Writing for Me

I have always been a writer.

Whether keeping a journal or sharing my life story with strangers, I find catharsis in putting words to paper. The release that comes when verbs and adjectives come together to give my feelings a voice...is unmatched.

I used to write privately in journals. Then social media and blogging became a part of my everyday routine. For a good while, I found joy in it. I enjoyed connecting with strangers over a shared experience or likemindedness...until one day, I didn't. Until it suddenly just felt like a chore. Like I was participating in a race, but my legs were heavy and moving in slow motion (like you often feel when you try to run in your dreams...or is that just me?)

And the judgment. Knowing that every little opinion I voiced would be picked apart and scrutinized by strangers online. People who had no idea where I was coming from, yet had the audacity to tear me apart. Every experience I shared would be scrutinized and deemed "worthy" or "unworthy." My self-worth being directly connected to how others perceived my experience, knowledge, opinions, and words.

I realized that I was trying to write for everyone else. Trying to please the masses. Forcing myself into a box, trying to fit into this niche or that niche. Trying to overcome a social media algorithm that had defined my words as "less than" because I didn't pump out content multiple times a day. I was writing for relevancy instead of joy. None of it seemed worth it.

But here is the thing: my words are for me. If they help someone else along the way, great! But I can't live my life trying to please/sustain/help/change the world. That's just too much pressure on one anxiety-ridden person's shoulders. I do hope that my words cause people to think, to make progress, to consider, to change for the better - but that can't be my end goal. It has taken a great deal of self-realization and growth to fully understand this concept.

When given a platform to share your story, it comes with a huge responsibility: your words can and will have an impact on others. While that cannot be taken lightly, it also can't be given too much importance, either. Deciding to share my thoughts and ideas does not mean that I am responsible for how people receive my words - that is their own responsibility. I am not an influencer, I am a sharer. A creator. A writer.

No, for me, writing is selfish. Call this my Villain Era, if you will. Writing is often a compulsion, coming on quickly and intensely. I just have to. I've learned that now. I need to get these thoughts and feelings out of my mind, through my fingers, and onto the page. It's a form of self care. It's the physical manifestation of my growth as a person. The lessons I've learned along the way and how they are shaping the person I am becoming.

This is my public declaration, that I won't write to stay relevant. I won't aim for popularity and praise. I am not writing to influence others, but rather to appease my own compulsion to get the words out. No longer will I fight an algorithm, hoping that my words reach the masses and start a revolution in their hearts.

No, I'll write, but I'm doing it for myself. I will write because this is my version of self care. I will write because this is my creative outlet. I will do it because its in my bones. I will write because "writer," is who I am and how I best express myself.

If you're here for this journey, Welcome.