn't function. How I was introduced to drugs was my best friend was doing them and told me it would help take my mind off the pain. Next thing I know I am broke and homeless and putting a needle in my arm to get through the next few hours. Two years go by and I am still homeless and have no real friends because nobody wants drugs around them or in their house. I find myself using old needles increasing my chances of giving myself Hep C. By the way for your education you can get Hep C from a bacteria in dry blood, so you can give it to yourself using a needle more than once. By year four I had overdosed three times. At this time I just wanted to die it wasn't like anyone would miss me right? Wrong I was hurting my family and what friends I did have because they just wanted me safe and to get sober. So my cousin introduced me to a group called celebrate recovery. This group was a support system for people who are clean and sober and trying to stay that way. I was in and out of the group for six months until my best friend almost died and had to have open-heart surgery. That changed my life. At that moment I had something to live for my best friend I had to get clean so I can help her stay clean because if not she would die. Once she came home from the hospital I started taking her to celebrate recovery every week. I still go once a week because you will always fight that urge to want to do it just one more time. It is hard but anyone can do with the right help and a good support system. I have been clean and sober a year and a half. I now help others who come into the group I am someone they can call any time of the day when they feel like they wanna relapse.