Wondering

I am just wonderiung where my life will go. I am just wondering when my life will stop being a bad show. I sit and wonder why did life think I was stong enough to go what Job went through.

I am wondering how, wondering why, I will say this is a sign. My mental illness is tough, but this is nothing new. Sometimes I want to scream. Somebody please wake me up from this bad dream. Like every bad dream we have to wake up and face the night. Waking up as bold as we can be and that is how I face the fright.

I am wondering why the flood is deep. The water is rising and this is no place to be. This nightmare that I cannot get up. I want to scream, I can barely breathe. I must be tough. This one is a big one. It might be a little more rough. I have to swim and hold on to the top. I wish I had a stick to hold on to or some kind of mop. Anything, someone please help me and get me out. The water in my mind stops me from asking for help. It gives me a lighter shout.

Wondering why this all happened to me. Why are my problems as big as the bright blue sea. Wondering Why I have to go through this hard knocks life. So much pain, trauma, suffering, and strife. I try to ignore everything so my life can be calm and serene. No matter what, here comes the monster in my mind that talks to me. It talks to me so mean. I have to ignore it and have to be strong. I am reaching not to drown. With every situation that comes, I always hold on.

I keep wondering why Life put me here. It feels like a car when it hits like a deer. I walk through the valley and the shadow of death. I stagger and hold on to every breath. I could complain and wonder why? I could be zombie who is dead with cries. Instead I choose to fight and be strong. The trauma stays in my mind. I'll keep going to string it along.

It hurts and it does not feel good. Things are not as beautiful as it should. The voices in my head tell me I am nothing and my life will never win. I was chosen somehow to overcome all this. I was chosen to finish the race. I have to be strong and never give in.

Wondering why I am still in the dark. It feel like I have been eaten by a shark. I am just laying down, tired and in pain. My mind is all messed up from the strain. I am wondering when will it all end. I will never know. This monster in my mind called trauma stays with me everyday. I cry as I sit and meditate. I cannot talk to anyone about it. To speak on my past or my current problems is too much to say.

I wonder when this will stop. I wonder when life will give me a good shot. Wondering when this storm will pass, because it really does suck and is a pain in my rear. Until the water stops coming, I will keep trying to pass these heavy rains. I keep going even when it feels I cannot take anymore. I will drown the trauma past the ocean shore.

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Hi, Thank you for reading my stories. I am a mother with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue. I am disabled and writing these stories from my bed, working towards making things better for my family. My son is in a wheelchair, but my own bad health prevents me to help him in this journey of life. Please send me a donation if you enjoy reading any of my stories. Your donation gives me hope. Thank you.